Through the Stillness

Drugs and a Well Traveled Baby Blanket
When I was around nine years old, I stayed a few weeks one summer at her house. We began sewing clothes for a little stuffed rabbit. I admired her wit and her creativity. She enjoyed writing at one time…just like me. My grandma and mom always referred to her as being so very intelligent and a few times they said I reminded them of her when she was younger. I remember feeling proud of being like her. Well, that was before drugs took her life.

One thing people don’t realize is that drugs take a person’s life long before they take their last breath. It is like a slow decay. Years later you don’t even recognize the person they once were. All you see are the lies, the anger, and the stress it has caused those you love.

It is crazy to see how drugs seeped into my life although I have never done drugs. Drugs seep into so many innocent lives. I’ve seen the trickle down effect it has on a family and it infuriates me. More, it saddens me.

Maybe to some it seemed inevitable because people with mental illness seem to have a higher incidence of drug use, but I was a kid. All I saw was the destruction and all I did was wonder what happened to my smart and funny aunt.

I rememeber the phone call. My cousin found her dead. My cousin who has had so many bad things happen to because of her. He was devastated. It was so unfair.

I cannot help but wonder where accountability falls into play. Then, that seems insensitive because mental illness is not a made up illness. Maybe the insensitivity behind mental illness is partly to blame. Which means I am partly to blame–most of us are partly to blame.

We don’t hesitate to feel for and want to help with those who have physical ailments. You have someone who is diagnosed with bipolar and it is different. We get mad at them when they once again have made a bad choice. It is hard not to be upset when someone else’s bad choices hurt those around them. I get it. Oh do I get it because I watchd it over and over again.

Up until this very moment I never realized how much drugs changed my life.

Somewhere in time, I almost forgot I had an aunt. I would see her on Christmas and a few other times throughout the year. I guess there were a few times I actually saw the real her. The time I remember the most was at my baby shower. I was surprised she came and even more surprised she brought a present. As I began opening it, I saw a glimpse of familiar color. I soon realized it was my baby blanket. She knew my mom would lose it (which is so true)…so she saved it all those years for me for my baby shower.

I cannot help but think of the countless times she moved. Every time she carried along with her my baby blanket and I had no idea. I wonder if my blanket brought her any comfort. Was it some reminder of who she once was?

Mental illness and drugs are indeed a horrible combination. The insensitivity and ignorance toward them are as well though. I know it is hard to think of the person they once were. It is hard to think somewhere under all the gunk the person still remains. Maybe we are playing God when we feel the person is beyond hope; when we forget the person is still in there struggling beyond what we can ever imagine.

Oh, how Satan want us to forget that person…

And I did. I forgot she still existed. I forgot how even the glimpse of her who still remained deserved grace, forgiveness, and love. Just like we all deserve those things. I pray the last moments of her life she called out to God. Oh I pray…
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September 29, 2016

christianity, drugs, Family, forgiveness, God, life
Season of Change
The once green leaves darkened and dried.

I never thought to just let them go.

I prayed for strength to keep and bear them.

Still, the crisp air came and began to rip them away.

Some twirled, some plummeted, some fast, some slow.

But all landed on the ground around me.

I didn’t believe they would wander far.

Give me the strength Lord, please.

They may still come back to me.

Slowly the wind picked them up.

One by one they flew further and further.

I tried reaching down to grab them.

God simply told me no.

I realized a season of change had come.

New leaves would surely emerge.

But only after the release of all the old.
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September 27, 2016

christianity, faith, life, poetry, trusting God
Another Anniversary Blog
(Almost every year, I write a blog on our anniversary. Why? Because he loves my writing more than anyone else on earth. I love him more than anyone else on earth. Plus, I think it is important to celebrate each and every year as if it were the first.)

I never had a list of qualities that I wanted in my future husband. I simply wanted someone who loved me the way my dad loves my mom. My parents have always been a great example of what to work toward in a marriage. They love each other in the way you should love your spouse. It shows in all they do. It shows in the way they tease each other. It shows in the way the are always on each other’s side.

