Through the Stillness

Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop.
Shouldn’t I be able to say I am a Christian and want to be as obedient as possible?

Isn’t it because I know better and would never want to abuse His grace?

So when all I want to do and be is no longer the same as what the world wants…that shouldn’t be frowned upon…it shouldn’t be analyzed by other Christians.

At the end of the day I do not ever want to stop trying.

Now, I know my works will not save me.

There is nothing I can do to earn my salvation.

It isn’t like I want to or need to…I am lead to.

And that makes all the difference.
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November 19, 2015
Never too Deep
My youngest, Oliver, has moments where he gets nervous in a pool. His arms wrap tightly around me and he quite literally climbs up on me if I try to loosen my hold on him. I remember one time this summer when he did this. I looked him in the eyes and said, “Oliver, it is okay. I promise I will not let you drown and I will be right here holding you. Just trust me. The water is shallow…try to stand.” He held on tighter and whimpered until finally he slowly slid down into the water and touched the bottom. His eyes lit up and he said, “Mommy! I can stand.”

Many times I feel the same way as Oliver when I believe God leading me to do something. It isn’t easy when He wants to take you out of your comfort zone. My fear always deceits me and tells me the waters are too deep and I will drown. But I know the fear is not from God. I know when He is leading me the waters will never be too deep. He will never let me drown.
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November 16, 2015

christianity, faith, God, life, trusting God
A Boy and his Christmas
I had to look away. I fought the tears as much as I could, took a deep breath, and continued to eat my dinner. I looked across the table again. Oliver’s sweet face and his deep laughter…the thought of his perfect, untainted life made me turn my head once again. Every time I looked at him all I could see was another little blond haired boy who lives in our area. A boy who was recently put on hospice.

I have never laid eyes on this family. Still, I am a wreck every time I think of him and what this family is going through. There’s a Facebook page for the community. Yesterday they posted a picture of him making Christmas cookies. It was their Christmas Eve. This morning a video was posted of him waking up asking to open his presents-because it is their Christmas. What else can I say? I can’t stop crying over it.

I know my mind will be on this boy and his family as I prepare for our Christmas season. All we take for granted in life and all we complain about will tighten a knot in my stomach. The thought of this little boy dying breaks my heart. But then thought of the strong faith that this family has held onto strengthens my own faith. I don’t know them…but what I have seen and heard makes me know they are a beautiful family. A beautiful family in need of prayers.

Pray for them.
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November 14, 2015

cancer, christianity, Christmas, faith, Family, parenting, praying
The Chair
In the beginning was the Word,

and the Word was with God,

and the Word was God.

John 1:1

Sometimes it is hard to see and hear God’s voice in your life. Human reasoning seems to get in the way, at least with me. I try to take a step back to recognize how He is speaking to me. Many times I still question whether it is coincidence or Him. When it comes to the Word, I try to push out the doubt with all my might. You know those times a verse just speaks to you and then the same verse continues to pop up in your life. Whether or not it is a commonly used verse, it touches you more than usual. I believe God speaks frequently to me in this manner. It begins with the introduction or reintroduction of the verse…a “wow this verse really speaks to me” moment. Then it is shown to me again and again, however many times I may need it. Each time I hear the verse it gives deeper meaning to the verse and to my life.

John 1:1, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God,” is the present verse being shown to me over and over again. We had bible presentation at my church. I was asked to do a reading. I was handed the verse a few minutes before the service started. I read it and I prayed over it. It is never easy going in front of the congregation, but when I saw the verses I was given from John chapter one, a peace washed over me. When I began to speak, “In the beginning was the Word…,” I felt His power and His peace in the words. A couple days after, someone told me they had a moment when I was up there reading the verse. Pretty amazing how He speaks through us.

Yesterday, I went to my family’s church. It was their 75th anniversary and they honored a few people, my grandma being one of them. The church I now go to is a different denomination. I just find it so interesting to see the differences. I know I belong in the denomination I go to, but a different perspective strengthens me. I used to get confused and want answers to which is right and which is wrong. The only thing I can come up with is there are strengths and weakness in every denomination. (I know I have mentioned all this before.) Why? Because denominations are manmade. The divides within the Christian church are not from God. Heaven is not going to have separate places for each denomination. “Lutherans go over there, Pentecostals over there, and Baptists here.” We are one church. We interpret things different. We place emphasize on different things. I am partial to the Lutheran ways, but that doesn’t mean Lutheran’s don’t have their weaknesses.

