Category: Family

These Two Faces
If you ask why I do certain things, then just look at these two faces. If you ask why I don’t do certain things, then just look at these two faces. Becoming a parent has made me more selfless than ever before. It has brought out a side of me I never knew existed. Parts of me that had lain dormant since my own childhood have reemerged. These two have brought me more life and joy than I can ever describe.

When either of them tell me I am the best mom ever, I know without a doubt they actually believe it. That is why I will never stop trying to live up to those words. Yes, I forgive myself when I mess up. I use those as teachable moments to let them know to forgive themselves as well when they mess up. I brush off my mistake and try try again. It is all a part of the deep love I have for them.

If anything, I pray my kids will look back on their childhood and know I never gave up on them…

As of late, we have gotten swept up in the busyness of life. It shows it every detail of our family life. I think we all realized it last week, even my four-year-old. This past Friday, Matt took Oliver up to his family’s cabin for the night. I decided to have a date night with Luke. It seriously could not have come at a better time. We all needed it. It was a reminder of how much we need to do that more often.

So it is with life. We must stop and take breaks before life gets the best of us. I tell my kids that all the time. They don’t totally get it yet, but hopefully they will one day.

Anyway, these two faces are why I have more peace in life. God gave me them to open my eyes to what life is suppose to be about. Guess what? Life is not about me. It isn’t about you, either. It is not about winning an argument. It is not about outwitting someone. It is definitely not about competing or one-upping anyone.

Life is about loving God. It is about the love you hold for others. It is about what happens as a result of the love you hold. Ain’t nobody got time for anything else…at least I know I don’t. (Yes, I know ain’t is not a word.)
Share this:
Tweet
Like Loading…
November 17, 2016

God, life, love, parenting, peace
Drugs and a Well Traveled Baby Blanket
When I was around nine years old, I stayed a few weeks one summer at her house. We began sewing clothes for a little stuffed rabbit. I admired her wit and her creativity. She enjoyed writing at one time…just like me. My grandma and mom always referred to her as being so very intelligent and a few times they said I reminded them of her when she was younger. I remember feeling proud of being like her. Well, that was before drugs took her life.

One thing people don’t realize is that drugs take a person’s life long before they take their last breath. It is like a slow decay. Years later you don’t even recognize the person they once were. All you see are the lies, the anger, and the stress it has caused those you love.

It is crazy to see how drugs seeped into my life although I have never done drugs. Drugs seep into so many innocent lives. I’ve seen the trickle down effect it has on a family and it infuriates me. More, it saddens me.

Maybe to some it seemed inevitable because people with mental illness seem to have a higher incidence of drug use, but I was a kid. All I saw was the destruction and all I did was wonder what happened to my smart and funny aunt.

I rememeber the phone call. My cousin found her dead. My cousin who has had so many bad things happen to because of her. He was devastated. It was so unfair.

I cannot help but wonder where accountability falls into play. Then, that seems insensitive because mental illness is not a made up illness. Maybe the insensitivity behind mental illness is partly to blame. Which means I am partly to blame–most of us are partly to blame.

We don’t hesitate to feel for and want to help with those who have physical ailments. You have someone who is diagnosed with bipolar and it is different. We get mad at them when they once again have made a bad choice. It is hard not to be upset when someone else’s bad choices hurt those around them. I get it. Oh do I get it because I watchd it over and over again.

Up until this very moment I never realized how much drugs changed my life.

Somewhere in time, I almost forgot I had an aunt. I would see her on Christmas and a few other times throughout the year. I guess there were a few times I actually saw the real her. The time I remember the most was at my baby shower. I was surprised she came and even more surprised she brought a present. As I began opening it, I saw a glimpse of familiar color. I soon realized it was my baby blanket. She knew my mom would lose it (which is so true)…so she saved it all those years for me for my baby shower.

I cannot help but think of the countless times she moved. Every time she carried along with her my baby blanket and I had no idea. I wonder if my blanket brought her any comfort. Was it some reminder of who she once was?

