Through the Stillness

This World Needs You, Oliver.
We went to a birthday party last night. Oliver wasn’t feeling the party. We walked in the house, he looked around to the many unknown faces, and plopped right on my lap. I kissed the top of his head and he gave me his ‘I’m peopled out’ look. I whispered in his ear that it was okay. Everyone kept asking if he was okay. It made him cling to me more. I started to feel self-conscious for him. I began to worry even though my instinct told me what was really going on.

So I whispered in his ear, “Sweetie, are you okay? Do you feel okay?”

“Yes, Mommy,” he replied.

People kept staring at him, I kid you not, like there was something seriously wrong because he was not running and yelling like the rest of the kids. I almost spoke up, but sometimes it isn’t worth it. But maybe I should have. I think I will next time.

Oliver is one of the most content people I know. He is laid back. He entertains himself and never complains he is bored. When he is comfortable with you, he is the funniest kid you’d ever meet. He lightens the tone in our house like no other. He isn’t shy and is FAR from being an insecure kid. He just doesn’t need or like to be center of attention. He is an observer. He easily points things out about people that most young four year olds would never notice. He’s loud and he is quiet. He is goofy and reserved.

He is a creative old soul…just like his mother. He is a story teller who never leaves out a detail.

He would rather know people before he shows himself to them. He is selective with whom he does open up to. I bet it is because he can read people…just like his mother.

He is empathetic. Without saying a word, he feels what I feel. “Mommy, you have a sad look in your eyes. Don’t be sad, cutie-pie.” He absorbs others emotions…just like his mother.

I want to raise Oliver knowing it is okay to be the way he is. I don’t want him having to figure that out in his twenties like I did. My parents loved and accepted me and I was okay with myself…I just didn’t know what being an introvert was. Back then, people didn’t use the term. The first time I read what it was, I felt free. I always knew I wasn’t shy. Because to me, shyness stems from deep insecurities which I never really had. I just never knew how to describe myself and for a thinker and analyzer like me…it was dreadful not to know. Huge HUGE lightbulb moment. I’m an introvert, it all makes sense now!

Oliver will have an advantage I (and many others) never had as a kid. I will be able to tell him about all the great introverts of the past. The thinkers, the mercy-driven need to change and help the world doers, the inventors, the creators…those who refused to think inside the box. I don’t want him to feel he has to do what everyone else is doing all the time. I will relate to him when he feels someone in infringing on his individuality. I will be able to tell him, I know exactly how he feels. I will be able to show him what a gift and what a strength it is.

God made him this way for a reason and I am so glad he did. I feel as though I should mention I love my extroverted son, just the same. Luke teaches me to see the other side of things. I’m just as glad God made him extroverted. I am in awe in the way He designed my boys. Luke with his Ocular Albinism needs to have the boldness God gave him. He really does. Oliver, needs all of his strengths and sense of mercy. I already see how Oliver cares for Luke. He watches out for him and he accepts Luke like no one else in this world does. This world needs Oliver, Luke needs Oliver. Oliver needs Luke too. Luke pulls Oliver out of his own mind and shows him the other side of life.

They just fit together, they are the perfect brothers. I am moved to tears thinking of how God made them to be brothers. To think, I was scared to have a second child. Okay, I’m done now. The end!
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August 13, 2016

christianity, Family, God, introvert, life, ocular albinism, parenting
Rooms of my Heart
In the rooms of my heart the windows never close.

I watch the swelling of the curtains as memories old and new blow through.

My room of pain is deep within.

Layer upon layer of paint conceal the hurt that lies beneath.

There is a closet of white clothes.

Sometimes I see the crisp white fabric and sometimes all I see are stains.

Down the hall is a room with only darkness.

I try to light a candle, but there’s a force that blows it out.

The room is cold and I feel the chills of life run up and down my spine.

I never stay long there…

I rush into my room of things I love.

It is filled with my kids laughter and my husband’s embrace.

I also have my room of peace.

A worn comfy chair, a warm blanket, and a book await me there.

I stare out the window, I listen to the rain fall, and I pray.

There are many other rooms in my heart.

Some are locked and some are hidden.

Some have walls knocked down and others are under construction…

Oh, but I must not forget to mention my favorite room.

It is my room of forgiveness.

This room is covered by the blood of the Lamb.

It peels away the layers of paint and washes away my stains.

It gives me light in the darkness and warms my soul.

This, my dear, is the room of all rooms.
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August 10, 2016

photography, poetry
My One Prayer
Everyone has that one thing they pray for the most. You may never share this prayer with anyone but Him. You may believe it will never be answered or at least answered the way you want it to be. But still, you want it so badly you continue to pray and sometimes beg or try to negotiate a deal with God. Sometimes, if you are like me, you will feel guilty for continuously praying for this one thing. Because you know you are blessed and things could always be worse. But yet, you cannot help but to relentlessly pray for it.

