Through the Stillness

It Really is Real
I have concluded today is going to be one of those days for me. I am in the mood to write. So, here is my third blog of the day…

There are moments throughout the day, in the midst of all the busyness, where I get caught up in the moment. Most of these moments accompany thoughts of parenthood. My kids are out of diapers and one is in 1st grade and I still stop and think, “I’m really a parent, aren’t I?” I feel as though this entire day has been one of those moments. Time feels slower and my mind is at ease.

I glance at my present situation. Matt and the boys are laying around watching a movie. I obviously am typing out my thoughts––thoughts of this wonderful little life of mine. I think of all the little steps Matt and I took to get here. Some steps hurt and some felt like we were gliding. Nonetheless, we are here. We are right where we should be. We are right where I want to be.

I always wanted to be a mom. I always wanted the exact life I am living right now. It seems so surreal. Like this is really happening, isn’t it? I’m not a teen daydreaming in my bedroom. I’m an adult. Matt is the type of husband I envisioned marrying. Luke and Oliver are amazing. I live in the type of house I imagined with the type of yard (one with beautiful trees) I imagined. I don’t think I would want to change one thing about my life. Except maybe the eleven gray hairs I counted on my head this morning. But truly, my gray hairs are all a part of this beautiful journey. To go back to a time without them would be tragic. Because all I would be doing is dreaming of this life I have right now. This life that I cannot believe is real, it really is real.

I thank God everyday for my blessings. I know how quickly life can change and I know my life won’t always feel this great. So I stress to my kids every single day that we are so very blessed. I want my kids to realize this life they live is everything I (their mom) ever wanted. Even on the not so fun days I cannot imagine any other life. I never dreamed of fame. I dreamed of this. I dreamed of them. I am living my dreams.
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February 28, 2016
For God so loved the world…
(Paraphrasing at its finest.)

I read a story…or maybe it was a blog…or maybe it was in a sermon once? (This isn’t starting out too well.) Anyway, there was a lady, I’ll call her Sally, who had never gone to church before. She was invited to go to a bible study. At the bible study Sally was advised to read the book of John. So she did. The next week she went back to the bible study. She raised her hand feeling more excited than she had ever been.

Sally said, “I read the book of John and there was this verse. I think it has changed my life. You guys have to hear it. For God so loved the world…” The other ladies (who probably had gone to church their entire lives) listened. One lady watched as tears rolled down Sally’s cheeks reciting this verse that most take for granted. She started crying herself and went home and prayed that every time she read or heard John 3:16 that it would be as though she had never heard it before.

As I just read this verse I prayed the same for me…and all of you.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

~John 3:16
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February 28, 2016
Coffee…get me off my butt!
I am supposed to be cleaning my van out…instead here I sit in front of the computer. I may be getting a new vehicle, you know. So I should be motivated to clean out my mom-mobile. But here I sit.

I pulled my van out of the garage because it was backed in and Matt needed to get hockey sticks out…I realized I hadn’t left the house since Wednesday morning. Introvert? Why yes, I most certainly am. Full hermit mode this week. Oh my. In my defense, Wednesday night church was canceled, Thursday there was no school, Friday morning bible study was canceled, yesterday and today is due to pure laziness. I didn’t even go to church this morning…which is not normal…at all. Unless I am out of town, I am there with bells on. I just woke up and Oliver was all snot-nosed and I didn’t feel so hot myself. Matt and Luke were just fine…but we all skipped church…and I feel guilty! Yep.

I know I am not going to hell for skipping. I know I am not going to hell for being lazy and typing this nonsense. But still. I need to get up and move. Aaah, a cup of coffee will help. So, my first sip of coffee tastes pretty good. We’ll see how I feel after…

I am about half way in now. The coffee is starting to work its mojo. The sun is shining and the temp is unusually warm for this time of year. I am starting to look forward to cleaning the mom-mobile out.

Before I go, I have to say that I am almost to the number of followers (which isn’t an outrageous number) on this blog that I said I wanted before I actually would pay for a blog. I feel a bit humbled…and blessed to have this community!
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February 28, 2016
His Land, or Mine.
Deuteronomy 11:10-15

10 The land you are entering to take over is not like the land of Egypt, from which you have come, where you planted your seed and irrigated it by foot as in a vegetable garden. 11 But the land you are crossing the Jordan to take possession of is a land of mountains and valleys that drinks rain from heaven. 12 It is a land the Lord your God cares for; the eyes of the Lord your God are continually on it from the beginning of the year to its end.

