I love this!
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That Gut Feeling…AKA God
My oldest has been sick since Friday night and I haven’t been out of the house for more than an hour and a half. I am not feeling content as a result. When I feel discontent, I begin looking for my next move in this game of life. I question what I should be doing…I many times over think it. Yesterday, my sister-in-law posted it was Triple Negative Breast Cancer Day. As I began deciding what to blog about today, I was reminded of this past year and beyond…and reminded to be patient and my next move will be given when it needs to be given.
A year ago (I believe it was exactly a year ago today) I quit my job as a nurse. I could list reasons why it made sense but truly it just felt like the right thing to do. I hesitated at first due to worrying about feeling empty and unproductive, because a huge part of what makes me me is my need to help people. I love taking care of people. I knew I would have my family to take care of, but being a nurse had been a part of me for fourteen years. Before becoming a nurse I was a nursing assistant and before that I spent time volunteering in a nursing home. That is over half my life.
A month after I quit, we received the news of my sister-in-law being diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer. My being home had a whole new meaning after her diagnosis. I soon learned why it felt so right to quit my job––and many other decisions my husband and I had made based on feeling right or wrong suddenly made sense.
The first house my husband and I lived in was a rental. The owners decided to move back into it, so we needed to move. We had a young child diagnosed with an eye disorder and although we did not want to stay in that area long term, there was a school in a nearby city that houses all the kids with special vision needs…so it felt right to stay there a little while longer until we knew how severe his condition was. We bought a short term house.
We soon realized Luke would need special services in school but he functioned well enough to attend school with the general population. Immediately we began thinking of where we would eventually end up. Nothing felt right. We entertained the idea of moving closer to his brother but we held off. The idea kept coming back to us and every time we went out there we liked the area more. Long story short, it soon felt like the right place to be. Finding a house out here was not easy. It is a desirable place to live and we found ourselves in bidding wars. No Fun. We took a break. Then we stumbled upon a house, our house. We put an offer on it and it was accepted. We were going to rent out our current house because the market was bad in the area but decided to try for one month to sell it. The first day it was on the market we had an offer we couldn’t refuse.
You see, we needed to be out here and God paved the way for us. He always does. There is a reason why things feel right and other things feel wrong. My grandma used to say, “The gut is usually smarter than the brain.” Those words ring more true the more I trust and listen to God.
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He Wept (a short blog for a short verse)
I know Jesus walked this earth. He lived and breathed just like us. When it comes to normal human emotions, it is sometimes hard to imagine Jesus feeling what we feel. But He did.
Jesus wept (John 11:35). I always pause after reading those two words. Think of a time when you were moved to tears, not from your own pain but from someone else’s pain. Jesus knew he could raise Lazarus, he could easily raise Lazarus. He didn’t weep from hopelessness, and that makes His tears much more powerful.
Feeling the pain of others always is powerful. I am one who frequently cries for other people. I feel a yearning to help even when I know I cannot. I cry tears of love mixed with tears of hopelessness for not being able to take their pain away. For Jesus though, it was just His love that moved Him to tears.
He lived for us. He wept for us. He died for us. All because of His love for us.
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Stir Crazy Momma!
I am becoming increasingly more stir crazy as this winter draws to an end. I am ready to see the green of the grass. I am ready to open the doors of the cage (our house) and allow my kids to run free outside. I am ready for cookouts and bonfires. I want to see my boys big smiles as they whiz down a slide at the park. I want to see their sugar buzz after an ice cream cone. I want to hear their laughter of watching their mommy do a cartwheel in the grass. I need this winter to end!
A couple weeks ago, we all had the stomach bug…that is always fun. Then Friday night, Luke began with a cough and it has developed into an upper respiratory infection. It begins all over again. So, no school today…or tomorrow because he has a fever as well…hopefully by Wednesday he can return. But then, Thursday is a half day and Friday they have no school. You know what that does to a five year old stir crazy kid who loves to stay busy? Yep. It makes him even more stir crazy. Let us not forget, my other son will more than likely be developing symptoms at any given moment. Oh the anticipation…
Right now, my kids are resting and I decided to blog…but all I want to do is dream of warm sunny days…
We are having a picnic in our backyard with the boys. The temperature is 76 degrees. White fluffy cumulus clouds fill the sky. No wind, the picnic blanket stays still as we eat peanut butter sandwiches––peanut butter and strawberry jelly for Matt and Luke. We stirred up a perfect pitcher of lemonade with just the right amount of sweetness and just the right amount of tartness. Ah, refreshing. After we are done eating, the boys run around and play without any fussing or fighting over a purple ball. Truly it is a whine free day. I pick up my book and read for a few minutes but decide to set my book down. I watch them play––listening to the laughter, and feeling the joy of a perfect summer day.
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Ready
The pulling won’t stop. It is leading me to follow but I keep yanking back. Why?
The fear of the unknown. The fear of thinking I am moving forward…only to find I am taking steps back. The fear.
Remember my faith. My feeling His love. My knowing He would never lead me astray.
No more resistance. No more doubt. I am ready to listen.
