Through the Stillness

Those who know me know that I have patience, lots of patience. I am far from easily frazzled. Yesterday though, I cried. My husband pulled me on his lap and I cried like a baby. Why?

We had to wake up early and be out of the house at 7:30 to make it to Luke’s eye appointment. For some reason I thought his appointment was in the afternoon so when I realized I was wrong, I was not too happy. Now I know that isn’t a big deal, but anxiety levels rise a little when we go see Dr. Roarty…like I said in my post yesterday, it isn’t a fun day. Matt had to get ready for work and…well I am the mom so I had to get myself and the boys ready. Oliver was extra needy and would not stop climbing on me. I did not even have five minutes to get ready. I looked and felt like a mess. We made it out of the house on time and the drive was ok until we were pulling into the parking lot and I hear the noise of Oliver puking. Sweet. I cleaned him up enough to make it into the building and then did a better job in the bathroom. Luckily he did not throw up during Luke’s appointment and we made it home. You can read my post from yesterday for details about the actual appointment.

We get back home and Oliver was grumpy because he was sick. Luke was grumpy, I was grumpy––Matt was grumpy and had to go to work. There was too much grumpiness in the air. Oliver just kept making messes. I don’t know how he just kept getting stinkier and dirtier as the day went on. I was getting ready to put him in the bathtub as Luke handed me his glasses, his broken glasses. Sweet. The eyeglass place is by our old house, which is not close––but they have all our info and if I had to order him a new frames and blah blah––I got the boys ready and drove down (hoping and praying the entire time that Oliver would not get sick again). He did not. They had frames at the store and popped in his lenses (free of charge). We made it back home around 6pm and both boys were starving, whiny…Oliver was crying and wanting me to hold him but I had to make them dinner. I was beyond frazzled at that point. I fed them and they were happier. But then, I got a phone call from Matt saying he was running late. Any other day it would have been fine, but I was planning on starting a new tap class. I didn’t get to go. Matt felt terrible, I felt more terrible.

The day ended in tears. It was the first time I have been that frazzled as a parent. At least I can laugh about it today.

I realize I have blogged about these feelings before––but––it doesn’t seem to get any easier going to the eye doctor. I see his face and I am taken back to the moment, to the day that I first heard the words Ocular Albinism. The wise old saying that actions speak louder than words did not apply. It didn’t matter if he was nice (and he was). It didn’t matter how sincere he was when he said he was sorry (which he really was). He could have smacked me across the face and it wouldn’t have mattered. It was only the words.

Dr. Roarty doesn’t bring up the driving issue at every visit but today he did. I think he mentions it to prepare the parents. As of right now, he could not drive with the visual acuity he has. Dr. Roarty’s hope is that his eyes could improve enough to be able to drive…even if it is a restricted license…there is hope. The chance of him not being able to drive is a hard one. I try not to think about it because Luke is only four but I’ll just say that when it is discussed during the appointment, my day is shot. There is no cheering me up.

A few months ago, Luke started scrunching up his left eye…an every once in a while occurrence became more frequent. I asked him why and he said it was so he could see better. Dr. Roarty explained that around this age you can notice more things, more things they find to compensate…to help with the nystagmus (movement of the eyes). An eye patch was prescribed to wear once a day for thirty minutes. The patch is placed over his good eye in hopes it will strengthen his bad eye. If the patch doesn’t work there is the possibility of needing eye surgery to fix the muscles.

Luke’s visual acuity is 20/150 in one eye and 20/125 in the other. With his glasses on his vision is improved but not corrected. That seems to be the thing that confuses people. Yes, even with his glasses he has bad vision…low vision is what it is called. With as bad as Luke’s vision is he does an amazing job. I hear all the time that people do not see how he has trouble seeing. All I can say is that he is a strong little person to compensate the way he does and I am so proud of him because of it.

I was knee deep in boxes…my energy gone and my patience dangling by a thread. I could not wrap my head around the fact that we accumulated so much crap in the short time (three years) that we lived in this house. I was physically and mentally incapable of packing anything else, so I sat on the cold floor and just existed for a few moments. You know the feeling where your brain hurts? I was beyond that. It was as if I could feel my brain pulsating, trying to tell me it needed rest…it needed a long overdue nap. Now I know it seems like I am being overly dramatic, maybe I am, but at that moment I was done. Over it completely. I probably brought all of it on myself. I start something and feel panicked when I don’t finish. In the back of my mind I knew I had time. I should have stopped packing hours ago. I was past my limit.

