Through the Stillness

Love Evolved Into Love
It was a chilly day in November and we had plans to go to Greenfield Village to eat at the Eagle Tavern, one of our favorite places. Matt wanted to take a walk before we went to the restaurant. It wasn’t exactly a great day to do so, but I agreed. We walked to the little chapel but the door was locked and we kept going. We walked toward the water and Matt sat me down on a bench. He proposed. I said yes.

That morning I had no clue how significant the day would be. I laugh at how Matt must of been scrambling to find another spot when he tried to pull the chapel doors open and they were locked. He didn’t show any sign of his failed plan, he just continued on keeping his cool. I think he knew our love was strong enough that no matter where we were, I would have been happy.

I do love it was there…and I love he knew I would love it. I have always liked everything about Greenfield Village, a place with historical buildings, houses, and such set up…a place you are taken back to simpler times. To me, there is nothing more enchanting.

I was very much in love with him that day. I knew he was the one. I knew, I never knew real love until he came into my life. The days leading up to our wedding brought us closer and by the day we were married, I loved him more. Years have gone by and with the years we have seen joy and sorrow. The joys of becoming parents––watching first smiles, first steps, and many other firsts. The stresses of parenthood as well––sleepless nights, the many sacrifices, the pain of learning our child has an eye disorder. There are friendships we have made and the ones we have maintained throughout the years, and other relationships that have strengthened us. We have lost loved ones, we have seen loved ones go through hard times, we have seen loved ones fall ill. We have grown, we have hurt, we have laughed, cried, and yelled. All of these things have brought us closer, a closeness I never imagined possible. I love him more today than yesterday, and I will love him even more ten years from now.

Our love has evolved into love, there is no other way to describe it.
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February 14, 2015

Family, love, marriage, valentines day
Trust
I think of a time when I was younger having to do a trust building exercise. The act of falling backward into other peoples arms––and the fear I felt not being able to see their arms stretched waiting to catch me. I closed my eyes, took a couple deep breaths and fell backwards, convinced I was going to hit the ground. But that isn’t what happened. I felt the arms of the group stop me from falling, my eyes opened, and there were smiling faces staring down at me.

That is how my life has been when I trust God. I fear, I get anxious over all the possible outcomes. Then when I finally I close my eyes and fall into His arms, I realize my burdens are never too heavy for Him to catch. It gets easier, the more I trust Him. I think less of my fear and anxiety, my eyes close quicker and I allow myself to fall harder, and with that I become lighter and lighter…
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February 11, 2015

christianity, God, trusting God
My life does not feel ordinary…
There are moments when I feel too ordinary, but it never lasts long because I have reminders all around me. I had a moment this weekend, but my husband quickly pulled me out. He told me I was an extraordinary mother. I believe I am. I sacrifice a lot for my children and am happy to do so. He also told me I am a writer. I have a hard time with this title. I usually call myself a person who loves to write…but I write enough that I should feel confident to say I am a writer. So yes, I am a writer.

Despite my moments of doubt, which are usually few and far between, I feel as though I have more purpose now than ever before in my life. I am a stay at home mom and I feel I have more purpose now than when I worked as a nurse. It is funny to me. When I was younger, I would have never imagined being a stay at home mom.

I am truly blessed not to have to juggle work and home life. I do not not worry about someone else raising my kids. I think it shows. My kids are confident, secure little guys. I am not in any way knocking people who have to work…and there are children in daycare who are just as confident and secure as my kids are. But to me, the peace of mind I have in giving them the head start I want them to have is beautiful.

Like I said, I am blessed to be able to do so.

Our family life is very traditional…my husband works, I take care of the kids and keep the house up. It works for us. There are no blurred lines, things run smoothly because of it. My husband and I are equal, we just have different responsibilities. I am not ashamed to say––I strive to be a Proverbs 31 type of lady. At the end of my life, I will have less regret if I follow this path…

Proverbs 31:10-31

10 A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Maybe my life is what many would call ordinary. But to me it is anything but ordinary.
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February 10, 2015

christianity, Family, marriage
Empty Prayers
The other day a Facebook friend posted a prayer request. I typed my usual “praying for you” reply, sent a quick prayer…more of a thought up to God, and went on with my day. Sitting in bible study during prayer, my mind drifted to my long to-do list. Listening to the pastor during prayer, I was half there and half trying to get my five year old son to stand still.

