Tag: life

I Watched You.
Yesterday afternoon I watched as you walked up from Golf Camp. You had a dramatic look on your face, much like the many dramatic facial expressions I too have. You were the only kid not carrying your golf bag. I’m sure because you somehow talked someone else into carrying it for you. I watched as you told the person, “Okay, you can give it to me now.” I watched as you walked up to me and sighed, “Why couldn’t they just let us take a golf cart.” One of the coaches was watching you too and he chuckled. It was in that moment I realized I don’t watch you enough.

I get caught up in parenting. I love you and you are such a blessing. But our biggest blessings carry with them responsibility, worry, work, and so much more. I worry more about you because of your Ocular Albinism. I know I sometimes worry too much. I know because when I pull (or yank) myself out of being your mom and just watch––I see that you are going to be okay.

I watched you last night during wrestling. You are so witty and sarcastic. You had everyone in the room laughing––the kids, the coach, and the parents.

I watched you after wrestling as we left. You caught up with your friend. You two talked like grown-ups and us parents watched and laughed. You like to relate to people just as I do. You are not big on small talk. Kid, I’m not either.

I watched you this morning as you dug through your golf bag looking for something. You were acting like a grumpy old man. Oh boy, you are stuck in your ways. You are a very strong-willed child. I read somewhere that the most strong-willed children usually become the most independent in life. I need to remind myself of that more often.

I will never stop being your parent. I will never stop worrying about you. I will never stop trying to point you in the right direction. I will never stop trying to encourage you to be the best person possible.

I want you to know hard work pays off. I want you to be accountable for your actions. I want you to have fun in life too. I want so much for you because you deserve it.

I will never be a perfect parent. I realize that is okay. I promise to never stop trying, though. I also promise to stop and just watch you more. You are an awesome kid and I am so very proud of you. Happy Birthday, Luke. I cannot believe you are seven years old today.
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July 12, 2016

christianity, Family, life, love, ocular albinism, parenting
The ripples we cause.
Yesterday my boys were arguing, which has become the new norm here. “Life would be much easier if everyone did things just the way I prefer” mentality has been running rampant in this house. Lecturing hasn’t worked and even discipline has been pretty ineffective.

So, I was desperate…

We were at a park and decided to walk by the water and then go on the trails. I thought maybe the water would have a calming effect on them like it does me. I glanced down and saw some gravel. I had a silly idea and decided to go with it.

“Hey boys, pick up some rocks and let’s go by the water for a minute.”

They happily picked up as many as their hands could hold. We knelt down by the water and I took a deep breath. I explained to them how our words and our actions have the ability to impact others. I told them to watch as I threw a rock in. “See the ripples? Now take one rock and pretend it is a mean word or action. Those ripples can impact a lot of people, can’t they?” Their eyes got big. I was actually surprised it worked. So I went on.

“Now, take another rock and pretend it is a nice word or action. They cause ripples too!” Luke grabbed a rock and said, “This is an I love you rock.” He watched the ripples. Oliver did the same. They practiced other nice words and actions and we talked about the impact each could cause.

Today when they got into another argument, all I had to say was, “What kind of ripples are you causing?”

Next time we go to the park I’m sure they will want to throw more rocks in the water. I pray it becomes a thing and they will be reminded each time they see water. Maybe even one day they will have the same moment with their own kids. I can almost hear their grown up voices saying to their children, “What kind of ripples are you causing?”
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July 7, 2016

christianity, Family, life, parenting, peace, photography
Best Delivery Ever!
I have just had a rough day today. I can’t or don’t even want to explain it. There is so much on my mind and just too much going on that has worn me down. (Insert crazy face.) I don’t even know. I hate complaining and I hate talking about these things. Sometimes I feel I don’t have the right person to talk to. I have people that I trust…but sometimes I don’t want to burden them.

I went to bible study this morning and usually that gives me peace. Not today. No, all I wanted to do is leave. I never feel that way.

Then, there’s the kid who is having a rough time adjusting to summer. I truly think I need to make a schedule for him. Maybe that would give him the sense of order he needs. He gets himself in trouble. He doesn’t act like himself when there is any change. I guess that is something I will always struggle with when it comes to him because I am the complete opposite. I can adapt to change like a champ. Maybe I need to start meeting him in the middle more.

I feel like lately I have been saying, “Ugh life!” way too often. You know, this happened to this person and that is happening to that person is all I keep hearing. I know it will all pass. It is just it feels like it all happens at the same time!

So, I ordered new shoe racks and they arrived today. Exciting isn’t it? The boys always love playing with boxes like all kids do. Today they played delivery man. First up was Luke hiding in the box, then Oliver, and then crayons. When they told me I had one last delivery, I figured it would be something like dirty socks or something. They assured me it would be the best delivery ever. It really was the best delivery ever––my bible. Needless to say, my mood changed instantly.