13 So if you faithfully obey the commands I am giving you today—to love the Lord your God and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul— 14 then I will send rain on your land in its season, both autumn and spring rains, so that you may gather in your grain, new wine and olive oil. 15 I will provide grass in the fields for your cattle, and you will eat and be satisfied.

I used to loathe the Old Testament. The older I get, the more I love it. It feels so alive and enlightening and relevant…

I look at the many parallels between the Israelites and my life (our lives) and I feel a bit ashamed. Before, I would read their story and roll my eyes at their stupidity. Hello! They had God there with them showing them signs such as bread falling from heaven. He spoke through burning bushes. He parted the Red sea, for goodness sake.

This morning I read these verses as the rest of my family was still asleep. I allowed the words to penetrate every part of me. I closed my eyes and envisioned a gate. A gate that is always there, where ever I go…it is right there. I open it and walk through. I see all the things He has planted and cared for. I am taken care of. I can relax and breathe in His peace. His flowers bloom in their appropriate seasons. I don’t need to water them, his rains fall as He sees fit. But then, I get impatient. I think this flower should have already bloomed. So, I water it myself. I water it too much and it dies. The gate reopens and the winds blow me back into the barren land. I am just as stupid as the Israelites.

He sometimes allows me to stay in the barren land. I grumble just as they did. But then, I feel His presence. He has never left me. He simply waits for me to allow Him to care for the land He has provided. Only He knows how long I need this reminder. When He knows I am ready, the spirit leads me to reopen the gate.

How many ways can you see these verses? There’s literally, of course. That is how I first see it. It is history. Then, I see my life before and after Christ. I see my life now when I try to control things instead of following His lead. I see how humbling it is to let go and allow Him to care for me. I want to stop, be still, and let Him hold me.
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February 25, 2016

christianity, faith, God, life, peace, trusting God
Conflict
For someone such as myself who usually avoids conflict, I have to admit (at the present time) how grateful I am for it. Through conflict I am forced to examine where I stand and why. For without it, my comfort would thicken and thus my growth would lag…

Conflict. One side is right, the other is wrong. Both sides are right, both sides are wrong. Sometimes it doesn’t matter. Regardless of who is right and who is wrong, there is always something for all to learn. If you go through conflict and do not, I would suggest you are wrong even if you are right. You don’t need to be the wrong one to be the one to learn a lesson. Maybe it is that God wants you to draw nearer to Him because of what He has planned for your next step.

I struggled with this recently. I wanted clarity from the other side, the side I feel was/is wrong. I always strive to find clarity to the point it is a strength and a weakness. Sometimes it is not mine to have. Sometimes handing it to God and allowing Him to do His job is what I should be striving for. When I reminded myself of this, I saw why things sometimes linger.

God’s timing is not my timing. I feel as though I need to repeat. God’s timing is not my timing! Some have thicker walls built up around their hearts. It takes longer for them to see the lesson and sometimes it just isn’t their time. Maybe all that was meant for them was to chip away one more layer so that the next conflict or the one after can knock down the rest of the wall.
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February 13, 2016

christianity, conflict, faith, God, life, trusting God
Let me count the ways.
I came across this picture yesterday as I was looking for another. This was taken at least ten years ago. First thing I noticed was (of course) his mustache. I chuckled as I remembered how the men in his office all grew one. I cannot recall the reason why and maybe because there was no significant reason. Just imagine walking in an office and seeing mustaches galore. Hilarious, right?

Next I noticed, or rather, I felt the love we had for each other even back then. A photo taken on an ordinary day. I obviously did not have my hair fixed pretty and did not have makeup on. I cherish and love this picture for what it shows and that is always more important than how I look.

So, this silly picture has me thinking. Today is my birthday. Not a milestone birthday…just regular one. But this man got off work early for me. He goes out of his way to make me feel special. It is in all the little things he does for me that reminds me not everyone has the kind of love we have. It is a simple fact and it is a blessing that I sometimes take for granted…

I place my head on his shoulder and am proud he is mine and I am his. There is no other that can balance me as he does. He strengthens me. He accepts my quirkiness and is my biggest fan (and boy am I quirky). I see the way my boys look up to him and I fall in love even deeper.