I feel ashamed, but I feel compelled to share this with others. I have to believe I am not alone in this fault. In times of hardships and desperation, my prayers are whole. Or, if it is someone I am very close to, I pray as if I were praying for myself.

I truly am a caring, sympathetic person. I cry for people who are struggling that I do not know personally. If I see someone crying, forget it––I will be crying right there with them. I could go on defending myself, but the purpose of this blog is to be accountable, not to make excuses.

I know in this busy life, it is hard to be fully present. It is hard to remember everyone who needs prayers. It is hard when you have forces pulling you away from becoming closer to God. Regardless of hard it is, I want desperation in all my prayers. It is something I need to hold myself accountable for. When I say I will pray for you…I want to mean it.

I do not have a plan of how to achieve this, but I guess admitting my fault is a good place to start.
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February 2, 2015

christianity, praying
Just me over-thinking…
Anyone who meets my son Luke will quickly learn he is bold and he has an answer for everything. He is a very knowledgeable kid for his age. He loves facts and he loves things done correctly (or what he believes to be correct). I love this about him and can see him finding a career in teaching of some sort. I believe his personality will steer him in the right direction in life.

But, I see these same characteristics causing struggles as well, if not channeled properly. In life, you simply cannot go around correcting everybody all the time. He is only five, so I am just taking a glimpse into the future. Once he is older he will learn social rights and wrongs, but I can be pretty certain he will have to remind himself of when not to correct someone…because it is the strongest part of his personality. I know I will have to help him with that.

This part of Luke is very entertaining. I cannot get enough of it. Sunday in church during the children’s message he was hilarious. I wish I would have recorded it. Many times they will use props to get the kids attentions. It was as if Luke was part of the lesson, he was right on cue. The two pastors were playing catch (doing it incorrectly as part of the lesson). Luke corrected them and then finally just stood up to show them how to correctly play catch. When they did it the right way Luke said, “Nice one.” My explaining this isn’t doing it justice. I’ll just say I had multiple people tell me how it made their day.

All of this has me thinking about how we are all equipped with strengths and they can also be weaknesses. For me, being introverted has always been the same. I see it as mostly a strength but there are times when it weakens me. It takes me a long time to feel comfortable around people and so it is hard to start something new that brings me around people I do not know. But this part of me also has always given me the strength of observation. Observation has given me the strength to feel and see a person clearly. I often know when someone is hurting or feeling whatever emotion without them saying it out loud, and this has helped me a lot in life.

I really don’t have a point to all of this, except maybe it shows no one is without weakness. You just have to hold onto your individuality, accept yourself, and also not give up when a part of you weakens the rest of you. Remember to do the same for others––because you may be what helps them get through their hard moments.
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January 14, 2015
My December
December, what a month. The beginning was wonderful, almost even magical. I was in the Christmas spirit and so were my kids. Luke and Oliver were full of excitement. I believe I saw Luke bouncing off the walls, literally. Ok not literally but close to it. I had a hope for this Christmas to be one of the best and one I would look back on and remember. Well it was not the best, it was easily the worst Christmas in my life. It was however, one I will always remember.

I am having a hard time with my grandma’s passing. I could go into the specifics of why, but I will not. I believe some things, like the pain I am feeling, are personal. Instead, I will share the light of it. I am blessed to have had her as a grandma and I will forever be a better person because of her.

My grandma’s funeral service was the most beautiful I have ever seen. Everything about it reflected my grandma and the type of person she was. The songs were carefully chosen and were all moving. Amazing Grace was played by a violinist. If You Could See Me Now, reminded us that she is in a better place. Then, Homesick was played. Homesick is a powerful song that always brings tears to my eyes and now has even more meaning to me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3k1rJOQPdY

I have never received that much peace at a funeral. From the words spoken by my cousins to the words of the two pastors, one could have no doubt of what an amazing person she was. She touched so many lives.