Mental illness and drugs are indeed a horrible combination. The insensitivity and ignorance toward them are as well though. I know it is hard to think of the person they once were. It is hard to think somewhere under all the gunk the person still remains. Maybe we are playing God when we feel the person is beyond hope; when we forget the person is still in there struggling beyond what we can ever imagine.

Oh, how Satan want us to forget that person…

And I did. I forgot she still existed. I forgot how even the glimpse of her who still remained deserved grace, forgiveness, and love. Just like we all deserve those things. I pray the last moments of her life she called out to God. Oh I pray…
Share this:
Tweet
Like Loading…
September 29, 2016

christianity, drugs, Family, forgiveness, God, life
Another Anniversary Blog
(Almost every year, I write a blog on our anniversary. Why? Because he loves my writing more than anyone else on earth. I love him more than anyone else on earth. Plus, I think it is important to celebrate each and every year as if it were the first.)

I never had a list of qualities that I wanted in my future husband. I simply wanted someone who loved me the way my dad loves my mom. My parents have always been a great example of what to work toward in a marriage. They love each other in the way you should love your spouse. It shows in all they do. It shows in the way they tease each other. It shows in the way the are always on each other’s side.

In my teens, my mom once said to me, “I don’t know if you will ever be happy with a boy enough to marry him. You’re too picky.” I guess I was at that age. My response to her was, “When I have parents who are so happy together it is hard to settle for less.” She laughed and told me their kind of marriage doesn’t happen overnight. She then told me of one of their biggest fights. “In that moment, I felt like I hated your dad.” Those words still strike me to the core. I needed to hear it, though.

I needed to know marriage was not what I saw in my favorite movies. Marriage is real life. Marriage is work. Marriage requires love and love is more than an emotion. As my mom said, marriage can stink at times–especially if you have young kids…

It is so true. You (sometimes) get tired, irritated, and not so nice. Your kids (sometimes) take a piece of you and your marriage because you just don’t have the time to connect. But there are other times while in the midst of the craziness you stop, look at your child, and smile because he is so much like your husband. Those qualities your child has are the same qualities that drew you to your husband. You then see your husband shaking his head and laughing at your other (loud) child who is just like you. Those are the moments you are reminded of how much you need each other. Those are the moments you thank God for your real life love.

There is no one on earth I’d rather grow old with. There is no one else I’d rather vent to when our kids are acting crazy. There is no one else I’d rather wake up next to. There is no one else I’d rather lean on when life gets the best of me. You’re it, you’re the guy for me. Thank you, Matt, for loving me through the best days and the worst. I look forward to saying, “I do” the rest of our days. XOXO
Share this:
Tweet
Like Loading…
September 20, 2016
My One Prayer
Everyone has that one thing they pray for the most. You may never share this prayer with anyone but Him. You may believe it will never be answered or at least answered the way you want it to be. But still, you want it so badly you continue to pray and sometimes beg or try to negotiate a deal with God. Sometimes, if you are like me, you will feel guilty for continuously praying for this one thing. Because you know you are blessed and things could always be worse. But yet, you cannot help but to relentlessly pray for it.

My prayer is for my oldest son, Luke, who has Ocular Albinism. I don’t pray for God to take his Ocular Albinism away. I do pray for his future and his ability to adapt to this world. I pray people are kind to him because of his difficulties. I pray he one day falls in love and marries a girl who is strongly rooted in God. I pray for his future children.

My one prayer, though, is that one day his visual acuity will be enough for him to get a driver’s license. At the end of the day, I know the above prayers should have more priority. I just cannot help it. I want my son to be able to drive. It is my one selfish prayer. I want to one day hand him the keys to my car…or to Matt’s car and say don’t be home too late with tears streaming down my face. I want to see him roll his eyes and say, “I’ll be fine, Mom. I’m just driving down the street.” I want Matt to place his hand on my shoulder as he says, “Luke will be just fine”. That is what I want.

