I know that my redeemer lives,
and that in the end He will stand on the earth.
And after my skin has been destroyed,
yet in my flesh I will see God;
I myself will see Him
with my own eyes—I, and not another.
How my heart yearns within me!
~Job 19:25-27
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I myself will see Him.
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Planting the Forgiveness Seed
I had to speak with my five year old about forgiveness. He is upset with two of his friends or now former friends in his class. Both reasons why he is upset with them would produce hurt feelings in anyone. I know though, I would have no one in my life if I didn’t learn to forgive. I want to teach my children early on no one is perfect and people hurt each other sometimes.
My Luke is a black and white thinker, so when I speak to him it works best if I am gentle, of course, but blunt. He is a get to the point and move on kind of person. Our conversation went like this:
Me: Luke, I really want you to think about forgiving A & B. You don’t have to be friends with anyone you don’t want to be but you should try to forgive them.
Luke: I don’t want to. They made me mad.
Me: I understand that, but haven’t I made you mad before? You still love me.
Luke: (silent)
Me: I’m not perfect, am I?
Luke: Yes.
Me: No. I am far from perfect and I know I have hurt your feelings before. No one is perfect.
Luke: Jesus is perfect. God is perfect.
Me: (very proud) Yes! You are absolutely right. We will never be perfect like Him, but we need to try to forgive people just as He forgives us for not being perfect.
Luke: I’ll think about it Mommy.
I know forgiveness is easier said than done but it has to start with trying. From personal experience, I know how freeing it is to forgive others. You cannot grow in life holding grudges. Encouraging my children to forgive others will hopefully give them more peace when life and relationships really get complicated.
I planted the seed…it is now up to Luke.
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Smiles
Being a parent is not always easy and it doesn’t always feel like the blessing it is. I don’t like when my kids suffer. I don’t handle those moments well sometimes. Even knowing life isn’t meant to be perfect, I wish I could take their pain, tears, and the bad moments away from them. I would take and endure all their hardships for them if I could––but I cannot. All I can do is pray and help equip them for all of life––the laughter and the tears.We recently bought them a playscape for the backyard. As you can see from the pictures they love it. I am sure the newness will wear off and it will become less magical. For now though, it has given them joy. Joy that helps them forget about any troubles they may have. Joy. When their eyes connect with mine and those smiles pull me into their very soul I am reminded of the beauty of parenting.
Those smiles are a gift from God I never want to take for granted.
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Which Voice is Louder?
It is a quarter after five on a chilly Sunday. I am alone in the house while the other members of the household are outside. These moments to myself are seldom as of late. What am I doing with my precious time? Well, I am blogging while drinking a decaf coffee because if I drink caffeine this late I will be up all night (I feel lame admitting that). Oh and let me not forget to mention my triple chocolate cookie I am eating. What can I say? I like to multitask.
I do not have much to blog about but today was a rainy day, it just recently stopped and I always feel like writing on days like this…
In church this morning the sermon was titled…I can’t quite remember…but it was something about who’s voice is louder in your ear? Is God’s voice or the world’s voice louder? I have been thinking about that all day. Really more thinking about the times in my life where I outright ignored God’s voice to do my own thing or to do what I thought was right. I never want to be that person again.
The end.
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Shining Light
I like the idea there is only one me in this world. I like the idea there is only one you in this world, as well. It saddens me when I see people struggling to accept themselves. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t equipped with the radar, with the ability to see through people’s acts. There are too many times when I want to whisper to them, “It is okay to be yourself. God made you to be unique.” I know it sounds a bit lame…so I have yet to actually say this to someone. Also, most would be offended if I did.I figured out a long time ago (and I figured out the hard way) accepting myself goes hand in hand with accepting others. When I focus on the ugly of others, I see more ugly in myself as well. It isn’t how I want to live. It isn’t easy and sometimes I have to search hard. It can be like searching for light through dense fog. The light is almost always there though. The beauty is almost always there. There are evil people in this world…I admit I cannot always find light and beauty in such. In most people though I can see through an action, a story of their past, and even through what a person doesn’t say or do. I see the reason and then I am humbled.
I am humbled and my roots become more grounded in Christ. The more grounded in Christ I become the more I feel His peace, the more I see my own beauty, the more I trust Him, and the more I follow His lead. It truly trickles down in every part of my life.
I pray for my kids, my husband, and all the people I love in this world…that when they lose their light I have the wisdom to say the right words or to do whatever it is they need to rekindle their light. I really pray for anyone who struggles to see their own light and beauty. Also for myself and the times I struggle. Lord, continue to use me and the gifts You have given me. I want my light to continue to shine and to become so bright that no one questions my faith and love for You.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your books were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. (Psalm 139: 14-16)
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Peace only He can give…rectified.