I don’t want to choose a favorite part or compare the greatness of all who spoke, but to be able to hear my very first pastor again just did something to me. I was taken back to a time when I was just a little girl sitting in the pew listening to him. My child-like faith was revived. I felt a lightness in my soul, stronger than any lightness I have felt in a very long time. I cannot describe it without saying it was the Holy Spirit. I wanted to hold onto the feeling. But one cannot feel that all the time, at least not in this life. I can think of it as a glimpse of what’s to come, or a glimpse of what my grandma is feeling right now and for eternity.

2014 had many downs but I never lost sight of the light or of what really matters. I believe I can face any challenge 2015 will bring. I can face 2015 with hope and with the faith of a child.
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January 1, 2015
My Grandma Scott
Two things come to mind when I think of my Grandma Scott––God and church. She truly walked the walk and did not need words to show others what God meant to her. Everyone just knew she was a godly woman.

I am still processing all of this. My Grandma Scott passed away yesterday and it is a lot to take in. My mom is in the hospital and hoping to get discharged today so her and my dad can make it up here in the next couple of days. I am heavy hearted for many reasons. It was unexpected and so it is hard to fully grasp. I think about my dad being so far away. I think about my aunt and cousin who worked with her and the heartache they are experiencing. I think about the rest of my family and how she touched everyone’s life differently. Then of course, there is my own grief. I am reminded of my other grandma who I was extremely close to and my great grandmas who have also passed. All my grandmothers are now gone and each of them shaped me in some way.

Without her knowing, my Grandma Scott saved me from completely losing my faith. I went through a period where I stopped going to church. It is hard to put all of this into words, but I will try. There are other things that helped bring me back as well, but having a foundation of christians in my family was the reminder I needed during those years. I just cannot imagine how my life could have turned out. I believe she was the foundation for the entire family. She was the rock without even knowing it. I never even told her what she did for me.

Walking into my grandma’s house, there was always peace and comfort. The presence of God was always felt there. When I needed it the most, when my faith had faltered, I would go there for family gatherings and I felt God. I remember leaving her house feeling empty––because I knew I was being stupid by not following what was in my heart and by not going to church. I was reminded every time I left their house that I knew better.

My grandma never said anything to me about my life, she didn’t have to. God spoke through her actions and through her lifestyle. I thank God for her quiet strength because He knows I wouldn’t have listened if she tried to talk to me…I was too stubborn.

I know my grandma is in heaven and I will see her again one day. I will thank her for showing me what it means to be a godly woman. I hope and pray that one day I can have the same quiet strength as her.
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December 23, 2014
The Magic of Christmas
Last night, Matt and I were watching a show after we put the boys to bed…or so I thought they were in bed. I heard a little voice shouting, “Ho ho ho.” I walked down the hall to find Oliver in our bed pretending to be Santa. See, our bed is Santa’s sleigh. To properly play his new favorite game he had to go to our room. It was adorable.

Oliver and his blossoming imagination will make this Christmas awesome. Not just Oliver but Luke as well. He is always watching out for his little brother, making sure he is behaving so Santa will bring him presents. Both my boys are very different…I love how their differences balance me and each other. Luke takes the Santa thing very serious, whereas Oliver is all about the fun of Santa. My two boys have my heart. Gosh, I love them and I love the magic of Christmas.

Today Luke’s class had a Pancake and Pajama party, Oliver and I went to it. Luke was proud to hold his brother’s hand to show him around the classroom. Oliver had fun being in a big kid class. He made himself at home, but, became upset anytime he wanted to be close to his brother and there were other kids around. “They in my way. I want Luke.” I guess he isn’t used to having to share his big brother. It was a great morning, you should have seen Luke’s smile when I walked in the room. It brought me back to my days in school and how happy and comforted I was when my mom was in the classroom.

Either this weekend or on Monday we are making my Grandma Cloum’s christmas cookies. I will probably shed a couple tears as I roll the dough, I miss her around the holidays. Something so simple as a cookie recipe being passed down is yet another magical part of Christmas. I remember helping my mom make my grandma’s cookies every year…and I never realized how special it was until I became an adult.