Life is going to be life. Things get rough, busy, overwhelming, sad, irritating, and so on. But then we get these little moments that remind us of the best delivery ever. We don’t even need to pay for this delivery, well maybe you do need to pay for a bible…it isn’t ok to steal. But what is free is his love. He is always there for us and His word is always there to turn to.
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July 1, 2016

christianity, faith, God, life
Clean, not tidy. Balance, not perfection.
I’m a bit behind on laundry. Well, actually I am more than a bit behind. I’m more like four loads behind. But, we have clean towels. Matt has clean work clothes and the rest of our closets have plenty to choose from as well. Maybe it means we just have too many clothes. Or it means…and it means (?) I have better things to do.

Yesterday the boys and I picked up the house. It was clean, not super tidy, just clean. Then we went to the park. I watched them play at the playground and then we went exploring in the woods. Luke wanted to find something unusual. We ended up getting a little lost (because I’m me). On our adventure we found a creaky tree. Like literally it was creaky. I was waiting for it to fall over or something. We also heard another very unusual noise further down the trail. I still cannot figure out what it was. The boys got scared and clung to me and it took all I had to keep my giggles contained.

Today, Luke was a bit under the weather. I set Oliver up with a movie and I sat with Luke because he didn’t want to be alone. My house is clean, not super tidy, just clean. Maybe since I am a stay at home mom, I should keep things cleaner than I do. But then, I cannot. Tidiness makes me anxious.

I like balance, not perfection.

I like to go to bed at night knowing I chose to spend time with my family. I love to make memories. I believe you can raise responsible kids and show them there are more important things than having everything in order all the time. I don’t want my kids to get anxious when life is out of order. To me, that is no way to live.

My kids do chores. They see our house clean and they see our house not so clean. They help me make dinner and they have a dance party with me in the kitchen at the same time. Our neighbors may look through the windows thinking were nuts, but I don’t care. Because we also read, do homework, pray together, talk, clean, build, do yard work, run, make messes, and then clean up all over again. I know my way of life is not for everyone, but it’s definitely for me!
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June 29, 2016

christianity, Family, life, love, parenting, peace
The Things That Make Us Weird
Some may think I’m weird for caring so much about trees. It is just that––I see them as part of God’s artwork. I see how God intricately wove them, just as he did with you and I. Each tree has its own unique beauty.

Uniqueness has a way of calming me.

One never knows by looking at a seed, how it will turn out. We plant and we wait. We can guess and we can try to manipulate a bit. The thing is, nature has a way of following God’s plan better than us human’s do.

It is funny and weird, but I like the way the leaves sound on a windy day. I like looking at the shoots and branches and how they grow and have little control. It somehow pulls me into the moment. It reminds me to stop thinking and just be. It reminds me of who is really in control.

Yesterday, we had our trees trimmed. I was devastated when I found they completely cut one of the shoots. I actually almost cried. They destroyed the most unique part of this tree. The shoot shot out in a curve and covered part of the driveway like a canopy and now it is gone. I’m no idiot, I understand the reasoning. Still, it makes me sad.

Maybe it goes to show and reinforce the type of person I am. I used the example of plastic surgery to my husband. What if I went under the knife and changed what made me unique? My husband listened (really listened) to my rambling and I love him for that. I love he cares about and accepts my weirdness. I don’t want to look or be like everyone else. I know you are probably laughing at me right now. It is a stinking tree, for goodness sake.

I like the things that make us weird.

I will get used to the tree once again. I will see the benefits eventually. It will darken and blend in with the tree, just as we change and blend in with the world. I hope I never fully forget what used to set this tree apart. Just as, I hope you never forget what sets you apart…
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June 8, 2016

christianity, control, faith, life, peace
Who’s Teaching Who?
I opened Oliver’s car door, unstrapped his carseat belt, and he climbed out. As soon as his feet hit the sidewalk he glanced up waiting for my nod and off he went. He ran toward the playground and I swear I could feel his joy. In those moments time slows down. I try to savor them because I know before long my kids will be older and playgrounds will lose their magic. They will lose some of themselves to this world as well, no matter how hard I try to encourage them not to. We all lose some of ourselves to this world.

I sat and watched Oliver climb and jump and run. His wild imagination took him to some faraway land. There were no other kids and so he entertained himself until another kid, a girl, showed up. Their eyes met, they smiled, and they immediately started playing. It was that simple.

The pressures of the world have pulled us ‘adults’ away from what really matters. What if we lived our lives like kids do at playgrounds?

The way Oliver and this little girl met–they felt safe and free to be themselves in an instant. They didn’t judge each other. They didn’t care who lived in a bigger house…who had a higher degree…they just looked at each other and decided to spend a moment of their lives together. They didn’t expect anything from each other except attention and a few smiles and laughs.

Before we left the park a dad and his kid showed up. The dad looked at me and asked how old my kids were. He assumed Oliver and this little girl were siblings with how they played. Yep. How much would change if we saw more people as our brothers and sisters?

