Finding the Joy in Parenting


Choices. As a parent you are always making choices. Sometimes your brain is dizzy with all the things you need to decide. You want what is best for your kids and many times it is hard to measure the results. You make a choice. You hope and pray it was the right one. You wait. You breathe a sigh of relief when you find you did the right thing. You feel ill when you find you did the wrong thing. Sometimes you wait years to see if it was the right choice. Sometimes you will never know.

You have information thrown at you from all directions. It is as though everyone knows how to be the perfect parent. Well, until it is your own child that you are parenting. Because, once you look your child in the eye and feel the overwhelming love, you just know there is too much at stake to even try to pretend you know what to do all the time. Once you see your child struggle or mess up, you know there is no cookie cutter way to parent your imperfect and unique child…

How do you ease your weary mind and embrace the joy of parenting? The answer is a little different for everyone. Again, there is no cookie cutter way.

I feel like I do a decent job (most days) at enjoying this sometimes arduous journey. Here are some tips I have picked up along the way:

  1. If it isn’t broke, simply leave it alone. If something works for you and your family then screw what everyone else thinks.
  2. Do listen to advice, though. Some people know more than you. But don’t forget, it is your choice on what advice you follow.
  3. If you don’t follow someone’s advice, don’t feel guilty. Seriously, don’t. You know your child the best. You also know your own limits. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
  4. Honor your limits. Honor your spouse’s limits. Honor your kids limits. Enough said.
  5. Don’t judge other parents. You are not in their shoes. You do not know their child as they do.
  6. Don’t compare and don’t ever compete. No one enjoys being around those who try to compete or get their kids involved in such nonsense.
  7. Allow your child to be who they are, not who you think they should be. This may be hard, but, your kids know themselves better than you know them. (I have to thank my parents for doing a great job at this one.)
  8. Forget the rules sometimes. Just have fun. Sing loud, dance, and get a little goofy with them.
  9. Love them. Figure out how they feel loved. Give it to them unconditionally.
  10. Let them love you. Accept the way they show love and appreciate it.
  11. Most importantly, trust God and His will for your kids. God’s got this, guys. He really does.

Feel free to share any tips I may have missed.

 

The Fickleness of Life

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I took this picture as I was driving one evening. It was New Years Eve to be exact. I know it was a bit risky, but there was something about the sky that night.  It was in the clouds, the sun setting, and it was my contemplative mood. Maybe it was in my contemplative mood that made the sky more beautiful than usual.  Though still, when I look at this picture I am drawn to it.

When I was in my late teens and early twenties I would go for drives out in the country when my mind was weary.  I remember some of the moments that led me to grab my keys and go. They were all moments that grew me as a person. Moments I wouldn’t want to relive, but also moments I wouldn’t want to take back.

Nowadays, with kids, seldom do I find solace in the car.  I use it as a time to connect and reconnect.  We talk sometimes about life and faith. I turn up the tunes and jam with my kids. I listen to them converse with each other. We play I Spy. It is fun. Peaceful?  Not so much.

I no longer have the freedom to take off as I please.  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss it.  It is yet another sacrifice I am willing to make as a parent.

I will get my car rides back some day.  The peace and quiet…the scenery will soothe my weary mind. I will think of my car rides with the boys. I will hear the loudness and feel the chaos in my mind. It will then be those car rides I miss.

Funny how fickle we are.

 

Soon You’ll be Forty Years Old…

DSC_0157Matthew,

I cannot believe your fortieth birthday is next week.  When I think of when we first met and then think of our life now it amazes me. I think of all the years in between…everything we’ve been through…wow.  We really are doing this. We really are continuously building a life together, for better or worse. I think we have seen both.  It is inevitable there will be good times and bad.  Life. That is life.

I remember our early days of flirting by tossing pumpkin guts (Is that what you call it?) at each other. Who would’ve thought after all these years that we’d be married with two kids? I’ll never forget the summer we spent at the beach.  We pretty much lived moment to moment.  I won’t share all our memories on here, but those are just a couple that I go back to when life gets crazy.

All I know is that there is no one else on earth who knows me and loves me like you do. Anytime you ask me to write a blog or remind me I haven’t in a while, I am reminded how much you care about me. You are a good person, Matt.  Don’t you ever forget that.