I went to bed early, actually I crashed. I woke up the next morning around six am, brewed my coffee, and sat on the couch. Warm coffee in hand and deep in thought, I realized I was going about our move all wrong, obviously. Far from an epiphany but the light bulb definitely clicked on, I need to relax and enjoy this process. Since we found our new house––I can not stress enough––everything has fallen into place…way too easily. It is absurd how easy it has been. We put in an offer and they accepted it without a counter offer. We, at the last minute decided to try to sell the house we were living in. It went up and the next day there was an offer, above asking price. We accepted the offer, the inspection and appraisal came back good. Then the closing date was scheduled for the day after we would be in our new home. Really? Why was I being such a brat? I truly should have embraced my inner creep and whistled while I packed.

When my husband woke up, I attacked him. “Matt, we have been going about this all wrong. Look how easy this has been for us. We are way too blessed. Why are we so stressed out? Lets enjoy this time.” He pulled me in for a hug and agreed. The remainder of the move went well. There were a few times after that one of us got stressed, but we simply reminded each other to relax. We are now mostly settled in and I love our new house.

I unzipped the case to my great grandma’s bible––something I don’t do often enough. Out fell old programs from her church, printouts of bible verses, a booklet, and even an unused tissue. I cannot help but wonder if the tissue was from the last church service she attended. I can see it in her old but strong hand, listening to the church sermon. I imagine she always had a tissue when she sat in the wooden pew of her church––for those moments that she was moved to tears. My great grandma was undoubtably a godly women.

Today, the reason I pulled out the bible was for guidance. I felt a nagging in me and so I prayed. Praying wasn’t enough, I needed more. I walked upstairs hoping that the bible was not packed away just yet. There it sat on my shelf. I grabbed the bible, hugged it as close to my heart as I could, and walked down the stairs and sat on my couch. Like I mentioned, out fell her spiritual belongings and I put them aside. I opened to the pages she had bookmarked and searched. I found nothing and the nagging only got stronger. I sat deep in thought. You see, I am always wanting to be a better mom and our house is chaotic with this move…and I am tired, mentally tired. When I get like this, I get down on myself. I never want to stop trying to be a better parent. I never want to feel complacent. I never want to give up on my kids. I without thinking––picked up my great grandma’s things and starting looking through them. There was a booklet named Queen of Hearts: The role of Today’s Mom…copyright 1993. Not exactly current, eh? I decided to read it anyway. It was based on Proverbs 31. If you don’t know Proverbs 31––it is about being a virtuous women. The booklet describes how to realistically apply it into your life. The author explained that there is no perfect mom. She gave great examples to follow, even when you get discouraged. Needless to say, the nagging left as I read the words. I found what I needed.

Now, I know that I have had a sort of tunnel vision lately…this focus on religion may be more than slightly irritating to some reading my blog. I may seem naive and just plain dumb to those who oppose my beliefs. Here are my thoughts on all of this…

What if I am wrong?
What if there is no God?
No heaven?
No hell?
All this time I have “wasted” on believing something that doesn’t have the science to back it up…
What if the day I die, I am just gone?

But then––what if I am right?
What if God is real?
My faith, my belief beyond all the doubt thrown at me was not in vain.
The day I die…I go to heaven.
On jugement day, I know my sins have been forgiven.

You see, if I am wrong––I’ll just die and I’ll never know that I was wrong.
I will take my chances and continue to believe in God.
I will continue to gather strength in praying and going to church.
I will continue to have faith and let go of control, knowing that God will handle things.

Believing in God, makes me happier.
It makes me want to be a better person.
It gives me the strength to get through the hard times.
It gives me more to be thankful for.

Simply put, the benefits of believing––outweigh the risk of not.

Today is the day. We finally get the keys to our new house. We closed in December but the previous owners needed extra time to close and get into their new place. It has been pure torture to know that the place is ours––but not really––because someone else still lives there. Every day we remain in our old house, the walls close in a little more. I guess the crazy snow does not help with this madness building up in all of us. I swear to gosh my kids have never been so stir crazy.

