Category: christianity

Best Delivery Ever!
I have just had a rough day today. I can’t or don’t even want to explain it. There is so much on my mind and just too much going on that has worn me down. (Insert crazy face.) I don’t even know. I hate complaining and I hate talking about these things. Sometimes I feel I don’t have the right person to talk to. I have people that I trust…but sometimes I don’t want to burden them.

I went to bible study this morning and usually that gives me peace. Not today. No, all I wanted to do is leave. I never feel that way.

Then, there’s the kid who is having a rough time adjusting to summer. I truly think I need to make a schedule for him. Maybe that would give him the sense of order he needs. He gets himself in trouble. He doesn’t act like himself when there is any change. I guess that is something I will always struggle with when it comes to him because I am the complete opposite. I can adapt to change like a champ. Maybe I need to start meeting him in the middle more.

I feel like lately I have been saying, “Ugh life!” way too often. You know, this happened to this person and that is happening to that person is all I keep hearing. I know it will all pass. It is just it feels like it all happens at the same time!

So, I ordered new shoe racks and they arrived today. Exciting isn’t it? The boys always love playing with boxes like all kids do. Today they played delivery man. First up was Luke hiding in the box, then Oliver, and then crayons. When they told me I had one last delivery, I figured it would be something like dirty socks or something. They assured me it would be the best delivery ever. It really was the best delivery ever––my bible. Needless to say, my mood changed instantly.

Life is going to be life. Things get rough, busy, overwhelming, sad, irritating, and so on. But then we get these little moments that remind us of the best delivery ever. We don’t even need to pay for this delivery, well maybe you do need to pay for a bible…it isn’t ok to steal. But what is free is his love. He is always there for us and His word is always there to turn to.
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July 1, 2016

christianity, faith, God, life
Clean, not tidy. Balance, not perfection.
I’m a bit behind on laundry. Well, actually I am more than a bit behind. I’m more like four loads behind. But, we have clean towels. Matt has clean work clothes and the rest of our closets have plenty to choose from as well. Maybe it means we just have too many clothes. Or it means…and it means (?) I have better things to do.

Yesterday the boys and I picked up the house. It was clean, not super tidy, just clean. Then we went to the park. I watched them play at the playground and then we went exploring in the woods. Luke wanted to find something unusual. We ended up getting a little lost (because I’m me). On our adventure we found a creaky tree. Like literally it was creaky. I was waiting for it to fall over or something. We also heard another very unusual noise further down the trail. I still cannot figure out what it was. The boys got scared and clung to me and it took all I had to keep my giggles contained.

Today, Luke was a bit under the weather. I set Oliver up with a movie and I sat with Luke because he didn’t want to be alone. My house is clean, not super tidy, just clean. Maybe since I am a stay at home mom, I should keep things cleaner than I do. But then, I cannot. Tidiness makes me anxious.

I like balance, not perfection.

I like to go to bed at night knowing I chose to spend time with my family. I love to make memories. I believe you can raise responsible kids and show them there are more important things than having everything in order all the time. I don’t want my kids to get anxious when life is out of order. To me, that is no way to live.

My kids do chores. They see our house clean and they see our house not so clean. They help me make dinner and they have a dance party with me in the kitchen at the same time. Our neighbors may look through the windows thinking were nuts, but I don’t care. Because we also read, do homework, pray together, talk, clean, build, do yard work, run, make messes, and then clean up all over again. I know my way of life is not for everyone, but it’s definitely for me!
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June 29, 2016

christianity, Family, life, love, parenting, peace
Rambling at its finest.
Today is the fourth day of VBS. I’m kinda exhausted, my brain is overloaded, but I feel so blessed to be a part of it. Someone told me a story today and it made me realize how big VBS can be in someone’s life. I mean, I already knew…but it is encouraging to hear that all the hard work is worth it and can truly impact someone’s entire life.

God places people in you life. Those God moments you have with these people can be almost unbelievable. I had a friend who’s had a tough week. I just tried to show her some love and encouragement so I wrote her a little note in a card this morning. About ten minutes after, she called me to thank me for always being so sweet. I didn’t tell her about the note on the phone. When I saw her this morning, I gave her the card and told her that I actually wrote the note before she called me. Her response was, “That’s creepy!” We laughed because it is in the best possible way.

I don’t know really why I am even blogging about any of this. I guess this rambling confirms what an awesome God we have.

My parents were in town too. I asked them to make sure not to come to town during VBS week. It is just too much. I come home and want to prepare for the next day. Plus my kids are tired from all the fun. But also, I just get sad when my parents leave. They left this morning. I just wish they lived closer.

Life. I get weighed down when those I care about are struggling. And, I don’t see how people get through this life without the hope He brings.

I can’t get the VBS songs out of my head. My kids and I have been singing them all week. Praise ye the Lord!
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June 23, 2016
Father’s Day
I was once told I was my husband’s cheerleader. I never thought of it that way before, but I guess I am.

Matt is a man, not a boy, and I love him for being a man. I have his back and I am proud of all he does. I don’t ever want him to forget what a great person he is.