Time seems to speed up the older we get, it really does. It will seem as only a few moments have passed before I am thinking, soon I’ll be forty years old. I don’t like to think about myself as being forty, but as long as you are by my side I will be just fine.

Before we know it, our kids will be grown and forty will seem young.  I cannot wait to see you as a grandfather. Heck, maybe we will even have a granddaughter. How weird would that be to have a girl in our life?

Oh my and then before we know it, we will retire. I’m seeing us as snowbirds for sure.  A nice condo on a beach somewhere? We’ll be walking along the beach and I will turn to you and say, “My dear, soon you’ll be seventy years old.  Where did the time go?” You will lean down, kiss my forehead and say, “I don’t know, babe. Did I take me medicine this morning?”

XOXO

These Two Faces

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If you ask why I do certain things, then just look at these two faces. If you ask why I don’t do certain things, then just look at these two faces. Becoming a parent has made me more selfless than ever before. It has brought out a side of me I never knew existed. Parts of me that had lain dormant since my own childhood have reemerged. These two have brought me more life and joy than I can ever describe.

When either of them tell me I am the best mom ever, I know without a doubt they actually believe it. That is why I will never stop trying to live up to those words. Yes, I forgive myself when I mess up. I use those as teachable moments to let them know to forgive themselves as well when they mess up. I brush off my mistake and try try again. It is all a part of the deep love I have for them.

If anything, I pray my kids will look back on their childhood and know I never gave up on them…

As of late, we have gotten swept up in the busyness of life. It shows it every detail of our family life. I think we all realized it last week, even my four-year-old. This past Friday, Matt took Oliver up to his family’s cabin for the night. I decided to have a date night with Luke. It seriously could not have come at a better time. We all needed it. It was a reminder of how much we need to do that more often.

So it is with life. We must stop and take breaks before life gets the best of us. I tell my kids that all the time. They don’t totally get it yet, but hopefully they will one day.

Anyway, these two faces are why I have more peace in life. God gave me them to open my eyes to what life is suppose to be about. Guess what? Life is not about me. It isn’t about you, either. It is not about winning an argument. It is not about outwitting someone. It is definitely not about competing or one-upping anyone.

Life is about loving God. It is about the love you hold for others. It is about what happens as a result of the love you hold. Ain’t nobody got time for anything else…at least I know I don’t. (Yes, I know ain’t is not a word.)

Another Anniversary Blog

(Almost every year, I write a blog on our anniversary. Why? Because he loves my writing more than anyone else on earth.  I love him more than anyone else on earth.  Plus, I think it is important to celebrate each and every year as if it were the first.)  

I never had a list of qualities that I wanted in my future husband. I simply wanted someone who loved me the way my dad loves my mom. My parents have always been a great example of what to work toward in a marriage. They love each other in the way you should love your spouse. It shows in all they do. It shows in the way they tease each other. It shows in the way the are always on each other’s side.

In my teens, my mom once said to me, “I don’t know if you will ever be happy with a boy enough to marry him. You’re too picky.” I guess I was at that age. My response to her was, “When I have parents who are so happy together it is hard to settle for less.” She laughed and told me their kind of marriage doesn’t happen overnight. She then told me of one of their biggest fights.  “In that moment, I felt like I hated your dad.” Those words still strike me to the core.  I needed to hear it, though.

I needed to know marriage was not what I saw in my favorite movies. Marriage is real life. Marriage is work.  Marriage requires love and love is more than an emotion. As my mom said, marriage can stink at times–especially if you have young kids…

It is so true. You (sometimes) get tired, irritated, and not so nice. Your kids (sometimes) take a piece of you and your marriage because you just don’t have the time to connect. But there are other times while in the midst of the craziness you stop, look at your child, and smile because he is so much like your husband. Those qualities your child has are the same qualities that drew you to your husband. You then see your husband shaking his head and laughing at your other (loud) child who is just like you. Those are the moments you are reminded of how much you need each other. Those are the moments you thank God for your real life love.

