Through the Stillness

I had too many thoughts running through my head and I couldn’t lie still anymore, so I got up. I sat covered in my warm blanket and drank my warm coffee while I simply got lost in my own mind. I felt comfortable. I was even thinking about how comfortable I felt. I began thinking about a comment someone said about a week ago. It struck me how comfortable my life really is and always has been.

I’m empathetic. I care about people, sometimes people say I care too much. I try to help those in need. I donate money. I give clothes to charity. I give time. My heart hurts for people. But I don’t give until it hurts. I don’t know if I know how, or if I can ever truly learn.

We always have extra money in the bank, too much food in the pantry, and many other luxuries. I’m looking down at my favorite t-shirt and know I wouldn’t give it away.  I like it too much.  Our house is not small and it is filled with stuff.  Most of the stuff just sits without any true purpose.  I type on my wireless keyboard and stare up at my Mac computer.  I get frustrated when the batteries run low on my wireless mouse.

I shop at Whole Foods without thinking twice. I just ordered a dress from J.Crew for an upcoming wedding, although I have a closet full of dresses. To defend myself, I don’t always buy a new dress…and I have dresses from Target that I have worn to a wedding. I guess in defending myself, I just reaffirmed how entitled I really am. Because, I always have a dress to wear.  I always have shoes on my feet, and I always have food to eat.

I’m a stay-at-home mom.  We don’t really sacrifice too much for me to be. If Matt lost his job, I could easily find one.  Maybe, we’d have to downgrade our house.  But, we’d never go hungry.  We’d never know what it meant to really struggle to survive.  Say, for some crazy reason I couldn’t work either. I’m fairly certain we’d still never go hungry. We have family who would help us get back on our feet.

As a kid, I wanted to be a missionary.  The idea fascinated me. I remember one of my old pastor’s sons who went on a long term mission trip with his wife.  He came back a changed man. I listened to his testimony and I was inspired. I wanted his life.  I still have never been on a mission, maybe one day I’ll go.  The thing is, it is a luxury to go on a mission. I’d come back and have a hard time adjusting.  I’d feel guilt. I’d listen to other people and get annoyed with how much they/we take for granted. Eventually, I would get comfortable again. I don’t think I’d ever forget. I would be a changed person. But, I’d still be comfortable.  I always will be.

I don’t even know if I have a point to all of this.  I am thankful for what I have. I feel blessed to be able to provide my kids a good life. I don’t want it taken away. I like being spoiled. I feel guilty, but never guilty enough. I know, I will always be a store trip away from a piece of chocolate. Does it make me a better person because I realize how spoiled I am? Probably not.

If you were the only church people knew, what would they see?  Do they see you lying on a raft cruising along the current of the world? Are you someone who goes to church only out of duty, but who really lives just as they do? Do they see you as a pharisee? Are you someone who looks down on others who simply just don’t get it?

The other day, I had a a raft moment. We all do. I went along with the current and laughed at something I wouldn’t normally laugh at. Something straight up mean was said. I know we all say unkind things sometimes. But, there were no hurt feelings or emotion behind the words…it was just mean. Yet, I chuckled…mostly out of discomfort…because I couldn’t believe the words came out of this person’s mouth…but still.

I’m a nice person.  Sometimes too nice to stop someone when they say something they shouldn’t say. I like being nice and intend to be nice until the day I die.  I will continue to give more than I take.  I will continue to care about people, even when they are unkind to me. Being kind gives me peace.

I need to show myself grace, but I also need to know when the Holy Spirit is trying to lead me.

I need to work on being around those people who say things I don’t want to listen to. I am allowed to put my hand up and stop someone when they say unkind things. I am allowed stand up to things. Because, what kind of church am I being when I don’t do anything?

Not the kind of church I want people to see.  

The church I want people to see is the kind who gives grace generously. I need to give and receive grace, but still know I will always need to work on things. I want to welcome people regardless of their past and show them the hope we have in Christ.

I want people to know I will stand up for what is right, regardless of who is around. I want people to know it is okay to feel uncomfortable around things that are wrong.

The church, the real church, is strong and gentle.  It is confident and humble. It loves the right way. Love is not walking on eggshells.