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My Rock(s)
In bible study, we are reading a book called Shaking Scripture by Mark Manning. It is an awesome book, the author does a great job at bringing you into the story and applying it to the present day. The chapter we read today was titled Removing Rocks and Grave clothes, it told the story of Lazarus being raised from the dead. Every chapter of this book has been enlightening but this chapter was my favorite. I highly recommend this book.
One of the discussion questions was, “Is there something you still struggle with when it comes to a “rock” that blocks your path to growing your faith?” Someone responded, “Something or somethings?” We all nodded and agreed. Isn’t that the truth. We all have things blocking us from growing our faith.
For me, I have a hard time listening to what God is telling me to do. I will feel the pulling and nagging for me to do something, but then the doubt sets in. Is he really asking me to do something…no He can’t be…am I over thinking again? Then, I will think I know the answer and questions arise and I am back at where I began. Questioning and doubt together hinder my growth.
It was a perfect subject for today being Ash Wednesday. I usually give up something every year, but I was struggling (as usual) with what to choose. Last year it was bread, the year before was chips, and the year before that was some other type of food. This year I wanted to give up something other than food. Now I know––I am giving up my biggest rock(s), questioning and doubt.
This will not be easy.
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Love Evolved Into Love
It was a chilly day in November and we had plans to go to Greenfield Village to eat at the Eagle Tavern, one of our favorite places. Matt wanted to take a walk before we went to the restaurant. It wasn’t exactly a great day to do so, but I agreed. We walked to the little chapel but the door was locked and we kept going. We walked toward the water and Matt sat me down on a bench. He proposed. I said yes.
That morning I had no clue how significant the day would be. I laugh at how Matt must of been scrambling to find another spot when he tried to pull the chapel doors open and they were locked. He didn’t show any sign of his failed plan, he just continued on keeping his cool. I think he knew our love was strong enough that no matter where we were, I would have been happy.
I do love it was there…and I love he knew I would love it. I have always liked everything about Greenfield Village, a place with historical buildings, houses, and such set up…a place you are taken back to simpler times. To me, there is nothing more enchanting.
I was very much in love with him that day. I knew he was the one. I knew, I never knew real love until he came into my life. The days leading up to our wedding brought us closer and by the day we were married, I loved him more. Years have gone by and with the years we have seen joy and sorrow. The joys of becoming parents––watching first smiles, first steps, and many other firsts. The stresses of parenthood as well––sleepless nights, the many sacrifices, the pain of learning our child has an eye disorder. There are friendships we have made and the ones we have maintained throughout the years, and other relationships that have strengthened us. We have lost loved ones, we have seen loved ones go through hard times, we have seen loved ones fall ill. We have grown, we have hurt, we have laughed, cried, and yelled. All of these things have brought us closer, a closeness I never imagined possible. I love him more today than yesterday, and I will love him even more ten years from now.
Our love has evolved into love, there is no other way to describe it.
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Trust
I think of a time when I was younger having to do a trust building exercise. The act of falling backward into other peoples arms––and the fear I felt not being able to see their arms stretched waiting to catch me. I closed my eyes, took a couple deep breaths and fell backwards, convinced I was going to hit the ground. But that isn’t what happened. I felt the arms of the group stop me from falling, my eyes opened, and there were smiling faces staring down at me.
That is how my life has been when I trust God. I fear, I get anxious over all the possible outcomes. Then when I finally I close my eyes and fall into His arms, I realize my burdens are never too heavy for Him to catch. It gets easier, the more I trust Him. I think less of my fear and anxiety, my eyes close quicker and I allow myself to fall harder, and with that I become lighter and lighter…
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My life does not feel ordinary…
There are moments when I feel too ordinary, but it never lasts long because I have reminders all around me. I had a moment this weekend, but my husband quickly pulled me out. He told me I was an extraordinary mother. I believe I am. I sacrifice a lot for my children and am happy to do so. He also told me I am a writer. I have a hard time with this title. I usually call myself a person who loves to write…but I write enough that I should feel confident to say I am a writer. So yes, I am a writer.
Despite my moments of doubt, which are usually few and far between, I feel as though I have more purpose now than ever before in my life. I am a stay at home mom and I feel I have more purpose now than when I worked as a nurse. It is funny to me. When I was younger, I would have never imagined being a stay at home mom.
I am truly blessed not to have to juggle work and home life. I do not not worry about someone else raising my kids. I think it shows. My kids are confident, secure little guys. I am not in any way knocking people who have to work…and there are children in daycare who are just as confident and secure as my kids are. But to me, the peace of mind I have in giving them the head start I want them to have is beautiful.
Like I said, I am blessed to be able to do so.
Our family life is very traditional…my husband works, I take care of the kids and keep the house up. It works for us. There are no blurred lines, things run smoothly because of it. My husband and I are equal, we just have different responsibilities. I am not ashamed to say––I strive to be a Proverbs 31 type of lady. At the end of my life, I will have less regret if I follow this path…
Proverbs 31:10-31
10 A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.Maybe my life is what many would call ordinary. But to me it is anything but ordinary.
Through the Stillness 