There is no one on earth I’d rather grow old with. There is no one else I’d rather vent to when our kids are acting crazy. There is no one else I’d rather wake up next to. There is no one else I’d rather lean on when life gets the best of me. You’re it, you’re the guy for me. Thank you, Matt, for loving me through the best days and the worst. I look forward to saying, “I do” the rest of our days. XOXO

 

 

My One Prayer

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Everyone has that one thing they pray for the most. You may never share this prayer with anyone but Him. You may believe it will never be answered or at least answered the way you want it to be.  But still, you want it so badly you continue to pray and sometimes beg or try to negotiate a deal with God. Sometimes, if you are like me, you will feel guilty for continuously praying for this one thing.  Because you know you are blessed and things could always be worse.  But yet, you cannot help but to relentlessly pray for it.

My prayer is for my oldest son, Luke, who has Ocular Albinism. I don’t pray for God to take his Ocular Albinism away.  I do pray for his future and his ability to adapt to this world.  I pray people are kind to him because of his difficulties. I pray he one day falls in love and marries a girl who is strongly rooted in God.  I pray for his future children.

My one prayer, though, is that one day his visual acuity will be enough for him to get a driver’s license. At the end of the day, I know the above prayers should have more priority. I just cannot help it. I want my son to be able to drive. It is my one selfish prayer. I want to one day hand him the keys to my car…or to Matt’s car and say don’t be home too late with tears streaming down my face.  I want to see him roll his eyes and say, “I’ll be fine, Mom. I’m just driving down the street.”  I want Matt to place his hand on my shoulder as he says, “Luke will be just fine”.  That is what I want.

Today, driving home from Luke’s eye doctor appointment, I cried a little like I always do. This time, for the first time, the tears were filled with fragments of hope.  Not a lot of hope, but just enough for me to exhale a sigh of relief. Every single appointment, even the first appointment where Luke was diagnosed, the doctor has mentioned that Luke will probably never be able to drive. It is something he knows bothers parents. He always says he doesn’t want to give parents false hope.  I respect that about him.  It can’t be easy. Today was different. Luke’s vision has improved some. He said it is quite possible Luke’s vision will improve enough where he could possibly be able to get a driver’s license.

It took me about ten minutes to process that. In the parking lot after Matt and I got the kids in the car, he pulled me in for a hug.  Yes, I thought, he really did say what I thought he said. It was the first time I left that place without a knot in my stomach. I explained it to Luke when we got home and we talked a bit about his eye disorder. I had never spoken that in depth about it with him. I felt it was time and at the end I was able to give him a little hope. His reaction told me it was the right time.

Hope and possibility are worth holding tightly to, even when there is still a chance things may not end up to your liking. Sometimes all we have in this life is a little hope. A little hope has to be enough.  It is enough for me.  Thank you, Lord.

 

The Light in the Darkness

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Last night my nephew stayed the night.  We let the boys stay up a bit past their bedtimes so we can catch lightening bugs.  As they were running around, I realized it had been a while since I had been outside in the dark. With young kids we cling to the light––we close up shop for the day. Oh my, it was a beautiful night and I was in awe of the dark cloudy sky. A much needed light glimmered through and around me.

I walked around our yard and watched the boys.  I remembered the joys of my own childhood. I pictured my young self standing still and waiting for the small flickering of light. I felt the sneaking up, the holding up of one palm, and then the taking of the other hand to quickly trap the lightening bug. My favorite part was the release. Sometimes they would immediately fly off and other times they would linger for a few seconds.  I would not move until I once again saw their flickering of light in the darkness. Then I was off to find the next flickering of light. I never had any doubt that I would find another.

I began to think of the pain in this world, of the darkness the pain brings. The sun always goes down and the darkness always finds its way. My natural instinct as a parent is to wrap my arms around my kids and pull them close to me.  I want to cover their eyes and shield them from the darkness of this world. I love my children and want to protect them. I can’t though.

Instead of always trying to shield them, I need to show them how to stand in the darkness by always looking to God. One day they will have to stand in the darkness and I will not be able to shield them. I will not be able to shield them. (I have to say it once more.) I will not be able to shield them. What I can do is continue to equip them by:

  • Teaching them the Word.
  • Praying with them
  • Praying for them.
  • Leading by example.  
  • Pointing out the light in the darkness, even if it is just a flicker.  
  • Being their light when I can.
  • Allowing them to be my light when they can.  
  • Trusting God and God’s path for them.
  • Praising, loving, and striving to be more like Christ with them…the only unwavering light in this dark world.