The sermon yesterday was a good old fashioned gospel message. It truly was. The pastor began to speak the words of John 1: 1…a peace washed over me once again. I’ll say he he had my full attention after that. I needed a good old fashioned gospel message. He used great verses and examples that all pointed to the gospel. It is funny, the last time I was at my family’s church was for my grandma’s funeral service. The Holy Spirit moved me during her service. I had been intending to read the bible…not just in the bible study sort of way. I needed to read every single word of the bible. After her service I knew I needed to start with the gospel…there was/is something about being at my family’s church, my childhood church that led/leads me to the gospel. So I started with the New testament and then went through the Old Testament and then through the New Testament again. Now I am going back through Old Testament. I am glad I listened to Him and started with the gospels because He knew I needed it.

What I recently needed to be reminded of was to lay all my trust in Him, all of it. It was His plan from the beginning. He knew we could not do it on our own…that is why His son did all the work for us. Sometimes I place too much of my own weight and other peoples weight on my shoulders, instead of casting it all to Him. I am not alone in this problem of trying to stand on my own, we all do it. But we shouldn’t.

I will leave you with one example the pastor gave yesterday. He pulled a chair over by him. Now I am paraphrasing a bit but he said something like, “You can know the chair is a chair. You can study it. You can bow down to it. You can even sing to it. But what you really need to do is sit in the chair. Put all your weight on the chair. Stop trying to stand on your own when you have a chair that is always there.”
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November 9, 2015

christianity, church, cross, faith, Family, Jesus, trusting God
Just One Look
Tonight was Trunk or Treat. I was walking toward the game area talking to someone. I don’t even remember who. I don’t remember because I saw my husband walking up with my kids. There was something about seeing him in that moment where nothing else mattered except him and my two boys. I believe I stopped mid-sentence and walked over to them. All it took was just one look into my husband’s blue eyes.

Not that it even matters what he wears, but tonight, he wore a bright orange camo hat and a camo sweatshirt. (It is no secret I am not much a fan of camouflage clothing.) He still looked handsome, though. Lying in bed, I joked around with Matt asking him if he dressed up like a hunter. He chuckled then said, “I wore the bright hat so Luke could find me easier.” His blue eyes looked to me and seemed to reach into my innermost soul. I leaned over and kissed him.

I couldn’t help but wonder why I didn’t just look into his blue eyes earlier this week. I’m not saying I didn’t look at my husband all week. I was just too distracted to truly connect. I have been thinking about going back to work next year. I don’t want to go back into the same type of work I came from. I would probably go back into nursing, I’m just not sure what kind. Anyway, that isn’t even the point to all of this. My point is, I had been a bit grumpy because of my worrying of all that. I cannot stand when I am grumpy. I like my cheerful self…my usual self. It felt so so good to let my grumpiness go.

Crazy how just one look brings me back. Then one more look deepens my love for him even more. We are connected…no we are more than connected…we are one.
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October 31, 2015
The Hope
I feel as though I am a joyful person––and I may be a bit overzealous at times. I love life and I like to laugh or shall I say giggle? So yep, I mostly am a positive person. There are times, though, where the things of this life strike me and I feel as though I have one foot in this world and the other is trying to plant itself in heaven. I cannot help but to look forward to the day. Not that I don’t love my life. I pray I have many more years here on earth. I pray my loved ones do as well. I don’t know, I guess I think of the pain in this world, the pain I see in people’s eyes, and the pain of missing my ‘people’ that have passed away.