Tomorrow our painter starts his work. I pretty much have the colors picked out. I am a bit anxious of this part because you never truly know what the colors will look like until the paint on the walls. We are having the ducts cleaned and a radar mitigation system put in. After that we can move in. I love the house and cannot wait to make it our own. I will have to post some before and after pictures.

Luke starts his new school tomorrow and I pray all goes well with that. He has been sad all week over the snow days, he cannot wait to start his new school. He did do a trial run there and it went great. The teacher said it was as if he had been part of the classroom all along. So I think it was a wise choice to go with another montessori. The classroom and curriculum is is almost identical to his old school. The actual school day is a couple hours longer than what he is used to, that will be his biggest adjustment.

It really is an exciting time in our lives. There will be a lot of changes but I have no problem with change. I am actually excited for all the new things to come. Luke is a creature of habit, as most four year olds are––but I have been slowly introducing and getting him ready. I try not to talk (about all the change) too much so he doesn’t get overwhelmed. We shall see how it all plays out. Oliver is like me and I believe (hope) he adapts well. He is not in school yet though, he has less to adapt to––plus he’s younger.

Well that about sums up what is going on in our lives. I know this is a boring post to read but you’ll get over it, maybe.

I strive to keep light not darkness in my blog. In my life (as well) choosing to see positive keeps me going. That is the only part of my last blog post that I wish to share and so I erased the rest. I am not perfect––nor do I want to portray that I am. When I look back through my blog which portrays my life to an extent, I want to remember what really mattered. I do not want to recall a moment or moments of negative, although that is a part of me, I choose to move on from my rants. I choose to vent and then see the good. It is not that my last post was not how I feel. The thoughts released still ring true. The problem is that there are things about others that are and will always be on them…not me. If something irks me, all I can do is choose not to do it myself. I can complain all I want about how unfair or wrong it is but it isn’t my issue. So why dwell? I see no point.

This year has strengthened me more than any other year. I am content. Truly content. I am confident with just being me. There will always be people who misunderstand me and I am finally ok with that. I am sarcastic, goofy, sometimes too kind, sometimes not kind enough, calm but energetic, introverted but not shy (meaning not insecure), stubborn, creative, and so much more. I love every part of me. I pray that I continue to nurture all parts of me and continue to grow into a better me.

My spiritual and my religious side has overtaken my life and I could not be happier. It is something that was always in my heart but was, I don’t want to say dead because it never really was gone, dormant maybe. Better yet, it was weakened by my hard headedness. Yes, that is it. I know many are touchy and I try not to push my views on people, but anymore, this is who I am and I will no longer hide it or be ashamed.

My kids will not stop growing. The days go entirely way too fast. Everyday they learn new things. They are in many ways polar opposites, which goes to show how everyone is made to be different. I want to continue to not conform into some cookie cutting parenting style. We, as a family, will make our own way––hopefully skipping, not trudging, through most of it. We will have our own traditions and try to have fun along the way. I want to cherish, nurture, and guide Luke and Oliver to think for themselves and love who they are as unique individuals.

I wish you a Happy New Year and pray for peace and fulfillment in 2014.

The other day, Luke looked out the window and said, “Mommy, it’s my favorite kind of day. The clouds are covering the sun so my eyes won’t hurt.” I smiled and told him that I too loved the clouds covering the sun. I love sunshine, the brighter the better for me, but I also love whatever makes him more comfortable. His comment, so simple, got me thinking about heaven. Think about this for a minute. Heaven will be and feel like everything that brings comfort, happiness, and all else good. For Luke it will be like light that doesn’t hurt his eyes. For me it will be like warmth, to never feel cold again. It will feel like the peace of holding one of my boys, the joy of hearing my boys giggle, the feeling I get when my eyes meet my husband’s during an inside joke, the magic of getting lost in a good book, and the relief of a lazy Sunday. All of these (plus so much more) all at once, all the time––for all of eternity. All I can say is wow, I truly can not fathom.

To feel my child’s pain, to experience his affliction as my own, brings my heart to ache. It is an agonizing predicament that I can not take away…what I can do is love. I can accept. I can encourage. I can show. I can pray. I can trust in You.