My prayer is for my oldest son, Luke, who has Ocular Albinism. I don’t pray for God to take his Ocular Albinism away. I do pray for his future and his ability to adapt to this world. I pray people are kind to him because of his difficulties. I pray he one day falls in love and marries a girl who is strongly rooted in God. I pray for his future children.

My one prayer, though, is that one day his visual acuity will be enough for him to get a driver’s license. At the end of the day, I know the above prayers should have more priority. I just cannot help it. I want my son to be able to drive. It is my one selfish prayer. I want to one day hand him the keys to my car…or to Matt’s car and say don’t be home too late with tears streaming down my face. I want to see him roll his eyes and say, “I’ll be fine, Mom. I’m just driving down the street.” I want Matt to place his hand on my shoulder as he says, “Luke will be just fine”. That is what I want.

Today, driving home from Luke’s eye doctor appointment, I cried a little like I always do. This time, for the first time, the tears were filled with fragments of hope. Not a lot of hope, but just enough for me to exhale a sigh of relief. Every single appointment, even the first appointment where Luke was diagnosed, the doctor has mentioned that Luke will probably never be able to drive. It is something he knows bothers parents. He always says he doesn’t want to give parents false hope. I respect that about him. It can’t be easy. Today was different. Luke’s vision has improved some. He said it is quite possible Luke’s vision will improve enough where he could possibly be able to get a driver’s license.

It took me about ten minutes to process that. In the parking lot after Matt and I got the kids in the car, he pulled me in for a hug. Yes, I thought, he really did say what I thought he said. It was the first time I left that place without a knot in my stomach. I explained it to Luke when we got home and we talked a bit about his eye disorder. I had never spoken that in depth about it with him. I felt it was time and at the end I was able to give him a little hope. His reaction told me it was the right time.

Hope and possibility are worth holding tightly to, even when there is still a chance things may not end up to your liking. Sometimes all we have in this life is a little hope. A little hope has to be enough. It is enough for me. Thank you, Lord.
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August 9, 2016

christianity, faith, Family, God, hope, life, love, ocular albinism, parenting
Misconceptions
The way someone sees you says more about them than you.

I didn’t always think this way. I used to think it was me. I must have done or said something. There must be something wrong with me. But I’ve come to realize how wrong I was. I’m not perfect. You are not perfect either. I sometimes do say or do things that people don’t like…as do you.

You see, I needed to stop caring so much about trying to please others. I needed to embrace all of me, even the parts of me that may be annoying. It sounds funny saying that outside of my mind, but it is true. Embracing all of me doesn’t mean I don’t try to work on bettering myself. It doesn’t mean I never apologize, because I do. I am a person that allows “I’m sorry” to flow out of my mouth on a daily basis. I am a person who is continuously striving to become a better me.

Embracing all of me allowed me to see the beauty in the unique way God molded me. It freed me from trying to be like others. It opened my eyes to all the pressures this world produces. It poured God’s love on me like never before. It revealed me.

I began to love myself more like the way God intended me to. It empowered me to see the beauty in everyday life. I no longer yearn for adventure; I now yearn for ways to show and share God’s love. I am more joyous because I have stopped chasing things and I have become still. I began to love others more as well. I stopped searching for perfection in others.

When others see only the bad in you, when others expect more from you than what you can give it is not your fault. Apologize when you screw up and continue to work on your weaknesses. Just don’t allow others misconceptions of you to seep into the beautiful you God designed you (and only you) to be.
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August 8, 2016
Alone in this World
Random carvings covered the picnic table. I mindlessly read them out loud as Matt and I ate our lunch. When I got to this one I repeated it a few times. My wandering mind halted and thoughts of who may have carved this came into focus.

I imagined a teenage girl who feels lost. She looks for attention from boys in all the wrong ways. Or maybe it is a teenage boy who keeps making all the wrong choices and cannot seem to make his dad proud. Was it someone grieving the loss of a loved one? Or was it someone who truly has never had anyone to care for them the way they deserve? Oh, all the heart-rending possibilities.

Sadness crept into my peaceful day. A day where loneliness was the furthest thing from my mind. I began to think of all the people who feel alone in this world. I began to wonder how many people in my life feel this type of loneliness and I have no clue because they hide it under smiles and I’m doing greats.

I prayed as I finished my chicken salad sandwich. I prayed as I looked into my husband’s big blue eyes. I ask you as well to take just a moment to pray for whoever carved this and whoever else feels utterly alone in this world.
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August 6, 2016
What if we are known by…
Here it goes…

We may not understand why things happen. We may think things aren’t fair. We compare our lives to others and think we deserve what the other has or even more than what they have. We like to think of ourselves as good and we like to think our way of thinking makes the most sense.