When it is my understanding of life and of God, which is constantly evolving, I want to be able to accurately reflect on where I came from and where I currently am. I constantly fight the urge to correct my misunderstandings by rewriting parts of my blog. I try to remind myself I will never, nor will anyone, ever know or understand everything fully about God. We should all accept this and continue to search for deeper understanding. Knowing my understanding of Him can always deepen is yet another proof of His love for us. He always wants us to draw nearer to Him and nearer to Him we can always become.
My last post was, Peace only He can give. I keep rereading it. When I wrote it, it made sense. Now though, there is an unsettling brewing inside of me over it. “When I am given His peace I try to hold on to it for as long as possible…but it always eventually escapes my grip.” Does it really escape my grip? If He is always with me then His peace doesn’t ‘escape’ my grip. The truth is I (in a sense) reject His peace, right? His peace is always available to us. So, those moments we don’t have His peace it is from outside forces that we allow to take His peace away.
I do realize I will not always feel his peace…I am human…but truly why do I not feel His peace all the time? His peace is readily available. This life has hardships and struggles and I will succumb to the effects of both. Much of the issue is me trying to control situations. If I would immediately go to Him would I have more peace in this life? Yes…absolutely. Will that happen 100% of the time? Nope. But it is something to always work on.
Philippians 4:6-7 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
His peace is always there for us.
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Pearls
As Mother’s Day approaches, I am taken back to when I was a little girl. I loved and looked forward to going to church on Mother’s Day. Entering the church, the greeters would give a flower to each lady. My mom would allow me to hold her flower during the sermon…and I longed for the day when I would have my own flower to hold.
I do not remember the exact age I received my first flower on Mother’s Day, but I remember it being the first time I truly felt honored to be a woman. I was not yet a mother, but it made me think of the type of mother and woman I wanted to be and to become––a nurturing, encouraging, and strong woman just like my mother and grandmothers were.
I feel blessed to have my mother and also my mother in law…and to have had my grandmothers and great grandmothers as well. These beautiful role models are a bit intimidating though. It is a lot to live up to because when I think of them, I cannot help but to see a lot of the Proverbs 31 woman in them all.
I read a devotion by Julia Bettencourt I absolutely fell in love with called Strands of Pearls. She says, a Proverbs 31 lady is like a strand of pearls. Each characteristic is a separate pearl on the strand of life. No one immediately has the all of the strand. You have to work at it.
Here is a list from her devotion of the ‘pearls’ or characteristics of the Proverbs 31 lady:
Virtue
Faithfulness
Reverence
Goodness
Willing worker
Good manager
Industrious
Strength
Endurance
Well rounded
Charitable
Provider
Well dressed
Wife of a good husband
Good businesswoman
Honorable
Wise
Kind
Good mother
Busy
Praiseworthy
Attains or excels
Fear of the Lord
And fruit bearing
It is a long list, isn’t it?
In my life, some of the pearls come natural to me, some I will always strive to obtain, and some I will struggle to keep on my strand. But I now realize even my mother figures have to and had to work on their pearls. It is less intimidating than before when I think of it this way.
So what are some of the things we do and can do to take the thread in our hands and strand our pearls as we go through life? Of course, read the bible and pray. We can look for wisdom from our Christian female role models (our mother figures), and we can gather strength and understanding from our friendships with other Christian women. All of these will make us the strong Christian women we all hope to be and to remain.
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That Cross
It is bedtime. I am tired and ready for Oliver to be fast asleep already. The problem is he had a nap. When he takes a nap he cannot fall asleep at night––easily that is. My tired self has to put in the extra effort to get him to bed. I read him books, I lay with him, and then I leave knowing he will get up again.
Minutes later he is on my lap in the family room. I let him sit with me for a while but then try again before I fall asleep myself. I carry Oliver into his room and then turn the light off. As I am putting him in his bed, he points to his window and says, “Look Mommy, there’s a cross. When you turn the light off it makes a cross.” Sure enough there it is. The outline from his window frame shows through his curtain as a large perfect cross.
Oliver then says, “Mommy, Jesus got sick on that cross.” He places his sweet little head on his pillow and rolls over to face his wall.
I sit on the edge of his bed staring at the ‘cross’ my two (almost 3) year old pointed out to me. I don’t know how long I sit there in awe. I keep thinking, because of that cross…that cross means everything…that cross…until Oliver rolls over, looks at me and says, “You can go now, Mommy.”
I chuckle and leave his room but my thoughts of that cross linger. That cross…what else is there to say?
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The Ending
It was a warm October night, the kind of autumn night that is entrancing. I sat on my porch steps waiting for my friend to pick me up. I remember exactly how the warm breeze felt, the way the leaves twirled in the air, and the faint smell of distant burning leaves. I could have sat there all night thinking of nothing at all and feeling a peace I did not feel very often at the age of seventeen. If I would have known how the night would end, I would have stayed. I would have never left my porch.