Dear Lord,
I pray for the strength to carry out what I can do…love, accept, encourage, show, pray, and trust. I know I will always love my son but I pray that he will always feel my love for him. I pray for acceptance for his afflictions that I can not control. I pray he feels my acceptance, always. I pray for the strength to encourage him to see his strengths and accept his weakness––to turn his weakness into strengths and/or use them for the greater good. I pray to show him what an amazing person he is and how all these things, especially love, will help him gain happiness. I pray that he prays; that prayer will be what he turns to first in times of despair…in times of need…in times of happiness too. I pray to always trust Your plans for my son. I pray that my trust will give him trust in You, and trust in me as well.
I thank You for giving me my two amazing sons. I know as my second son gets older and has afflictions of his own, I will be saying this prayer for him. I also pray that the relationship between my two sons give them both strength in their lives. I pray that their differences balance each others. I know that they will argue but I pray they can get through each fight and come out stronger. I pray they protect each other and are always there for each other. Thank you for trusting in me and giving me this precious gift of being a mother. It is the hardest job I have been responsible for carrying out, but I know You will be there with me though it all.

Amen

We finally found a house and (as it should) all is falling into place. The offer was accepted, inspection complete, and appraisal in process. Needless to say, I have moving on the brain. I can think of nothing else. This has the potential to be the house our kids will remember as their childhood home. The home filled with traditions that shape them into the adults they will become. The home they will bring their kids to and replay their youth; watching their own play in the same grass they played in as kids. The home Matt and I will grow old in. The home I never had growing up. My parents moved us a lot. I have quite a few (ten) houses filled with segments of my childhood memories. I am not saying there is anything wrong with moving. Stability can be given no matter how many times you move…it can also not be given to one who has never moved. Some people have moving in their blood. They yearn and thrive on change. My husband and I are not of that kind. My kids may be, so I will never raise them to feel that they can not venture off in life––to be caged in the life Matt and I believe is best. Although I will be devastated if they move far away.

As you can see, our holiday season will be busy. We will be packing, getting the house ready, having holiday festivities, and so forth. Doing all this with two kids will bring some challenges. We will have to sacrifice some holiday traditions but it is only one year. Next year and the years to come will make up for it. I am so excited and so thankful to have found our new house, our home.

On a side note, here is a conversation I had with Luke this morning.

Me: Luke what do you want for Christmas this year?

Luke: I want games.

Me: What kind of games?

Luke: Like Candyland, games for kids.

Me: Oh, boardgames. Do you want anything else? What other toys do you want that you don’t have?

Luke: Nothing. I already have all the toys I want.

Me: You already have everything you want?

Luke: Yes Mommy, I have everything I want already.

“Every one of you are unique, there is no one else like you…” the pastor said. As he went on, Dr Seuss’s quote popped in my head, “Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you.” It seems so simple, but yet most people struggle with finding their uniqueness or just accepting their uniqueness. Every one of us has God given talents but if I ask you what yours are, would you know? If you know what your God given talents are, do you use them for the greater purpose? I started asking myself these questions. I felt awkward answering. I felt arrogant even though I was having the conversation in my mind. Why is it that I feel like that? How am I suppose to live the life God intends me to if I am not confident in what he has given me? Why am I not using most of my talents for the greater purpose? I have no excuse.

Years ago, I was at work and a patient’s family member looked at me and said, “You’re a Christian, aren’t you?” I smiled and replied yes. What she said next was the best compliment I have ever received. She said, “I can see God’s light shining through you.” I teared up, softly thanked her, and thought about it the remainder of my shift. Back then I struggled with my christianity. I had my days like that one where I let my guard down but mostly I fought it. I could go through the psychology of why but I don’t feel like it matters. At least not today. Maybe that will be another blog post. My point is––I want that light shining through me every single day. I want to live my life with purpose every single day. I want, no matter how crazy my life is, to be confident with my christianity every single day. I want to use my God given talents every single day. Yes, every single day.

So what are my God given talents? The other day I had two people point out how patient I am. I never thought much of it but yes I am very patient. I am a kind empathetic person. I sacrifice when people need me. But I feel there is more in me than that. I wish I could receive a phone call or an email from God. He would say, “Stacy, you are good at….you need to do this… and stop trying to do this….do this instead.” Someone I know actually just said how it take three times of God showing her something before she realizes it. She could not have said it better. I need to open my eyes to what God is showing me. Once I can achieve that, I will be one step closer.