The thought of heaven overwhelms me with joy and peace…and I want to fall to my knees. That is how I get through life. I know what is to come. I cannot imagine going through life without this hope.
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October 26, 2015

christianity, faith, life
The Real ‘Choice’
I know where I stand on the issue. Never have I heard a strong argument to make me doubt my stance. Still though, I have a hard time announcing my stance. I don’t enjoy shaming people for choices they make. I haven’t been in their shoes. I have made choices in my life that I regret, everyone has. I am not perfect. I am not taking the ‘high horse’ stance on this. I am no better than anyone. I cannot stress that enough. I know someone will be offended by these words I am about to say. Someone will think I am being insensitive to those faced with the decision. And––I know I have been blessed to have not been in the position to make the decision. But nonetheless, I know what I would ‘choose’. To me, it just isn’t even my choice to make.

I remember Mother’s Day 2009 very clearly. It is one of those memories I think of and can vividly relive all over again. I was pregnant with my first child. The beauty of real life growing inside of me was magical. It was magical, I don’t know what other word to use. Like I said, I was pregnant. I had yet to feel this life in my arms, I had yet to kiss his little cheek, I had yet to soothe his cries. But still, on that Mother’s Day, I felt joy and I felt honor to be a mom. I was a mom. I was a mom the moment I found out I was pregnant. I know, if I would have miscarried, my mourning and grief would have been real and deep. Because I had life growing inside of me.

No one really chooses to become a parent. It is something we have little control over. Just ask any couple who has struggled to get pregnant. You can make the decision to try, but it isn’t always that easy. I know all the arguments attached to this ‘choice’ to be a parent. But let’s be honest and admit that the real choice is not whether or not you want to be a parent…but rather a choice to kill your child because you don’t want to be a parent.

But what if you were raped? I admit, that is a tough one. It is a heartbreaking thought…I cannot imagine how hard it would be. What would I choose? If I told you I would keep the baby, are you going to tell me I am stupid? Or are you going to tell me I am lying? Or are you going to say I don’t know what I would choose? I know my stance on the issue. I know I would ask myself the option of taking care of the life or ending the life. Yes, I would consider the ‘choice’. I am human after all. Say, I was stricken with disgust and hate because I was raped. Say, the disgust and hate…the pain clouded my true self. Say, I made the ‘choice’. I know that after, I would feel like a murderer. I know the rest of my life, I would live with the pain of being raped and I would live with the pain of killing a life because of it. I ask myself, what would be worse? My answer is the first pain would be hard enough and I wouldn’t want to live with both pains.

Still, I don’t judge anyone who has been faced with the decision. I don’t judge anyone who has made the ‘choice’. But, it makes me sad. Being sad and judging are two different things. The thought keeps me up at night. I pray for those who have made the ‘choice’. I know they will always live with the consequences of their ‘choice’. I know most do not take the decision lightly. I know people feel they have a right to choose and people like having a choice. Like I already said…let’s start being real in stating what the real choice is. It is a choice to raise a kid (or to give up for adoption) or it is a choice to kill.

Let’s stop sugarcoating it.
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October 16, 2015

abortion, abstinence, choice, christianity, life, pro-life
WWJD
Anger is not an emotion I often feel. Lately, though, I do. It started out as hurt and then turned into anger. I believe it stems more from the fact I cannot change the situation. I actually asked myself, “What would Jesus do?” Remember when WWJD products abounded? I miss that. You know, as Christians, we want to be more Christ-like…but how often to we ask ourselves if our actions/reactions reflect that.

WWJD if he were faced with what I am facing? He would love the person regardless. He would let it go and continue to live His life the way the Father wanted Him to. If I continue to succumb to my angry feelings then I am not being a follower of Christ. I am not living according to His will.

I am not living according to His will, that’s it…
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August 24, 2015
His strength
I am stronger because of his strength. My son’s strength, that is. When I started back blogging a few years ago, it was because I needed an outlet for my grief. It was the deepest grief I have ever felt in my life. My grief was my own, it was my son’s future grief, and it was having to see my husband’s grief. I imagined never feeling comfortable having another child…I imagined the struggles that Luke’s life would bring…I imagined my husband looking at me the as though it was my fault for the struggles. I found it hard to even blog about it because when I looked at Luke and his beautiful blue eyes, I just couldn’t handle it. I had to focus on the day to day stuff and I mostly blogged about other things. Blogging still helped though. It helped me to focus and it brought back my passion of writing.