Breana arrived and I turned into my normal teenage self again. The place we were going was a dead end road (which is pretty ironic) with water on one side and fields on the other. I was excited to be outside on such a beautiful night, so my mood was light and I had a good time. In fact, we all had such a good time that we lost track of time. As soon as we realized we were going to be late for curfew we said our goodbyes and drove off.
The details of this next part are very important. The road was a very windy road, it was the kind of road you truly could not speed on, unless you were crazy. We were two girls, so if she had tried to drive too fast, me being the mother hen that I was would have yelled at her to slow down…because the road was already scary enough. Like I said, it was a windy road and it was dark because there were no streetlights. The next important detail was this: I did not wear a seatbelt before that night…unless I was in the car with an adult who had to remind me to put it on. So we were driving down the road without seat belts. This where my memory gets a little foggy. I struggle with the explanation of what it was…a whisper in my ear or a gut feeling? I don’t know. All I know is the whisper or feeling told me to put my seatbelt on. So I did. As soon as the seatbelt clicked, the car flipped…and flipped…and flipped…
Everything was in slow motion. Breana and I turned our heads to look at each other, both of us raising our hands, not fully understanding what was happening. I blanked out after that. The next thing I remember is sitting in the car and looking over to the empty driver’s seat. Where was Breana? It took a moment to get my bearings before I remembered the accident. I got out of the car and all I could see was darkness. No road, no lights, and no Breana. I found her laying on the ground. I helped her up and I started running but realized I was running in the wrong direction, I must have been a little disoriented, but didn’t realize I was. We ran toward the road and a car stopped to help. They drove us back to our friends, and then our friends drove us to the hospital.
Breana fractured her back and I lucked out and just needed stitches on the top of my head. The police investigated the site and told us they don’t know how we didn’t get more hurt. They explained with the way the car flipped so many times, if I had not had my seatbelt on, I would have been thrown out and more than likely the car would have landed on me.
I have wanted to write about this for a while, but I have always hesitated…all because of the ending. I almost wanted to make up the ending at times because I was ashamed, I guess. I will start with telling you how it should have ended. It should have ended with me thanking God for sparing mine and Breana’s life that night. I should have learned a very valuable lesson that night. I should have turned back to Him and never turned back away ever again. But I didn’t.
Instead, I continued living for myself. I was never a horrible person but I continued on with my selfish ways knowing better. I always knew better. I took a lot for granted in my younger years, especially when it came to God. He never left me, though. He was patient and loving when I probably didn’t deserve it. He never gave up on me.
Sometimes when I look at the cross, I remember my old self. I remember how I could have died. I remember no matter how hardheaded I was or how selfish I remained, Jesus still died for me. All the things in my past have brought me to where I am today so I am fully okay with the ending now. God knew all along where I would end up.
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Love is Sharing
If I am going to lead the life God wants me to then I cannot please everyone…nor should I try. I have spent my life wanting to lift people up and not knock them down. Sometimes that leads me to walking on eggshells around people. I don’t like anyone feeling bad, but I shouldn’t have to tread lightly when it comes to my beliefs. Aren’t christians supposed to be loving? Yes we are. We are supposed to show our love by sharing God’s word…because ultimately if you love someone then you want them saved.
Love means more than just being nice. Part of me loving my kids is pointing out when they do something wrong. They may not feel I am being nice when I tell them they cannot be on the iPad all day, but because I love them I teach them there is more to life than screens. Sometimes showing my love is harder than not showing it. My life would be a lot easier if I let my kids watch television and play the iPad all day. It is harder to set aside my wants and conveniences to sit down with them to play the board game Sorry for the ten millionth time, but I do because I love them.
In bible study someone said, “What if you knew tomorrow was the end of the world?” Well, I would not feel self conscious sharing my love of Christ with unbelievers, that is for sure. I would not think about checking in to Facebook…unless it was to share my faith one last time. I wouldn’t search for my phone unless it was to call someone and share my faith. I would want to plead with people to turn to God and repent…just as the bible says to do. I would not think twice about what people think of me and my beliefs that I share…some probably think I share too much…but how can it ever be too much? I am blessed that God’s grace saved me and because of my love I want to share it with the world.
Why don’t more believers share their faith openly? Why do people feel they need to keep it a secret? We don’t want to push people away. Maybe some people will be pushed away, but that is their choice to reject. We are instructed to share God’s words. We are not instructed to share God’s words just with people who we think will listen. What is the point in that?
We are not guaranteed that tomorrow will come. So––what if your words help to save one more person?
Through the Stillness 