We get disappointed in others and play the ‘what if’ game. What if I was raised in a nicer neighborhood? What if my parents were nicer to me? What if I had sisters instead of a brothers? What if my parents took me to church as a child? What if…?

What if we stopped? What if we actually began to realize God places us where we need to be? I know there are many people out there that loathe the “everything happens for a reason” response to life. I have felt this way as well. Because, let’s face it, life can completely suck at times. Some people coast through life and others don’t. The problem is––we begin to lose our trust in His perfect plan when we stop believing God has us where He needs us.

Maybe that is what Satan wants. He wants us to believe we are greater than others and when bad things happen it isn’t fair. (Let the arm crossing and stomping and slamming doors commence.) I cannot recall anywhere in the bible where it says life is supposed to be fair. There is sin in this world. Life will never be fair. I know I sound insensitive. But, think of it this way. How fair was it when Christ died on the cross for every bad thing you ever have or will do? He was without sin. Think of all the sins you commit in one day because you justify them. You think it is okay because you are having a rough day or week or year.

Trust me, I am preaching to myself as well here.

We need to stop thinking we are so great. We need to stop believing life owes us more than what it can give us. We need to rise up and humble ourselves. We need to fully trust God. We somehow think we can be of this world when it suits us. As a result, our fruit is withering.

How do we expect to bring others to Christ when we are living just like them? None of this has anything to do with earning salvation. None of this has anything to do with being better than others. We can’t earn anything and we are no better than others. But we can be more fruitful if we allow the Holy Spirit to work through us. Have Christians become lazy? Do we think since we have salvation through the blood that we can do as we please? I am just so very frustrated. I know there is more we can be doing.

God gave us all beautifully unique gifts. We need to be thankful for these gifts and use them. We need to open our bible no matter how busy and unfair life becomes. Faith is more than a Sunday morning thing. It is more than an hour of your time during bible study. Those things are still important, of course, because they are there to prepare us to share the good news. Sharing the good news is the point, right?

We all know that sharing the good news is more than the words we speak. Again this may not be fair…but…people are watching you because you are a christian. When they see you living like everyone else they become desensitized to the importance of Christ’s blood. Let us show them the way by the fruit we bear. Aaah, just imagine all we could do.

So I ask, what are you known by?

By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.

~Matthew 7:16-20
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August 2, 2016
The Light in the Darkness
Last night my nephew stayed the night. We let the boys stay up a bit past their bedtimes so we can catch lightening bugs. As they were running around, I realized it had been a while since I had been outside in the dark. With young kids we cling to the light––we close up shop for the day. Oh my, it was a beautiful night and I was in awe of the dark cloudy sky. A much needed light glimmered through and around me.

I walked around our yard and watched the boys. I remembered the joys of my own childhood. I pictured my young self standing still and waiting for the small flickering of light. I felt the sneaking up, the holding up of one palm, and then the taking of the other hand to quickly trap the lightening bug. My favorite part was the release. Sometimes they would immediately fly off and other times they would linger for a few seconds. I would not move until I once again saw their flickering of light in the darkness. Then I was off to find the next flickering of light. I never had any doubt that I would find another.

I began to think of the pain in this world, of the darkness the pain brings. The sun always goes down and the darkness always finds its way. My natural instinct as a parent is to wrap my arms around my kids and pull them close to me. I want to cover their eyes and shield them from the darkness of this world. I love my children and want to protect them. I can’t though.

Instead of always trying to shield them, I need to show them how to stand in the darkness by always looking to God. One day they will have to stand in the darkness and I will not be able to shield them. I will not be able to shield them. (I have to say it once more.) I will not be able to shield them. What I can do is continue to equip them by:
- Teaching them the Word.
- Praying with them
- Praying for them.
- Leading by example.
- Pointing out the light in the darkness, even if it is just a flicker.
- Being their light when I can.
- Allowing them to be my light when they can.
- Trusting God and God’s path for them.
- Praising, loving, and striving to be more like Christ with them…the only unwavering light in this dark world.
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July 27, 2016

christianity, faith, Family, God, life, love, parenting, peace, photography, trusting God
To Guide and Humble
I easily allow things to roll off my shoulders. It has helped me to keep my inner peace. I thank God for this ability. It isn’t always a good thing though. Sometimes I roll things off my shoulders and truly forget to deal with them. The things begin to pile up all around me and I’m stuck to deal with them all at once. I can’t move because these things are blocking my escape. Like I said, I am thankful for this ability to adjust and truly things don’t pile up very often. I don’t neglect everything I need to deal with…just some things. It usually boils down to people. I allow others to take and take and take. I have a hard time taking and I know I need to take sometimes. I know those who care about me want me to take, I just don’t.