It’s funny how we grow up and spend so much time teaching our kids, when really there is so much we should be learning from them.
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June 3, 2016

christianity, Family, life, parenting
It is never easy.
Luke has been asking to take piano lessons. We had a few things going on and said this spring/summer we would get him started. I decided to start looking a couple weeks ago. Oh, but wait. With his eye disorder he will require more energy than just picking up the phone and setting up a lesson. So the search began to find someone with at least a little experience with someone with special needs. Especially at first to get him acquainted with the basics.

Today, I finally found a piano instructor. I spoke with her over the phone and it took all I had not to cry happy tears. He has his first lesson next week. She had so much excitement in her voice, true excitement, so I know it is a good fit. I cannot tell you how much weight is now off my shoulders.

It is never easy when you have a kid with special needs. I am not writing this looking for sympathy. I just don’t think people are aware of how hard it is. Constant worry and researching. Making sure his IEP is being followed through. Building his confidence. Loving him but trying not to baby him too much. I know in many ways we have babied him too much and now we are trying to reverse that a bit. It is so hard. I just want the best for him. I just want him to have a good life. Deep down I know he will. He is a strong person with a sometimes too strong personality.

My Luke has a limitless way of thinking and living. He wants to try it all. I want him to try it all. I don’t want any of his struggles to slow him down. But, not everyone is able to accommodate him. It doesn’t seem fair. But then, it isn’t fair to expect others to step up and make extra effort for one kid. But, I so want them to. But, not everyone is equipped for that.

It always takes more effort, which of course I am willing to give. I have to worry about showing my youngest attention as well. We do a lot more for Luke and I don’t ever want Oliver to feel left out. From what I have heard it is inevitable. He will feel we do more for Luke because we will always have to do more for Luke. It is a sad reality we as a family have to deal with and make the best of.

I know there are people who have children with greater needs than Luke. I know I am blessed in many ways. Still, it is never easy.
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May 17, 2016

Family, life, ocular albinism, parenting
Be Still
A few weeks ago someone I consider close said something hurtful to me. I cannot stop thinking about it. It was one of those things the more I think about it, the more it bothers me.

Be still…

My grandpa had a quintuple bypass surgery. I’ve been so scared to lose him. I am not ready for that.

Be still…

I feel our lives have been so busy. We can’t get caught up on the little things.

Be still…

I am not sure why, maybe from busyness, there’s a loneliness creeping in.

Be still…

I know not everyone will agree, but there seems to be so many changes in the world and I don’t like them.

Be still…

So many I know and love are hurting.

Be Still…

(The list goes on and on.)

But then, I think of my kids and how much they mean to me.

There’s the stillness…

Their faces lit up when their dad, my husband pulled into the driveway.

There’s the stillness…

I hear my husband’s laugh.

There’s the stillness…

Our nighttime routine, our family prayers, our ever-growing traditions, our love.

There’s the stillness

I look and see my completely marked up (falling apart) bible.

There’s the stillness…

My knowing when I’m scared, or when someone is hurtful toward me, when life gets crazy, or when I worry about loved ones, when I miss loved ones, or when Satan tries pulling me down I know where to turn. I know because He whispers to me…

Be still and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10)
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May 13, 2016

christianity, faith, Family, Jesus, life, love, praying, trusting God
Reminder
This morning was one of those not so fun mornings all parents experience. I woke up realizing today was the day Luke needed his costume for a Spanish video. I thought I had another day to find the top. I felt horrible! (I did end up finding it.) Then, Oliver colored his entire body with marker to get into whatever character he was trying to be and of course we all needed to get ready and so on. Five minutes before Luke needed to be at the bus stop, he opened up his art kit. I told him he needed to get out the door and he wouldn’t listen. Anyway, he came over to me with a marker, grabbed my hand and did this. “Mommy, I think you need this reminder today.” He gave me a hug and left for school.

Life will never be perfect and we will never be perfect. In those not so great moments we need to take a deep breath and remember His love and sacrifice on the cross. Thanks for the reminder, Luke!
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May 4, 2016

christianity, cross, faith, Family, God, Jesus, life, love
Overgrown Grass
One of my favorite things to do is look at pictures. My fondest memory consists of sitting on the floor at my great grandma’s house and going through photo albums. It was what I looked forward to the most when we went for a visit. I loved the stories that went along with each picture. More though, I loved that the pictures themselves said more than what the spoken stories told.

I happen to like taking pictures as well. I am no photographer, but, there is something that happens to me when I am behind the camera: I feel inspired and I feel as though I become part of something larger than ordinary life. Maybe I should take some courses to improve my skills, or maybe I should just continue not thinking and just snap away not worrying about the result.

I do not remember where this particular photo was taken or why I even decided to take the shot. I see nothing except overgrown grass and darkness. I wonder what my thoughts were at the time. I wonder why I was standing in the midst of overgrown grass. Was I trying to take a picture of something that merely was hidden in the darkness past the power of my lens’ ability?

Funny how often in life beyond the camera I do the same. I get caught up in trying to see into the darkness––instead of focusing on the overgrown grass I am in the midst of…

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

~Matthew 6:34
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April 20, 2016

christianity, faith, God, life, photography, trusting God