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Through the Stillness

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  • Who’s Teaching Who?

    IMG_5213I opened Oliver’s car door, unstrapped his carseat belt, and he climbed out.  As soon as his feet hit the sidewalk he glanced up waiting for my nod and off he went.  He ran toward the playground and I swear I could feel his joy. In those moments time slows down. I try to savor them because I know before long my kids will be older and playgrounds will lose their magic. They will lose some of themselves to this world as well, no matter how hard I try to encourage them not to. We all lose some of ourselves to this world.

    I sat and watched Oliver climb and jump and run. His wild imagination took him to some faraway land. There were no other kids and so he entertained himself until another kid, a girl, showed up. Their eyes met, they smiled, and they immediately started playing.  It was that simple.

    The pressures of the world have pulled us ‘adults’ away from what really matters. What if we lived our lives like kids do at playgrounds?

    The way Oliver and this little girl met–they felt safe and free to be themselves in an instant.  They didn’t judge each other.  They didn’t care who lived in a bigger house…who had a higher degree…they just looked at each other and decided to spend a moment of their lives together. They didn’t expect anything from each other except attention and a few smiles and laughs.

    Before we left the park a dad and his kid showed up.  The dad looked at me and asked how old my kids were.  He assumed Oliver and this little girl were siblings with how they played. Yep. How much would change if we saw more people as our brothers and sisters?

    It’s funny how we grow up and spend so much time teaching our kids, when really there is so much we should be learning from them.

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    June 3, 2016
    christianity, Family, life, parenting

  • It is never easy.

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    Luke has been asking to take piano lessons. We had a few things going on and said this spring/summer we would get him started. I decided to start looking a couple weeks ago. Oh, but wait. With his eye disorder he will require more energy than just picking up the phone and setting up a lesson.  So the search began to find someone with at least a little experience with someone with special needs. Especially at first to get him acquainted with the basics.

    Today, I finally found a piano instructor.  I spoke with her over the phone and it took all I had not to cry happy tears.  He has his first lesson next week.  She had so much excitement in her voice, true excitement, so I know it is a good fit. I cannot tell you how much weight is now off my shoulders.

    It is never easy when you have a kid with special needs.  I am not writing this looking for sympathy.  I just don’t think people are aware of how hard it is. Constant worry and researching. Making sure his IEP is being followed through.  Building his confidence. Loving him but trying not to baby him too much.  I know in many ways we have babied him too much and now we are trying to reverse that a bit. It is so hard.  I just want the best for him.  I just want him to have a good life.  Deep down I know he will.  He is a strong person with a sometimes too strong personality.

    My Luke has a limitless way of thinking and living.  He wants to try it all.  I want him to try it all. I don’t want any of his struggles to slow him down.  But, not everyone is able to accommodate him.  It doesn’t seem fair.  But then, it isn’t fair to expect others to step up and make extra effort for one kid.  But, I so want them to. But, not everyone is equipped for that.

    It always takes more effort, which of course I am willing to give. I have to worry about showing my youngest attention as well.  We do a lot more for Luke and I don’t ever want Oliver to feel left out. From what I have heard it is inevitable.  He will feel we do more for Luke because we will always have to do more for Luke. It is a sad reality we as a family have to deal with and make the best of.

    I know there are people who have children with greater needs than Luke. I know I am blessed in many ways. Still, it is never easy.

     

     

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    May 17, 2016
    Family, life, ocular albinism, parenting

  • Be Still

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    A few weeks ago someone I consider close said something hurtful to me.  I cannot stop thinking about it.  It was one of those things the more I think about it, the more it bothers me.

    Be still…

    My grandpa had a quintuple bypass surgery.  I’ve been so scared to lose him.  I am not ready for that.

    Be still…

    I feel our lives have been so busy.  We can’t get caught up on the little things.

    Be still…

    I am not sure why, maybe from busyness, there’s a loneliness creeping in.

    Be still…

    I know not everyone will agree, but there seems to be so many changes in the world and  I don’t like them.

    Be still…

    So many I know and love are hurting.

    Be Still…

    (The list goes on and on.)

    But then, I think of my kids and how much they mean to me.

    There’s the stillness…

    Their faces lit up when their dad, my husband pulled into the driveway.

    There’s the stillness…

    I hear my husband’s laugh.

    There’s the stillness…

    Our nighttime routine, our family prayers, our ever-growing traditions, our love.

    There’s the stillness

    I look and see my completely marked up (falling apart) bible.

    There’s the stillness…

    My knowing when I’m scared, or when someone is hurtful toward me, when life gets crazy, or when I worry about loved ones, when I miss loved ones, or when Satan tries pulling me down I know where to turn.  I know because He whispers to me…

    Be still and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10)

     

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    May 13, 2016
    christianity, faith, Family, Jesus, life, love, praying, trusting God

  • Fly

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    If…

    We want to instill a strong faith in our kids.  We want them to stand up for their faith and not be ashamed.  We want them to have eternal life.

    Then…

    Why do adults not live the faith we would want our kids to have?  Why are we ashamed to strongly stand up for our beliefs?  Why are we so quiet in our worship (daily lives)?

    I feel like I’ve been shoved in a cage.  Have faith but don’t fly.  Don’t share your faith too strongly or else you’ll be judged.  Water it down girl.  Just water it down.

    The thing is that I don’t want to water it down.  I believe that is what child-like faith is supposed to be like.  I feel a joy that hurts when I don’t let it out.  I feel the power of the Holy Spirit in my life.  I am grateful for all He does in my life. I want others, especially my kids, to see His love through me.