We have built a beautiful life together.

He is a great dad. His priorities are straight. I love how he chooses our boys over other things. I don’t have to worry because he is there. He is present. He wants to be involved in the little decisions and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

My boys are lucky because they have the best dad in the world. I’m lucky too and I thank God for him each and every day.

The end.
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June 18, 2016
Imperfect
I strive to show my kids mercy and grace. I encourage them to show themselves mercy and grace as well. I do not expect perfection from them. I only expect the effort of improvement.

I think we are all born with things that give us strength and also with things we will always need to work on. Luke is a great kid with many characteristics I admire. But, he also has moments that make me want to hide under a rock. He is blunt and comes across as rude and aloof many times. He blurts things out without thinking. Sometimes it is funny, other times not so much. He knows he does this and he tries not to. This will always be the thing, socially, he will struggle with.

Oliver, is more emotional. He gets embarrassed very easily. He gets mad at people. But, he also has a joy that brings a lightness wherever he goes. I guess my point is that no one is perfect. We all have imperfections and there are no one’s imperfections that are better than others. You know what I mean?
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June 17, 2016
I am weak and that is okay.
Something happened and I can find no meaning and absolutely no good in it. I struggle when I cannot find peace in a situation. When there is seemingly nothing I can do to help I ache. I feel broken. I feel weak. I know to turn to prayer. The part I struggle with and always need to remind myself is that sometimes all I can do is pray. I cannot help in every situation. I am not meant to.

Suicide, is on my mind. I cannot help but to think it may be one of the saddest things in this world. I also cannot help but to think the pressure to always be strong is to blame. We worship strength in this world. Those who push the limits and never succumb to weakness are seen as great. Those who, when faced with trials, keep their heads held high and refuse to fall are the ones we admire.

People feel ashamed for not being able to handle things on their own. Well, guess what? We are wrong to want to always be strong. I am not saying we shouldn’t push through difficult situations. No, sometimes we have to in order to survive. What I am saying is, it is okay to embrace your weaknesses. Maybe that is where real strength is found. It is okay to say you can’t do it on your own. It is okay to need help.

People get trapped in their darkness. They feel there is no way out. We can easily say, we would never do it. But then, we have never been in their shoes. We don’t really talk about suicide because we don’t know what to say. We may state our opinions but that usually does nothing to help. We have no idea. I have no idea. I’m not saying I could have prevented the recent suicide I am speaking of. No, unfortunately I could not have because I had no idea the struggle this person was going through. But, what if we talked about the real issue? What if we broke this mindset of having to hold our own?

I don’t think we need to announce our weaknesses to the world. Some people don’t like talking about the things that bother them the most, I know I don’t. But, what if we started by just admitting them to ourselves and to God? I think He could work in us and through us more if we did. I bet we would be able to sympathize with others more. I bet we’d stop judging others for their weaknesses. I bet we’d offer more help and accept more help from God and from those God places in our lives.

The end.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” —2 Corinthians 12:9-10
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June 15, 2016
A Bit Broken
I think of many sad, horrible, and uncontrollable situations I have seen in my lifetime. Although they sadden me and I see how the struggles have changed the person to the core–– I see how they brought families closer, deepened faith, increased awareness, and so on. I can at least see a little good, even if it is just a smidgen. I believe a smidgen of good can leave an everlasting positive effect in this world.

There are a few things I find no meaning and absolutely no good in. I have not been forced to face any of these in a family member or close friend, until last night…

I put the kids to bed and I grabbed my phone to plug it in and noticed I had missed a phone call from an out of state relative. I knew it had to be bad news. I listened to the message and her shaky voice confirmed my suspicions. “Stacy, call me back. I have bad news.” I automatically assumed it was my uncle. He is at that age where it wouldn’t surprise me. I stepped outside, took a few deep breaths, and called her.

Her voice was the same familiar voice but it was different also. There has always been an undeniable strength in her voice. She is one of the strongest people I have ever known. It is funny, because my best friend is so much…almost too much like my aunt. As soon as she started speaking I felt her brokenness.

There is something catastrophic about when a strong person breaks. I think we depend on the strong people in our lives to always remain that way. But, there are things in this life that even the strongest cannot survive.

It wasn’t my uncle. It was my cousin. “He’s dead,” she said. She told me it happened a couple weeks ago. I knew he had health issues, but I was shocked. I was more shocked she was just now telling me. I asked about the funeral. She told me they didn’t have any service. She then told me in depth about his health issues. Then she said, “I guess he just got tired of it all and killed himself.” I didn’t press for details. I just listened. She said if I didn’t hear from her for a while to understand. She asked me to write her and keep in touch though. Then she asked me to tell the rest of the family.

He was in his late forties. I don’t know why I somehow associated suicide with teenagers. As if, we become adults and are supposed to just endure this life with our heads held high. I know when teens commit suicide they have their entire lives ahead of them and it is awful and the thought of losing a teenage child this way disturbs me to the core. But adults, when they lose hope and fall into darkness, it disturbs me to the core just as much…maybe even more? I don’t know.