Today, driving home from Luke’s eye doctor appointment, I cried a little like I always do. This time, for the first time, the tears were filled with fragments of hope. Not a lot of hope, but just enough for me to exhale a sigh of relief. Every single appointment, even the first appointment where Luke was diagnosed, the doctor has mentioned that Luke will probably never be able to drive. It is something he knows bothers parents. He always says he doesn’t want to give parents false hope. I respect that about him. It can’t be easy. Today was different. Luke’s vision has improved some. He said it is quite possible Luke’s vision will improve enough where he could possibly be able to get a driver’s license.

It took me about ten minutes to process that. In the parking lot after Matt and I got the kids in the car, he pulled me in for a hug. Yes, I thought, he really did say what I thought he said. It was the first time I left that place without a knot in my stomach. I explained it to Luke when we got home and we talked a bit about his eye disorder. I had never spoken that in depth about it with him. I felt it was time and at the end I was able to give him a little hope. His reaction told me it was the right time.

Hope and possibility are worth holding tightly to, even when there is still a chance things may not end up to your liking. Sometimes all we have in this life is a little hope. A little hope has to be enough. It is enough for me. Thank you, Lord.
Share this:
Tweet
Like Loading…
August 9, 2016

christianity, faith, Family, God, hope, life, love, ocular albinism, parenting
The Light in the Darkness
Last night my nephew stayed the night. We let the boys stay up a bit past their bedtimes so we can catch lightening bugs. As they were running around, I realized it had been a while since I had been outside in the dark. With young kids we cling to the light––we close up shop for the day. Oh my, it was a beautiful night and I was in awe of the dark cloudy sky. A much needed light glimmered through and around me.

I walked around our yard and watched the boys. I remembered the joys of my own childhood. I pictured my young self standing still and waiting for the small flickering of light. I felt the sneaking up, the holding up of one palm, and then the taking of the other hand to quickly trap the lightening bug. My favorite part was the release. Sometimes they would immediately fly off and other times they would linger for a few seconds. I would not move until I once again saw their flickering of light in the darkness. Then I was off to find the next flickering of light. I never had any doubt that I would find another.

I began to think of the pain in this world, of the darkness the pain brings. The sun always goes down and the darkness always finds its way. My natural instinct as a parent is to wrap my arms around my kids and pull them close to me. I want to cover their eyes and shield them from the darkness of this world. I love my children and want to protect them. I can’t though.

Instead of always trying to shield them, I need to show them how to stand in the darkness by always looking to God. One day they will have to stand in the darkness and I will not be able to shield them. I will not be able to shield them. (I have to say it once more.) I will not be able to shield them. What I can do is continue to equip them by:
- Teaching them the Word.
- Praying with them
- Praying for them.
- Leading by example.
- Pointing out the light in the darkness, even if it is just a flicker.
- Being their light when I can.
- Allowing them to be my light when they can.
- Trusting God and God’s path for them.
- Praising, loving, and striving to be more like Christ with them…the only unwavering light in this dark world.
Share this:
Tweet
Like Loading…
July 27, 2016

christianity, faith, Family, God, life, love, parenting, peace, photography, trusting God
I Watched You.
Yesterday afternoon I watched as you walked up from Golf Camp. You had a dramatic look on your face, much like the many dramatic facial expressions I too have. You were the only kid not carrying your golf bag. I’m sure because you somehow talked someone else into carrying it for you. I watched as you told the person, “Okay, you can give it to me now.” I watched as you walked up to me and sighed, “Why couldn’t they just let us take a golf cart.” One of the coaches was watching you too and he chuckled. It was in that moment I realized I don’t watch you enough.

I get caught up in parenting. I love you and you are such a blessing. But our biggest blessings carry with them responsibility, worry, work, and so much more. I worry more about you because of your Ocular Albinism. I know I sometimes worry too much. I know because when I pull (or yank) myself out of being your mom and just watch––I see that you are going to be okay.