    That’s all.

     

     

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    May 12, 2016

  • Reminder

    This morning was one of those not so fun mornings all parents experience. I woke up realizing today was the day Luke needed his costume for a Spanish video. I thought I had another day to find the top. I felt horrible! (I did end up finding it.) Then, Oliver colored his entire body with marker to get into whatever character he was trying to be and of course we all needed to get ready and so on. Five minutes before Luke needed to be at the bus stop, he opened up his art kit. I told him he needed to get out the door and he wouldn’t listen. Anyway, he came over to me with a marker, grabbed my hand and did this. “Mommy, I think you need this reminder today.” He gave me a hug and left for school.

    Life will never be perfect and we will never be perfect. In those not so great moments we need to take a deep breath and remember His love and sacrifice on the cross. Thanks for the reminder, Luke!
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    May 4, 2016
    christianity, cross, faith, Family, God, Jesus, life, love

  • The Little One

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    He watched as his brother climbed up the tree with ease.  I snapped some pictures and then Luke ran off to find a bigger tree to climb. Oliver’s eyes stared up at me with a hint of sadness. He turned his eyes back to his big brother who was laughing and confidently climbing his next quest.

    “Come here.  I’ll lift you up,” I said to Oliver.

    His eyes lit up, “Really, Mommy?”

    I picked him up and placed him in the tree.  He slowly stood up with my guidance and I snapped a picture.

    I don’t think there is anything else to add…the look on his face says it all.

     

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    April 30, 2016

  • Always With Me

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    All before my eyes and the ridge behind is the spot my husband picked out for us. One day we will bring our grandkids here, I thought. I stood still and the rest of the world seemed to fade away. There were five adults and my two boys preparing to plant trees on the ridge directly behind me, but even their voices turned to faint whispers…

    My husband is a patient man. He took his time picking and finding the spot on his uncle’s land. I was just ready and impatient and wanted to tell him to pick a spot to get it over with. Everyone else had been able to work on their spots and we helped…and it was nice but I wanted our own spot!  But that is not how Matt is with decisions.  I am so glad he is patient.  Because we would not have gotten this spot.  He wanted it to be the right spot, not just any spot.

    I realized, as I snapped this picture that Matt’s patience in these matters is so much of a Christ-like trait.  Matt would probably shake his head no if I said this to his face…but really it is.  Christ does not want us to just settle. He wants us to be patient in every aspect of our lives. Patience is a part of following God’s will. I am thankful my husband reminded me of this…although he did not intentionally do so.

    I had more than one moment this weekend where I felt His loving arms wrap around me. Truly,  nature has a way of forcing you to be still and feel His presence. I was walking in the woods, Oliver came running up to hold my hand. “I want to walk with you. Didn’t you hear me calling your name?”

    I didn’t hear him because I was distracted by my own thoughts. But as his little hand grasped mine, my worries went away.  We walked and talked…his eyes looked up to mine…I felt how safe he feels with me…and I felt God’s love through Oliver’s touch. In this world we will feel lonely…even in places we feel we should not. We need to remember God is always calling us closer.  He is always right there wanting to walk with us.  His hand is always there to be held––and He is always a safe place.

     

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    April 26, 2016

  • Quick Thought

    Do not allow your church to become your religion, instead your religion should become your church.

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    April 25, 2016

  • Overgrown Grass

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    One of my favorite things to do is look at pictures. My fondest memory consists of sitting on the floor at my great grandma’s house and going through photo albums. It was what I looked forward to the most when we went for a visit.  I loved the stories that went along with each picture. More though, I loved that the pictures themselves said more than what the spoken stories told.

    I happen to like taking pictures as well. I am no photographer, but, there is something that happens to me when I am behind the camera: I feel inspired and I feel as though I become part of something larger than ordinary life. Maybe I should take some courses to improve my skills, or maybe I should just continue not thinking and just snap away not worrying about the result.

    I do not remember where this particular photo was taken or why I even decided to take the shot. I see nothing except overgrown grass and darkness.  I wonder what my thoughts were at the time.  I wonder why I was standing in the midst of overgrown grass. Was I trying to take a picture of something that merely was hidden in the darkness past the power of my lens’ ability?

    Funny how often in life beyond the camera I do the same. I get caught up in trying to see into the darkness––instead of focusing on the overgrown grass I am in the midst of…

    Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

    ~Matthew 6:34

     

     

     

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    April 20, 2016
    christianity, faith, God, life, photography, trusting God

  • Fight the Fear

    As I look back at my last two posts, it may appear as though I am living in fear.  I am not. I mean, sometimes I think of the things of this world and am worried about raising kids in a world with such complex issues.  I get worked up over it all and threaten to pull my kids out of public schools if they institute co-ed bathrooms.  I am sure it will happen.  So yes, I do have some fear, but I fight it. I will continue to trust God. I will continue to remind myself it is better to think of these things as being wrong than to conform to the ways of this world.

    I was at a theological conference on Saturday and one of the speakers said something along the lines of this: “God has us here (the present state of the world) for a reason. It can be invigorating.”  God is in control of the situation.  Remember that. Another great quote, it was from Stonewall Jackson, was this: “Duty is ours, consequences are God’s.”

    So…God has us here for a reason.  He knows why we are here.  It is not our job to sit and try to figure out why.  It is our job (duty) to follow God’s will in our lives and not think of the consequences such as what people may think, how people may react, or what the outcome may be.

    The end.

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    April 19, 2016

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