In my teens, my mom once said to me, “I don’t know if you will ever be happy with a boy enough to marry him. You’re too picky.” I guess I was at that age. My response to her was, “When I have parents who are so happy together it is hard to settle for less.” She laughed and told me their kind of marriage doesn’t happen overnight. She then told me of one of their biggest fights. “In that moment, I felt like I hated your dad.” Those words still strike me to the core. I needed to hear it, though.

I needed to know marriage was not what I saw in my favorite movies. Marriage is real life. Marriage is work. Marriage requires love and love is more than an emotion. As my mom said, marriage can stink at times–especially if you have young kids…

It is so true. You (sometimes) get tired, irritated, and not so nice. Your kids (sometimes) take a piece of you and your marriage because you just don’t have the time to connect. But there are other times while in the midst of the craziness you stop, look at your child, and smile because he is so much like your husband. Those qualities your child has are the same qualities that drew you to your husband. You then see your husband shaking his head and laughing at your other (loud) child who is just like you. Those are the moments you are reminded of how much you need each other. Those are the moments you thank God for your real life love.

There is no one on earth I’d rather grow old with. There is no one else I’d rather vent to when our kids are acting crazy. There is no one else I’d rather wake up next to. There is no one else I’d rather lean on when life gets the best of me. You’re it, you’re the guy for me. Thank you, Matt, for loving me through the best days and the worst. I look forward to saying, “I do” the rest of our days. XOXO
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September 20, 2016
Comfortable Life
I had too many thoughts running through my head and I couldn’t lie still anymore, so I got up. I sat covered in my warm blanket and drank my warm coffee while I simply got lost in my own mind. I felt comfortable. I was even thinking about how comfortable I felt. I began thinking about a comment someone said about a week ago. It struck me how comfortable my life really is and always has been.

I’m empathetic. I care about people, sometimes people say I care too much. I try to help those in need. I donate money. I give clothes to charity. I give time. My heart hurts for people. But I don’t give until it hurts. I don’t know if I know how, or if I can ever truly learn.

We always have extra money in the bank, too much food in the pantry, and many other luxuries. I’m looking down at my favorite t-shirt and know I wouldn’t give it away. I like it too much. Our house is not small and it is filled with stuff. Most of the stuff just sits without any true purpose. I type on my wireless keyboard and stare up at my Mac computer. I get frustrated when the batteries run low on my wireless mouse.

I shop at Whole Foods without thinking twice. I just ordered a dress from J.Crew for an upcoming wedding, although I have a closet full of dresses. To defend myself, I don’t always buy a new dress…and I have dresses from Target that I have worn to a wedding. I guess in defending myself, I just reaffirmed how entitled I really am. Because, I always have a dress to wear. I always have shoes on my feet, and I always have food to eat.

I’m a stay-at-home mom. We don’t really sacrifice too much for me to be. If Matt lost his job, I could easily find one. Maybe, we’d have to downgrade our house. But, we’d never go hungry. We’d never know what it meant to really struggle to survive. Say, for some crazy reason I couldn’t work either. I’m fairly certain we’d still never go hungry. We have family who would help us get back on our feet.

As a kid, I wanted to be a missionary. The idea fascinated me. I remember one of my old pastor’s sons who went on a long term mission trip with his wife. He came back a changed man. I listened to his testimony and I was inspired. I wanted his life. I still have never been on a mission, maybe one day I’ll go. The thing is, it is a luxury to go on a mission. I’d come back and have a hard time adjusting. I’d feel guilt. I’d listen to other people and get annoyed with how much they/we take for granted. Eventually, I would get comfortable again. I don’t think I’d ever forget. I would be a changed person. But, I’d still be comfortable. I always will be.

I don’t even know if I have a point to all of this. I am thankful for what I have. I feel blessed to be able to provide my kids a good life. I don’t want it taken away. I like being spoiled. I feel guilty, but never guilty enough. I know, I will always be a store trip away from a piece of chocolate. Does it make me a better person because I realize how spoiled I am? Probably not.
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September 10, 2016
To Live Like Geese
As I looked up through the fog I saw it. The geese were flying in a perfect v-formation. I wish I could have snapped a picture. I don’t know, there was something about the fog that made it more beautiful. Don’t laugh, but it kind of felt like a scene from a movie. I know, I know, my imagination gets the best of me.