My aunt said that this was going to kill her and my uncle. They are broken. At their age, I bet they don’t have the strength to fight it. I don’t know if I could. I am struggling with this. I cannot find any good. I feel a bit broken right now too.
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June 11, 2016
The Things That Make Us Weird
Some may think I’m weird for caring so much about trees. It is just that––I see them as part of God’s artwork. I see how God intricately wove them, just as he did with you and I. Each tree has its own unique beauty.

Uniqueness has a way of calming me.

One never knows by looking at a seed, how it will turn out. We plant and we wait. We can guess and we can try to manipulate a bit. The thing is, nature has a way of following God’s plan better than us human’s do.

It is funny and weird, but I like the way the leaves sound on a windy day. I like looking at the shoots and branches and how they grow and have little control. It somehow pulls me into the moment. It reminds me to stop thinking and just be. It reminds me of who is really in control.

Yesterday, we had our trees trimmed. I was devastated when I found they completely cut one of the shoots. I actually almost cried. They destroyed the most unique part of this tree. The shoot shot out in a curve and covered part of the driveway like a canopy and now it is gone. I’m no idiot, I understand the reasoning. Still, it makes me sad.

Maybe it goes to show and reinforce the type of person I am. I used the example of plastic surgery to my husband. What if I went under the knife and changed what made me unique? My husband listened (really listened) to my rambling and I love him for that. I love he cares about and accepts my weirdness. I don’t want to look or be like everyone else. I know you are probably laughing at me right now. It is a stinking tree, for goodness sake.

I like the things that make us weird.

I will get used to the tree once again. I will see the benefits eventually. It will darken and blend in with the tree, just as we change and blend in with the world. I hope I never fully forget what used to set this tree apart. Just as, I hope you never forget what sets you apart…
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June 8, 2016

christianity, control, faith, life, peace
Who’s Teaching Who?
I opened Oliver’s car door, unstrapped his carseat belt, and he climbed out. As soon as his feet hit the sidewalk he glanced up waiting for my nod and off he went. He ran toward the playground and I swear I could feel his joy. In those moments time slows down. I try to savor them because I know before long my kids will be older and playgrounds will lose their magic. They will lose some of themselves to this world as well, no matter how hard I try to encourage them not to. We all lose some of ourselves to this world.

I sat and watched Oliver climb and jump and run. His wild imagination took him to some faraway land. There were no other kids and so he entertained himself until another kid, a girl, showed up. Their eyes met, they smiled, and they immediately started playing. It was that simple.

The pressures of the world have pulled us ‘adults’ away from what really matters. What if we lived our lives like kids do at playgrounds?

The way Oliver and this little girl met–they felt safe and free to be themselves in an instant. They didn’t judge each other. They didn’t care who lived in a bigger house…who had a higher degree…they just looked at each other and decided to spend a moment of their lives together. They didn’t expect anything from each other except attention and a few smiles and laughs.

Before we left the park a dad and his kid showed up. The dad looked at me and asked how old my kids were. He assumed Oliver and this little girl were siblings with how they played. Yep. How much would change if we saw more people as our brothers and sisters?

It’s funny how we grow up and spend so much time teaching our kids, when really there is so much we should be learning from them.
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June 3, 2016

christianity, Family, life, parenting
It is never easy.
Luke has been asking to take piano lessons. We had a few things going on and said this spring/summer we would get him started. I decided to start looking a couple weeks ago. Oh, but wait. With his eye disorder he will require more energy than just picking up the phone and setting up a lesson. So the search began to find someone with at least a little experience with someone with special needs. Especially at first to get him acquainted with the basics.

Today, I finally found a piano instructor. I spoke with her over the phone and it took all I had not to cry happy tears. He has his first lesson next week. She had so much excitement in her voice, true excitement, so I know it is a good fit. I cannot tell you how much weight is now off my shoulders.

It is never easy when you have a kid with special needs. I am not writing this looking for sympathy. I just don’t think people are aware of how hard it is. Constant worry and researching. Making sure his IEP is being followed through. Building his confidence. Loving him but trying not to baby him too much. I know in many ways we have babied him too much and now we are trying to reverse that a bit. It is so hard. I just want the best for him. I just want him to have a good life. Deep down I know he will. He is a strong person with a sometimes too strong personality.

My Luke has a limitless way of thinking and living. He wants to try it all. I want him to try it all. I don’t want any of his struggles to slow him down. But, not everyone is able to accommodate him. It doesn’t seem fair. But then, it isn’t fair to expect others to step up and make extra effort for one kid. But, I so want them to. But, not everyone is equipped for that.

It always takes more effort, which of course I am willing to give. I have to worry about showing my youngest attention as well. We do a lot more for Luke and I don’t ever want Oliver to feel left out. From what I have heard it is inevitable. He will feel we do more for Luke because we will always have to do more for Luke. It is a sad reality we as a family have to deal with and make the best of.

I know there are people who have children with greater needs than Luke. I know I am blessed in many ways. Still, it is never easy.
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May 17, 2016

Family, life, ocular albinism, parenting