For a long time, I would watch for struggles. I was hyper-focused on developmental stuff because I was afraid he would fall behind. He never did. Yes there were little things like fine motor skills he was a bit behind on…but nothing major. He was walking at nine months…he was making eye contact and his speech was fine. Every thing I was told to look out for, for kids with visual impairment, never occurred. Still, I had the early on program evaluate him because I didn’t want to miss anything. He never even qualified for service because he was doing so well. It gave me hope and I am not gonna lie, I thought maybe his vision wasn’t as bad as the doctor said. I was in a bit of denial back then. When Luke got old enough to do a more accurate eye exam my heart broke all over again. I remember the words Luke’s eye doctor said, “He may not be able to get a drivers license. I like to warn my parents ahead of time so when the time comes they are more prepared. It won’t be so shocking.” There was no denial after that. Every eye exam since has confirmed he really does have low vision. I went through the grieving process all over. I prayed, I cried, I prayed…the Lord answered my prayers in His perfect way.

No, the Lord did not heal Luke. The Lord gave him strength. Strength that sometimes drives me bonkers. He is so stinking stubborn…but in the end someone like Luke needs that kind of strength and he needs that kind of stubbornness. His strength is what has helped me come to terms with all of it. Luke has never allowed his vision to slow him down. He has learned how to compensate and he keeps up with other kids. I sometimes want to shout “hurray” when I see him do something that obviously must be harder for him than others, but I don’t. I just thank God for the perfect way he made Luke. Yes, I said perfect.

My guilt of passing on gene that caused his ocular Albinism has faded. I no longer deny his vision problems because of my trust in his doctor’s expertise. From time to time someone else will say to me, “I don’t think Luke’s vision is that bad.” I have learned not to argue the statement because it makes the person feel better saying it. I just respond in my mind. I say, “No his vision really is that bad, but God gave him the strength to overcome it.”
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August 5, 2015

faith, ocular albinism
Words Will Always Fail
I go to church. I wish I could be there every single day. I really do. Before someone thinks it, I already know going to church doesn’t make you a Christian. I need church, though. I think most Christians do. I need it so much and the truth is I cannot wait for summer to be over so bible studies start up again. Without church, without fellowship with other Christians, without learning with and from other Christians I believe my faith would weaken.

I wasn’t always this faithful. Well maybe I was–I just didn’t walk the walk of what was inside of me. Through my late teens and early twenties especially, I fought my beliefs. I went to church…just not as much as I should have or not as much as what the pull inside of me was saying I should. I was going along in life against the current, trying to figure it out on my own.

We all have stories and I could go into the details of why I went against the current…but does it really matter why? We all can relate to this feeling. Why do we make things harder on ourselves? There is always a backstory to our reasoning. Sometimes it is okay and other times we have to throw the backstory out the window and let it fly away so we can live our true life. The life we were meant to live…the life that helps us sleep better at night….the life that has always dwelled inside of each of us.

Anyway, I was going against the current and I was tired. I gave up the fight because all things kept pointing to Him. I was never a bad person…far from perfect..but it was never a morality thing with me. I was afraid to live my faith. I thought I wanted what the world had to give, but I never felt it was enough. I realized what I needed was beyond what this world could give. I needed to allow God’s love to work through me. I needed to accept His love. He was always there with outreached arms waiting for me because He loves me. I can imagine Him thinking, “It’s about time, Stacy.” Actually it was more me thinking it to myself. He knew how stubborn I was going to be…He’s God.

I think of my love for my children, words cannot begin to describe the depth of my love for them. My love strengthens them, it gives them hope, and it encourages them to not give up when times get hard. I asked Oliver the other day if he knew how much I loved him. His response was, “Too much.” I do love them too much and the crazy thing is the Lord loves me even more than that. His love for us is deeper than any love we will ever know. It is simply hard to fathom, but I know it is true.

I have a hard time explaining His love and why I am a Christian. Sometimes, I look back on some of my posts and the words are simply hogwash in comparison to how I feel. That’s it though! That’s the point to all of this. When it comes to God’s love and grace and the importance of the cross…words will always fail.
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August 1, 2015

christianity, faith, God, love

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