I always have so much running through my mind and it is in those moments that it all comes together for me. I should clarify. I don’t always have movie scene moments. I promise my life is not that enchanting.

Anyway, I was sitting in my chair and thinking of the v-formation and the significance of it. When geese fly together each goose is just as important as the next. They all matter. The lead goose moves to the back to rest and another takes over. No one goose is expected to expend the most energy all the time.

It is together they reduce air resistance. They fly further and with less energy than they can alone.

Like the v-formation, the church (the body of believers) is there to reduce resistance of this world. We are called to. When we fall out of formation, we are not as strong. We can’t fly as far alone. We just can’t.

So yeah, we have a thing or two to learn from the life of geese. Who would have thought?
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September 9, 2016

christianity, faith, life
To Show the World
If you were the only church people knew, what would they see? Do they see you lying on a raft cruising along the current of the world? Are you someone who goes to church only out of duty, but who really lives just as they do? Do they see you as a pharisee? Are you someone who looks down on others who simply just don’t get it?

The other day, I had a a raft moment. We all do. I went along with the current and laughed at something I wouldn’t normally laugh at. Something straight up mean was said. I know we all say unkind things sometimes. But, there were no hurt feelings or emotion behind the words…it was just mean. Yet, I chuckled…mostly out of discomfort…because I couldn’t believe the words came out of this person’s mouth…but still.

I’m a nice person. Sometimes too nice to stop someone when they say something they shouldn’t say. I like being nice and intend to be nice until the day I die. I will continue to give more than I take. I will continue to care about people, even when they are unkind to me. Being kind gives me peace.

I need to show myself grace, but I also need to know when the Holy Spirit is trying to lead me.

I need to work on being around those people who say things I don’t want to listen to. I am allowed to put my hand up and stop someone when they say unkind things. I am allowed stand up to things. Because, what kind of church am I being when I don’t do anything?

Not the kind of church I want people to see.

The church I want people to see is the kind who gives grace generously. I need to give and receive grace, but still know I will always need to work on things. I want to welcome people regardless of their past and show them the hope we have in Christ.

I want people to know I will stand up for what is right, regardless of who is around. I want people to know it is okay to feel uncomfortable around things that are wrong.

The church, the real church, is strong and gentle. It is confident and humble. It loves the right way. Love is not walking on eggshells.

We all need to think more about the church we are showing to the world. The church is and should be relevant to us. And it can be more relevant to others if we show them the way. Many times we are the only church people will see. I ask again, what are you showing them?

In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

-Matthew 5:16
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September 5, 2016
The Shelter
I stepped outside to listen to the rain. Luke came out wrapped in a blanket to be with me. I saw the look in his eyes as he to soaked up the peace. No words were needed.

Oliver came running out, “You guys! Get in the house. It’s raining really bad.”

“Ollie, sweetie, it’s okay. The porch is covering us from the rain. See? We haven’t a drop of rain on us,” I replied.

Arms crossed he shook his head as he stood in the doorway for a minute to make sure we weren’t getting wet. Then he went back inside. He came out a few more times to make sure we were still dry. The last time he smiled as he knew his mommy’s words were true. The porch gave us shelter from the pouring rain.

In life, rain will fall. Many times we forget to sit in the shelter He provides. We forget about or doubt the peace we can have in the midst of the storm. We get scared and we try to control the rain as if we can stop it.

It is so hard to trust Him sometimes, I know it is. But, we have to remember the Word and the promise He gives. When life gets too hard to bear we need to rely on those God places in our lives as leaders, friends, and family to remind us. We need to regularly fall to our knees and pray not only when we are scared, but when we are happy too.

We need to see the shelter He provides; because it is always there. Always.

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

-Psalm 91:1
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August 28, 2016
Evolving and Regressing
I grew up thinking if I was a good person and didn’t make any mistakes nothing bad would happen to me. I blamed myself when bad things happened. If I didn’t do or think that one thing I wasn’t supposed to this surely would not have ever happened. I admit, there are still times I get caught up with this sort of thinking.

I go to the Word, I pray, and I am reminded of God’s love. I am reminded Christianity is not about perfection. We are all sinners and we can’t earn an untainted life in this crazy world we live in.

