Through the Stillness

Today is the fourth day of VBS.  I’m kinda exhausted, my brain is overloaded, but I feel so blessed to be a part of it.  Someone told me a story today and it made me realize how big VBS can be in someone’s life.  I mean, I already knew…but it is encouraging to hear that all the hard work is worth it and can truly impact someone’s entire life.

God places people in you life.  Those God moments you have with these people can be almost unbelievable.  I had a friend who’s had a tough week. I just tried to show her some love and encouragement so I wrote her a little note in a card this morning.  About ten minutes after, she called me to thank me for always being so sweet.  I didn’t tell her about the note on the phone.  When I saw her this morning, I gave her the card and told her that I actually wrote the note before she called me.  Her response was, “That’s creepy!”  We laughed because it is in the best possible way.

I don’t know really why I am even blogging about any of this.  I guess this rambling confirms what an awesome God we have.

My parents were in town too.  I asked them to make sure not to come to town during VBS week.  It is just too much.  I come home and want to prepare for the next day.  Plus my kids are tired from all the fun.  But also, I just get sad when my parents leave.  They left this morning.  I just wish they lived closer.

Life.  I get weighed down when those I care about are struggling.  And, I don’t see how people get through this life without the hope He brings.

I can’t get the VBS songs out of my head.  My kids and I have been singing them all week. Praise ye the Lord!

I was once told I was my husband’s cheerleader.  I never thought of it that way before, but I guess I am.

Matt is a man, not a boy, and I love him for being a man.  I have his back and I am proud of all he does. I don’t ever want him to forget what a great person he is.

We have built a beautiful life together.

He is a great dad.  His priorities are straight.  I love how he chooses our boys over other things. I don’t have to worry because he is there. He is present.  He wants to be involved in the little decisions and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

My boys are lucky because they have the best dad in the world.  I’m lucky too and I thank God for him each and every day.

The end.

I strive to show my kids mercy and grace.  I encourage them to show themselves mercy and grace as well.  I do not expect perfection from them.  I only expect the effort of improvement.

I think we are all born with things that give us strength and also with things we will always need to work on.  Luke is a great kid with many characteristics I admire.  But, he also has moments that make me want to hide under a rock.  He is blunt and comes across as rude and aloof many times.  He blurts things out without thinking.  Sometimes it is funny, other times not so much.  He knows he does this and he tries not to.  This will always be the thing, socially, he will struggle with.

Oliver, is more emotional.  He gets embarrassed very easily.  He gets mad at people. But, he also has a joy that brings a lightness wherever he goes.  I guess my point is that no one is perfect. We all have imperfections and there are no one’s imperfections that are better than others.  You know what I mean?

Something happened and I can find no meaning and absolutely no good in it.  I struggle when I cannot find peace in a situation.  When there is seemingly nothing I can do to help I ache. I feel broken. I feel weak. I know to turn to prayer. The part I struggle with and always need to remind myself is that sometimes all I can do is pray.  I cannot help in every situation.  I am not meant to.

Suicide, is on my mind. I cannot help but to think it may be  one of the saddest things in this world. I also cannot help but to think the pressure to always be strong is to blame.  We worship strength in this world. Those who push the limits and never succumb to weakness are seen as great.  Those who, when faced with trials, keep their heads held high and refuse to fall are the ones we admire.

People feel ashamed for not being able to handle things on their own. Well, guess what? We are wrong to want to always be strong. I am not saying we shouldn’t push through difficult situations.  No, sometimes we have to in order to survive.  What I am saying is, it is okay to embrace your weaknesses. Maybe that is where real strength is found. It is okay to say you can’t do it on your own. It is okay to need help.

People get trapped in their darkness. They feel there is no way out. We can easily say, we would never do it.  But then, we have never been in their shoes. We don’t really talk about suicide because we don’t know what to say.  We may state our opinions but that usually does nothing to help. We have no idea.  I have no idea. I’m not saying I could have prevented the recent suicide I am speaking of.  No, unfortunately I could not have because I had no idea the struggle this person was going through. But, what if we talked about the real issue?  What if we broke this mindset of having to hold our own?

I don’t think we need to announce our weaknesses to the world. Some people don’t like talking about the things that bother them the most, I know I don’t. But, what if we started by just admitting them to ourselves and to God?  I think He could work in us and through us more if we did. I bet we would be able to sympathize with others more.  I bet we’d stop judging others for their weaknesses. I bet we’d offer more help and accept more help from God and from those God places in our lives.

The end.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” —2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I think of many sad, horrible, and uncontrollable situations I have seen in my lifetime. Although they sadden me and I see how the struggles have changed the person to the core–– I see how they brought families closer, deepened faith, increased awareness, and so on. I can at least see a little good, even if it is just a smidgen. I believe a smidgen of good can leave an everlasting positive effect in this world.

There are a few things I find no meaning and absolutely no good in.  I have not been forced to face any of these in a family member or close friend, until last night…

I put the kids to bed and I grabbed my phone to plug it in and noticed I had missed a phone call from an out of state relative.  I knew it had to be bad news.  I listened to the message and her shaky voice confirmed my suspicions.  “Stacy, call me back.  I have bad news.”  I automatically assumed it was my uncle.  He is at that age where it wouldn’t surprise me.  I stepped outside, took a few deep breaths, and called her.

Her voice was the same familiar voice but it was different also. There has always been an undeniable strength in her voice. She is one of the strongest people I have ever known.  It is funny, because my best friend is so much…almost too much like my aunt.  As soon as she started speaking I felt her brokenness.

There is something catastrophic about when a strong person breaks.  I think we depend on the strong people in our lives to always remain that way.  But, there are things in this life that even the strongest cannot survive.

It wasn’t my uncle.  It was my cousin.  “He’s dead,” she said. She told me it happened a couple weeks ago. I knew he had health issues, but I was shocked.  I was more shocked she was just now telling me.  I asked about the funeral.  She told me they didn’t have any service. She then told me in depth about his health issues.  Then she said, “I guess he just got tired of it all and killed himself.”  I didn’t press for details.  I just listened.  She said if I didn’t hear from her for a while to understand.  She asked me to write her and keep in touch though.  Then she asked me to tell the rest of the family.

He was in his late forties. I don’t know why I somehow associated suicide with teenagers. As if, we become adults and are supposed to just endure this life with our heads held high. I know when teens commit suicide they have their entire lives ahead of them and it is awful and the thought of losing a teenage child this way disturbs me to the core. But adults, when they lose hope and fall into darkness, it disturbs me to the core just as much…maybe even more?  I don’t know.

My aunt said that this was going to kill her and my uncle. They are broken. At their age, I bet they don’t have the strength to fight it. I don’t know if I could. I am struggling with this. I cannot find any good. I feel a bit broken right now too.