There are many traditions I remember as a kid, some we had throughout my entire childhood and others came and went as our families grew or whatever else the cause. I will always remember my Great Grandma Scott’s party. We would get together with my Dad’s cousins, aunts and uncles, and all their kids a couple weeks before Christmas. Needless to say the house was packed. My Great Grandma Scott would always buy everyone presents, usually clothes. The clothes were always the wrong size. As funny as that sounds, I loved it. It was a tradition for me…I never expected to get anything I could actually wear and I still looked forward to opening her present every year. I loved going there. After she died, we stopped having the Christmas party. I guess everyone knew it would never be the same without her. What great memories…

I wonder what traditions my kids will hold onto when they have a family of their own?
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December 19, 2014
Little Reminders
This week I was not feeling well. I had some sort of sinus thing going on. It brought on a dull headache that lasted about four days. My energy was on strike as well. On Tuesday, my in-laws picked up Oliver for the night. I was beyond thankful. (I promise this post is not all whining about being tired with little headache.)

Wednesday, Oliver was still over their house. It was a much needed day for me to be lazy. I do not remember the last time I was able to do as I pleased. What did I do? I watched television, I went out to lunch with my husband, I read, and then I wrote––all my favorite things in one day.

You know what? I got bored. I kept thinking, what did I do with my time before kids? It was a little reminder of my two blessings, Luke and Oliver. I realize I need time to myself more often, but I love having my kids to pass the time with. My kids bring me peace, chaos, love, stress, joy, worry…all these conflicting things they bring…I don’t ever want it to end. I know no matter how old they are they will always be my children. But, when Luke says he never wants to move out, I feel the same. I would love for him to stay young and live with us forever.

These days will pass though. Luke will change his thoughts and say he cannot wait to move out. I, of course, will encourage and help him to transition into his new life outside of our home. But these will be the days I will cherish the most. These are the days that will help shape my kids into who they will become.

I pray I will continue to make the most out of them. I pray life never gets the best of me. I pray life never gets the best of my husband, or my children. I pray for these little reminders of how truly blessed I am. I pray for all these things for you as well. The end!
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December 5, 2014
Slow Down Christmas Spirit
Usually I hold out until after Thanksgiving but I cannot control the urge this year. I am in the Christmas spirit. I programmed 100.3 in my radio and am jamming out to Christmas tunes. I am trying to stop myself from putting on my Santa hat and baking cookies.

Last Christmas we were in the midst of packing, moving, and selling our old house and maybe that’s why. Or maybe I am turning into my mom the older I get. If I pull out a leopard coat and start singing Rod Stewart, please smack me. Kidding, I love my mom…just not her love of animal print. I do kinda like Rod, though.

But in the spirit of Thanksgiving that is coming up, I need to slow down to recognize all I have to be thankful for—before I pull out all my Christmas decorations. I do something similar every year around Thanksgiving so I apologize for the repetition…but not really because I need to recognize my blessings more often than that.

My husband, my best friend, Matt. He is an amazing husband and I don’t tell him enough how much I appreciate him. More importantly, he is an amazing father. Our two boys look up to him and follow him around like he is a superhero. He doesn’t brag and he has reason to, but he chooses to be humble. It is all the little things he does. And I can’t forget to mention his blue eyes still make my heart palpitate. I love that he checks my blog a lot, nothing makes me feel more special. I know he’s my biggest fan and supporter, and I am his.
Oliver is my baby. I cannot feel down for long in his presence. He has brown eyes that are just like mine. He bounces around and is easily amused. He smiles, I smile. He laughs, I laugh. He connects with people. He eases the seriousness of this life. He has so much of me in him that I am brought back to myself through him.

Luke has always been his own person and I don’t think he will ever be easily influenced. He asks questions. He has to know the reasons, and that inspires me. He gives without thinking. At his birthday party he received a fart blaster (yes that is a real thing) and naturally it was his favorite. One of his cousin’s had a rough moment and was in tears. Luke handed his cousin the fart blaster and said to take it home for the night. What five year old hands over his favorite gift that he just received? Luke does.

I also have to mention how thankful I am that my sister in law is cancer free. I know she isn’t fully back to herself yet, but she is getting there…whether she realizes it or not. I see her smile more. I hear her more of her loud laugh that fills a room (she has a great laugh). All in all, I see her coming back little by little. I am crying happy tears just thinking of it. Thank you God for this and everything else in my life.
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November 14, 2014