I watched you last night during wrestling. You are so witty and sarcastic. You had everyone in the room laughing––the kids, the coach, and the parents.

I watched you after wrestling as we left. You caught up with your friend. You two talked like grown-ups and us parents watched and laughed. You like to relate to people just as I do. You are not big on small talk. Kid, I’m not either.

I watched you this morning as you dug through your golf bag looking for something. You were acting like a grumpy old man. Oh boy, you are stuck in your ways. You are a very strong-willed child. I read somewhere that the most strong-willed children usually become the most independent in life. I need to remind myself of that more often.

I will never stop being your parent. I will never stop worrying about you. I will never stop trying to point you in the right direction. I will never stop trying to encourage you to be the best person possible.

I want you to know hard work pays off. I want you to be accountable for your actions. I want you to have fun in life too. I want so much for you because you deserve it.

I will never be a perfect parent. I realize that is okay. I promise to never stop trying, though. I also promise to stop and just watch you more. You are an awesome kid and I am so very proud of you. Happy Birthday, Luke. I cannot believe you are seven years old today.
Share this:
Tweet
Like Loading…
July 12, 2016

christianity, Family, life, love, ocular albinism, parenting
The ripples we cause.
Yesterday my boys were arguing, which has become the new norm here. “Life would be much easier if everyone did things just the way I prefer” mentality has been running rampant in this house. Lecturing hasn’t worked and even discipline has been pretty ineffective.

So, I was desperate…

We were at a park and decided to walk by the water and then go on the trails. I thought maybe the water would have a calming effect on them like it does me. I glanced down and saw some gravel. I had a silly idea and decided to go with it.

“Hey boys, pick up some rocks and let’s go by the water for a minute.”

They happily picked up as many as their hands could hold. We knelt down by the water and I took a deep breath. I explained to them how our words and our actions have the ability to impact others. I told them to watch as I threw a rock in. “See the ripples? Now take one rock and pretend it is a mean word or action. Those ripples can impact a lot of people, can’t they?” Their eyes got big. I was actually surprised it worked. So I went on.

“Now, take another rock and pretend it is a nice word or action. They cause ripples too!” Luke grabbed a rock and said, “This is an I love you rock.” He watched the ripples. Oliver did the same. They practiced other nice words and actions and we talked about the impact each could cause.

Today when they got into another argument, all I had to say was, “What kind of ripples are you causing?”

Next time we go to the park I’m sure they will want to throw more rocks in the water. I pray it becomes a thing and they will be reminded each time they see water. Maybe even one day they will have the same moment with their own kids. I can almost hear their grown up voices saying to their children, “What kind of ripples are you causing?”
Share this:
Tweet
Like Loading…
July 7, 2016

christianity, Family, life, parenting, peace, photography
Clean, not tidy. Balance, not perfection.
I’m a bit behind on laundry. Well, actually I am more than a bit behind. I’m more like four loads behind. But, we have clean towels. Matt has clean work clothes and the rest of our closets have plenty to choose from as well. Maybe it means we just have too many clothes. Or it means…and it means (?) I have better things to do.

Yesterday the boys and I picked up the house. It was clean, not super tidy, just clean. Then we went to the park. I watched them play at the playground and then we went exploring in the woods. Luke wanted to find something unusual. We ended up getting a little lost (because I’m me). On our adventure we found a creaky tree. Like literally it was creaky. I was waiting for it to fall over or something. We also heard another very unusual noise further down the trail. I still cannot figure out what it was. The boys got scared and clung to me and it took all I had to keep my giggles contained.

Today, Luke was a bit under the weather. I set Oliver up with a movie and I sat with Luke because he didn’t want to be alone. My house is clean, not super tidy, just clean. Maybe since I am a stay at home mom, I should keep things cleaner than I do. But then, I cannot. Tidiness makes me anxious.

I like balance, not perfection.