This world is crazy, isn’t it? But then, turn the pages of history and you will see it always has been. There are things about the present times that make me so very proud to be living in the now. There are things of past times I wish I could bring back. Our life expectancy and quality of life is better, but stress and anxiety seems to strike us all more than ever. Would you choose the simplicity of the good old days over the conveniences of today? Look at all the knowledge right at our fingertips. Then, think of the days we didn’t have all the distractions.

I think we will always be evolving and regressing simultaneously.

That is life in the sinful world. We can work all we want but sin will always emerge. I know people may not want to hear this and I truly am not a negative person (I’m usually too positive). But this is truth, guys. It is the reason we need to never give up trying to spread the gospel. We can never evolve enough to not need Christ. I’m not saying to throw our hands up and succumb to our sinful nature…of course we shouldn’t do that. We will never be perfect, though. Our lives will never be perfect!

I think of other religions and even some Christians (who totally miss the point of the cross…like I used to) and how they have to earn their salvation. No! Christ suffered and died on the cross because we suck and could never do it on our own. Yes, I just said we all suck. We really do. But, we have a God who still loves us despite our sucky-ness. When He looks at us He sees Christ…he really does. Which, we totally don’t deserve. So, let us all take a moment and thank the Lord for what He did for us.

The end.
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August 24, 2016
Our Fleeting Tears
It’s a warm but breezy day. Each time the cool air brushes my skin I can’t help but to close my eyes and take it all in. The Lord’s presence and peace envelope me. Even if for only a few minutes–I feel free to just be.

Everywhere I turn anymore there is pain. People are cruel. Disease strikes unexpectedly. War. Deceit. Fear. Death. This election! I could go on for days. People think they are fighting for the right thing, but all there is is hate in their hearts. The ones without all the hate are walking on eggshells to try to maintain peace. Sometimes I just want to scream out for it all to stop.

It is indeed inescapable in this world. It gets to me, but in this peaceful fleeting moment, I feel nothing but His love. My mind is open and a verse enters. I remember the first time I heard it. It was on a Sunday morning, the pastor told us to open our bibles to Revelation. I was taken aback since it was probably the first time I remember being asked to open to this book of the bible. It was such a mysterious and scary book to me at that age.

I was young, but I will never forget how the words made me feel. It was the first time His word moved me to tears. It was the first time I felt truly connected to God in a personal way.

This crazy world, this life we live is temporary. How easily we forget this. We tread through moments as if we will never get out.

He will return and all the pain in this world will be forgotten. All the things in your life causing so much turmoil won’t matter when we see His face….when He wipes away our tears.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

-Revelation 21:4
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August 17, 2016
Run the Race
I’ve been drained and a bit recluse as of late. I can go through the list of reasons why, but it doesn’t matter to most of you anyway. We all have things weighing us down and we all have mornings where our bed seems more appealing than the pew. Add to it that my kids were at Matt’s parents overnight. How often do I get to be lazy in the morning? So, yeah, I almost stayed in bed instead of going to church. Anytime I feel this way a voice tells me to push through it…guilt creeps up and I feel a pit in my gut.

I forcefully got myself looking presentable in about twenty minutes and rushed out the door. Because it truly never fails that it ends up being a message my little ears needed to hear. I think Satan plans it that way. He must sprinkle laziness dust over us in our sleep when he knows a message is going to move us.

Pastor spoke about our cloud of witnesses. I glanced at the cross. I pictured my grandmas and great-grandmas standing at the the foot of the cross yelling their own words of wisdom to me. Yes, I know I have quite the imagination. I especially focused in on my grandma Scott. She was telling me to keep going. It is like I could see her face and hear her voice.

Let go of it all. Don’t let the weight of this world slow you down.

She had such a quiet strength about her. Her head was always held high and always looking toward the cross. I think of things in her life and how she handled them. I think of things going on right now and wonder how she would handle them. With grace, faith, and a little bit of style…that is how she would handle things. I can see her throwing off all the things of life that hindered her (except for whatever piece of jewelry went with her outfit) and she would walk…not run…because I don’t think I ever saw her run. She would never stop walking the race.

We should never stop running the race (or walking if your not athletic). We just need to keep going . We need to keep our eyes on the prize, not on this crazy world.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

-Hebrew 12:1-3
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August 14, 2016