We laugh together, we flirt, and we roll our eyes about our mutual annoyances. We have countless inside jokes because we’re cool…or we’re dorks…either way. Did I mention he is the hardest person to stay mad at? If I look in his eyes I am done! He’s my best friend and the love of my life.

Okay, okay I’ll stop now. Sorry so mushy.
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February 12, 2016

Family, life, love
Love, Love, Love some more He says.
Love is in the air as of late. Not the mushy kind of love you usually think of. Real love. The kind of love defined in the bible. I know I already blogged about this. But I just cannot get it off my mind and He keeps reminding me in one way or the other how important it is.

So here I go again. This time I will focus on myself. I believe I can say, without seeming as though I am boasting, that I am a kind person. I give and I help a lot…some people say I give and help too much. But still, I have a love problem and I believe we all do. I get stingy with my love sometimes. I feel taken advantage of and maybe I am. Maybe it is more that people know I care and am willing to give them the love they need…and deserve. See how Satan will twist things in our minds?

I feel as though God expects from us what we can give. So when I feel like I give enough and He tells me to give more…I need to stop fighting it. When it comes to love, He expects a lot from me. Maybe He expects more from me in the love department than He does of most. That is because of my gifts (especially the gift of mercy). God would never expect me to sing in front of the church because He did not give me that gift. Am I making sense?

Anyway, I naturally love people and He has given me this ability to absorb others feelings. Sometimes it is draining. I actually avoid certain people sometimes because I feel so much of their pain. I feel ashamed even admitting this. I use the excuse that it is a defense mechanism (this avoidance) because I need a chance to recharge. I do need to recharge, that is part of being an introvert. But if I am going to be fully honest with myself…then I should say…I am always good at finding time to do so. So when I use the excuse, it is just an excuse. It is Satan telling me it is okay to avoid people. Because sure enough when I bring it to God, He always gives me a way to use my gifts without draining me too much. Imagine that.

Whatever gift He has given you–use it! Stop trying to control what He has given you. Bring it to the One who gives you strength.
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February 2, 2016
Acceptance
The problem is that I will never live up to the standards others set in their minds. I am flawed. We are all flawed. I just have to continue to be me and continue to be in the Word and continue to not allow the world to influence me. I need to continue to pull strength from God and those who lift me up. I am blessed to have people like this in my life (especially my husband). But I realize no matter how much I may want certain people to be part of my inner circle, they may not want to be. It is something I have to accept. But also, I have to remain open to a time they may change their mind.

So, I try hard not to set standards in my mind of how others should be. I believe I am very good at this most of the time. I am easy going and most people I know say they do not feel judged around me. I think this attitude can build people up and allow them to grow. At least I hope it can. I want nothing more for other people to feel loved and accepted around me. I want nothing more than to feel the same from others.

The end.
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January 30, 2016
Broken Glasses
I noticed Luke’s glasses were not on his face as he crossed the street. He stopped in front of me and raised his hand where his broken glasses lay. I felt the pain as I looked in his eyes and he told me, “My friend broke them on the bus.” I looked up as the bus pulled away. I tried to motion for the bus to stop but it was too late.

I was a bit perturbed that the driver did not take the time to tell me of the incident and I knew getting a story out of an upset Luke would not be easy. For someone with such low vision like Luke, his glasses are truly a part of his body. So to have someone break them is the equivalent of getting a black eye from someone. He was sad and mad at the situation. Long story short, I kind of got the story of what happened and have also spoken to the school. I am not happy about it and I am not happy about how kids behave on the bus. They were rough housing and his friend took it too far.

What I am happy about is how Luke has handled it since. Luke decided after the incident that he no longer wants to sit with this kid. I so admire him for making this decision on his own. I know how hard it can be to make a decision such as this. Luke told me he doesn’t like how they play mean and doesn’t want to be friends with him. The more I think about it, the more proud I become. In life, you must choose your friends wisely. Sometimes it isn’t just about how a friend treats you. It is also about how you feel and how you act around a person.
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January 27, 2016

christianity, faith, Family, friendship, life, parenting
Add one word and BOOM!
I am going to add one word to change a common statement. Instead of just looking to God–look away to God. Yes, look away from your troubles. Look away from the negativity that is trying to defeat you. Look away from what the world tells you to do. Look away to God. Boom.

Can you think of any other common statements you can add power to by adding one word?
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January 26, 2016