I am stronger because of his strength. My son’s strength, that is. When I started back blogging a few years ago, it was because I needed an outlet for my grief. It was the deepest grief I have ever felt in my life. My grief was my own, it was my son’s future grief, and it was having to see my husband’s grief. I imagined never feeling comfortable having another child…I imagined the struggles that Luke’s life would bring…I imagined my husband looking at me the as though it was my fault for the struggles. I found it hard to even blog about it because when I looked at Luke and his beautiful blue eyes, I just couldn’t handle it. I had to focus on the day to day stuff and I mostly blogged about other things. Blogging still helped though. It helped me to focus and it brought back my passion of writing.
For a long time, I would watch for struggles. I was hyper-focused on developmental stuff because I was afraid he would fall behind. He never did. Yes there were little things like fine motor skills he was a bit behind on…but nothing major. He was walking at nine months…he was making eye contact and his speech was fine. Every thing I was told to look out for, for kids with visual impairment, never occurred. Still, I had the early on program evaluate him because I didn’t want to miss anything. He never even qualified for service because he was doing so well. It gave me hope and I am not gonna lie, I thought maybe his vision wasn’t as bad as the doctor said. I was in a bit of denial back then. When Luke got old enough to do a more accurate eye exam my heart broke all over again. I remember the words Luke’s eye doctor said, “He may not be able to get a drivers license. I like to warn my parents ahead of time so when the time comes they are more prepared. It won’t be so shocking.” There was no denial after that. Every eye exam since has confirmed he really does have low vision. I went through the grieving process all over. I prayed, I cried, I prayed…the Lord answered my prayers in His perfect way.
No, the Lord did not heal Luke. The Lord gave him strength. Strength that sometimes drives me bonkers. He is so stinking stubborn…but in the end someone like Luke needs that kind of strength and he needs that kind of stubbornness. His strength is what has helped me come to terms with all of it. Luke has never allowed his vision to slow him down. He has learned how to compensate and he keeps up with other kids. I sometimes want to shout “hurray” when I see him do something that obviously must be harder for him than others, but I don’t. I just thank God for the perfect way he made Luke. Yes, I said perfect.
My guilt of passing on gene that caused his ocular Albinism has faded. I no longer deny his vision problems because of my trust in his doctor’s expertise. From time to time someone else will say to me, “I don’t think Luke’s vision is that bad.” I have learned not to argue the statement because it makes the person feel better saying it. I just respond in my mind. I say, “No his vision really is that bad, but God gave him the strength to overcome it.”