I like to go to bed at night knowing I chose to spend time with my family. I love to make memories. I believe you can raise responsible kids and show them there are more important things than having everything in order all the time. I don’t want my kids to get anxious when life is out of order. To me, that is no way to live.

My kids do chores. They see our house clean and they see our house not so clean. They help me make dinner and they have a dance party with me in the kitchen at the same time. Our neighbors may look through the windows thinking were nuts, but I don’t care. Because we also read, do homework, pray together, talk, clean, build, do yard work, run, make messes, and then clean up all over again. I know my way of life is not for everyone, but it’s definitely for me!
Share this:
Tweet
Like Loading…
June 29, 2016

christianity, Family, life, love, parenting, peace
Who’s Teaching Who?
I opened Oliver’s car door, unstrapped his carseat belt, and he climbed out. As soon as his feet hit the sidewalk he glanced up waiting for my nod and off he went. He ran toward the playground and I swear I could feel his joy. In those moments time slows down. I try to savor them because I know before long my kids will be older and playgrounds will lose their magic. They will lose some of themselves to this world as well, no matter how hard I try to encourage them not to. We all lose some of ourselves to this world.

I sat and watched Oliver climb and jump and run. His wild imagination took him to some faraway land. There were no other kids and so he entertained himself until another kid, a girl, showed up. Their eyes met, they smiled, and they immediately started playing. It was that simple.

The pressures of the world have pulled us ‘adults’ away from what really matters. What if we lived our lives like kids do at playgrounds?

The way Oliver and this little girl met–they felt safe and free to be themselves in an instant. They didn’t judge each other. They didn’t care who lived in a bigger house…who had a higher degree…they just looked at each other and decided to spend a moment of their lives together. They didn’t expect anything from each other except attention and a few smiles and laughs.

Before we left the park a dad and his kid showed up. The dad looked at me and asked how old my kids were. He assumed Oliver and this little girl were siblings with how they played. Yep. How much would change if we saw more people as our brothers and sisters?

It’s funny how we grow up and spend so much time teaching our kids, when really there is so much we should be learning from them.
Share this:
Tweet
Like Loading…
June 3, 2016

christianity, Family, life, parenting
It is never easy.
Luke has been asking to take piano lessons. We had a few things going on and said this spring/summer we would get him started. I decided to start looking a couple weeks ago. Oh, but wait. With his eye disorder he will require more energy than just picking up the phone and setting up a lesson. So the search began to find someone with at least a little experience with someone with special needs. Especially at first to get him acquainted with the basics.

Today, I finally found a piano instructor. I spoke with her over the phone and it took all I had not to cry happy tears. He has his first lesson next week. She had so much excitement in her voice, true excitement, so I know it is a good fit. I cannot tell you how much weight is now off my shoulders.

It is never easy when you have a kid with special needs. I am not writing this looking for sympathy. I just don’t think people are aware of how hard it is. Constant worry and researching. Making sure his IEP is being followed through. Building his confidence. Loving him but trying not to baby him too much. I know in many ways we have babied him too much and now we are trying to reverse that a bit. It is so hard. I just want the best for him. I just want him to have a good life. Deep down I know he will. He is a strong person with a sometimes too strong personality.

My Luke has a limitless way of thinking and living. He wants to try it all. I want him to try it all. I don’t want any of his struggles to slow him down. But, not everyone is able to accommodate him. It doesn’t seem fair. But then, it isn’t fair to expect others to step up and make extra effort for one kid. But, I so want them to. But, not everyone is equipped for that.

It always takes more effort, which of course I am willing to give. I have to worry about showing my youngest attention as well. We do a lot more for Luke and I don’t ever want Oliver to feel left out. From what I have heard it is inevitable. He will feel we do more for Luke because we will always have to do more for Luke. It is a sad reality we as a family have to deal with and make the best of.

I know there are people who have children with greater needs than Luke. I know I am blessed in many ways. Still, it is never easy.
Share this:
Tweet
Like Loading…
May 17, 2016

Family, life, ocular albinism, parenting