We all need to think more about the church we are showing to the world. The church is and should be relevant to us. And it can be more relevant to others if we show them the way. Many times we are the only church people will see. I ask again, what are you showing them?

 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

-Matthew 5:16

I stepped outside to listen to the rain.  Luke came out wrapped in a blanket to be with me. I saw the look in his eyes as he to soaked up the peace. No words were needed.

Oliver came running out, “You guys!  Get in the house.  It’s raining really bad.”

“Ollie, sweetie, it’s okay.  The porch is covering us from the rain.  See?  We haven’t a drop of rain on us,” I replied.

Arms crossed he shook his head as he stood in the doorway for a minute to make sure we weren’t getting wet. Then he went back inside. He came out a few more times to make sure we were still dry. The last time he smiled as he knew his mommy’s words were true. The porch gave us shelter from the pouring rain.

In life, rain will fall.  Many times we forget to sit in the shelter He provides. We forget about or doubt the peace we can have in the midst of the storm. We get scared and we try to control the rain as if we can stop it.

It is so hard to trust Him sometimes, I know it is.  But, we have to remember the Word and the promise He gives. When life gets too hard to bear we need to rely on those God places in our lives as leaders, friends, and family to remind us. We need to regularly fall to our knees and pray not only when we are scared, but when we are happy too.

We need to see the shelter He provides; because it is always there. Always.

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

-Psalm 91:1

It’s a warm but breezy day. Each time the cool air brushes my skin I can’t help but to close my eyes and take it all in. The Lord’s presence and peace envelope me. Even if for only a few minutes–I feel free to just be.

Everywhere I turn anymore there is pain. People are cruel. Disease strikes unexpectedly. War. Deceit. Fear. Death. This election! I could go on for days. People think they are fighting for the right thing, but all there is is hate in their hearts. The ones without all the hate are walking on eggshells to try to maintain peace. Sometimes I just want to scream out for it all to stop.

It is indeed inescapable in this world. It gets to me, but in this peaceful fleeting moment, I feel nothing but His love. My mind is open and a verse enters. I remember the first time I heard it. It was on a Sunday morning, the pastor told us to open our bibles to Revelation. I was taken aback since it was probably the first time I remember being asked to open to this book of the bible. It was such a mysterious and scary book to me at that age.

I was young, but I will never forget how the words made me feel. It was the first time His word moved me to tears. It was the first time I felt truly connected to God in a personal way.

This crazy world, this life we live is temporary.  How easily we forget this. We tread through moments as if we will never get out.

He will return and all the pain in this world will be forgotten. All the things in your life causing so much turmoil won’t matter when we see His face….when He wipes away our tears.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

-Revelation 21:4

I’ve been drained and a bit recluse as of late.  I can go through the list of reasons why, but it doesn’t matter to most of you anyway. We all have things weighing us down and we all have mornings where our bed seems more appealing than the pew.  Add to it that my kids were at Matt’s parents overnight.  How often do I get to be lazy in the morning?  So, yeah, I almost stayed in bed instead of going to church. Anytime I feel this way a voice tells me to push through it…guilt creeps up and I feel a pit in my gut.

I forcefully got myself looking presentable in about twenty minutes and rushed out the door. Because it truly never fails that it ends up being a message my little ears needed to hear. I think Satan plans it that way.  He must sprinkle laziness dust over us in our sleep when he knows a message is going to move us.

Pastor spoke about our cloud of witnesses. I glanced at the cross. I pictured my grandmas and great-grandmas standing at the the foot of the cross yelling their own words of wisdom to me. Yes, I know I have quite the imagination. I especially focused in on my grandma Scott.  She was telling me to keep going.  It is like I could see her face and hear her voice.

Let go of it all.  Don’t let the weight of this world slow you down.  

She had such a quiet strength about her.  Her head was always held high and always looking toward the cross. I think of things in her life and how she handled them. I think of things going on right now and wonder how she would handle them.  With grace, faith, and a little bit of style…that is how she would handle things. I can see her throwing off all the things of life that hindered her (except for whatever piece of jewelry went with her outfit) and she would walk…not run…because I don’t think I ever saw her run. She would never stop walking the race.

We should never stop running the race (or walking if your not athletic). We just need to keep going . We need to keep our eyes on the prize, not on this crazy world.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,  fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

-Hebrew 12:1-3