I feel like a broken record saying this but it goes to prove yet again how our strengths are also our weaknesses. I cannot help but believe it is all a part of God’s perfect design. Our strengths are there to guide us, not to set us higher than others. Our weaknesses are there to humble us, not to lower us from others. There is always this balance reminding me I cannot do things alone. I am no better than anyone and there is no one better than me. We need to remember this. God made us to work together. God made each and every one of us apart but yet connected.

Let us build each other up. Let us understand each other’s weaknesses and use each other’s strengths to get through life and further the kingdom.
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July 20, 2016
To Stay Afloat
I have always wanted to buy an old house to fix up. Old houses have character that a newer house cannot compete with. That probably will never happen, but a girl can dream, you know. It isn’t just houses, anything old excites me. I don’t know how to describe it. I think it started as a child. We lived in this old farmhouse. I remember the creaky wooden steps. I remember the floors, the cabinets, the built in shelves, the scary basement. I remember the old barns we would explore and play in. I remember all the little details that most people would overlook.

My love for old things carried on through the years. I blame mostly my dad for this love of old things. He would buy wooden boats. We would spend the winter fixing them up. It was hard work. Me being the smallest, I was always given the job of climbing down by the engine. I had to pull out the leaves and whatever else was down there. I don’t miss that part. My favorite part was redoing the cabin. Sanding, staining, and varnishing the wood was fun to me. I felt as though it was our living room of the boat. I am all about making things feel comfortable. My brothers were more into the exterior part. The things that made the boat float. My dad taught us how to work hard. Our boats showed us, literally, how hard work pays off. Putting the boat in the water for the first time and wondering if it will stay afloat. When it did…aah…what an amazing feeling!

I think of life much like I do of old wooden boats. You need to put work into it to stay afloat. Think about a time when you let things go. Those cracks in whatever area of life you let go start holding in water and then eventually you feel as though you are sinking. You grab your bucket and start throwing the water out, but the water keeps filling back up. What you really need to do is fix the cracks. In order to do that, you may need to pull your boat out of water. Sometimes all you need to use is a sealant. Other times you need replace some of the wood as well.

Spiritual life is the same. I think that is where many people get confused. You don’t need to earn your salvation. Jesus did the work for you. But you do need to do some work if you want your faith to grow. What happens when you fall out of prayer and you slide away from reading His word? You will start sinking right back into the world and worldly thinking.

We need to protect ourselves from the exterior things that wear us down and we need to protect ourselves from the things (sin) within ourselves as well. As christians we need to continuously seal and repair our cracks so we can stay afloat. The more afloat we become, the more we can help others stay afloat and see the love of Christ.
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July 18, 2016

christianity, faith, life
I Watched You.
Yesterday afternoon I watched as you walked up from Golf Camp. You had a dramatic look on your face, much like the many dramatic facial expressions I too have. You were the only kid not carrying your golf bag. I’m sure because you somehow talked someone else into carrying it for you. I watched as you told the person, “Okay, you can give it to me now.” I watched as you walked up to me and sighed, “Why couldn’t they just let us take a golf cart.” One of the coaches was watching you too and he chuckled. It was in that moment I realized I don’t watch you enough.

I get caught up in parenting. I love you and you are such a blessing. But our biggest blessings carry with them responsibility, worry, work, and so much more. I worry more about you because of your Ocular Albinism. I know I sometimes worry too much. I know because when I pull (or yank) myself out of being your mom and just watch––I see that you are going to be okay.

I watched you last night during wrestling. You are so witty and sarcastic. You had everyone in the room laughing––the kids, the coach, and the parents.

I watched you after wrestling as we left. You caught up with your friend. You two talked like grown-ups and us parents watched and laughed. You like to relate to people just as I do. You are not big on small talk. Kid, I’m not either.

I watched you this morning as you dug through your golf bag looking for something. You were acting like a grumpy old man. Oh boy, you are stuck in your ways. You are a very strong-willed child. I read somewhere that the most strong-willed children usually become the most independent in life. I need to remind myself of that more often.

I will never stop being your parent. I will never stop worrying about you. I will never stop trying to point you in the right direction. I will never stop trying to encourage you to be the best person possible.

I want you to know hard work pays off. I want you to be accountable for your actions. I want you to have fun in life too. I want so much for you because you deserve it.

I will never be a perfect parent. I realize that is okay. I promise to never stop trying, though. I also promise to stop and just watch you more. You are an awesome kid and I am so very proud of you. Happy Birthday, Luke. I cannot believe you are seven years old today.
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July 12, 2016

christianity, Family, life, love, ocular albinism, parenting