Through the Stillness

Baa Baa Booyah
I want to start out by saying I am no sheep expert. Not even close. The most I know about sheep is what I have read in the bible, been taught in Sunday School as a child, or have heard in sermons. They have no sense of direction. They don’t like being alone. If they fall and get in a certain position they can’t get out of it. We’ve heard the stories of sheep wandering, not being able to find water, or whatever else. We are told they are not the most intelligent animals. Then, we are compared to these animals right after we are told how dumb they are.

Hmmm, I don’t think God sees us as dumb or wants us to look at ourselves as such.

I mean I get it. We are sinners. We screw up. We can do dumb things. We are human. There is a certain sense of humility admitting these things. So, naturally we say we are dumb like sheep. Maybe we are wrong to say this. Maybe calling sheep dumb stems from worldly thinking. What the world sees as wise and strong is not the same as what the bible tells us is such. Maybe sheep aren’t so dumb after all.

Think about this:
1. Sheep know and follow their shepherds voice. They know it is better to follow their shepherd than to be in control of their own life. Don’t we all struggle with submitting to His will?
2. Sheep know it is better to stay with their flock. Yes, sometimes they get lost (don’t we all.) The point being is wandering away from the church, the body of believers, usually doesn’t turn out so well. This isn’t saying we shouldn’t be around people who don’t have faith. We need to love all people.
3. Sheep have four stomachs. Totally unrelated but crazy, huh?
4. Sheep know their weaknesses. Come on, if we all admitted our weaknesses and allowed God and others to lead us in places where we falter…whoa…we could accomplish so much more.
See where I am going with this? It takes a wise person to know following our Shepherd is the best way to live. Without a doubt, the wisest people I have known in my life were the ones who followed Him faithfully. Times when they got lost, they allowed our Shepherd to carry them on His shoulder to go back to the flock. Ultimately they knew how dumb they were being when they lost their sheeplike (humble) attitude. I don’t know about you, but I see sheep a little differently now. What a blessing it is to be a sheep. Baa baa booyah!
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January 25, 2017
The Fickleness of Life
I took this picture as I was driving one evening. It was New Years Eve to be exact. I know it was a bit risky, but there was something about the sky that night. It was in the clouds, the sun setting, and it was my contemplative mood. Maybe it was in my contemplative mood that made the sky more beautiful than usual. Though still, when I look at this picture I am drawn to it.

When I was in my late teens and early twenties I would go for drives out in the country when my mind was weary. I remember some of the moments that led me to grab my keys and go. They were all moments that grew me as a person. Moments I wouldn’t want to relive, but also moments I wouldn’t want to take back.

Nowadays, with kids, seldom do I find solace in the car. I use it as a time to connect and reconnect. We talk sometimes about life and faith. I turn up the tunes and jam with my kids. I listen to them converse with each other. We play I Spy. It is fun. Peaceful? Not so much.

I no longer have the freedom to take off as I please. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss it. It is yet another sacrifice I am willing to make as a parent.

I will get my car rides back some day. The peace and quiet…the scenery will soothe my weary mind. I will think of my car rides with the boys. I will hear the loudness and feel the chaos in my mind. It will then be those car rides I miss.

Funny how fickle we are.
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January 23, 2017
Unwrapped Present
Have you ever had an idea, a great idea, maybe even a brilliant idea that just sits there? You think about it and you may talk about it. It feels right. It feels straight from God. It lines up with scripture. You know you have the spiritual gifts and passion for it, but it sits there on your shelf in a neatly wrapped package, untouched. Well I have. I actually do right now. When I think about reaching out to unwrap and use it something stops me.

I used to daydream about it. Then I would get impatient and disappointed in myself for not doing something. I was almost convinced it was fear stopping me, but when I would reach out to grab it that something that stopped me felt right too. Makes sense, right? It was like I knew this was something I truly need to do, but also I knew it something I was not ready to do.

I prayed, prayed, and prayed some more. I was reminded of God’s timing. God does not live through the restraints of time like we do. A day, a month, a year doesn’t mean much as far as eternity goes. He is patient, he properly prepares us, he knows the plan we need to follow. Trust Him and His timing…know there is a time for urgency and there is a time to wait. Waiting is not a bad thing.

Someone once told me something I really need to remember every day of my life. It was something like this: God first, then your family, then your ministry (or God’s work), then everything else. When you get these out of order you will see it in every aspect of your life. So, maybe the reason why I haven’t been able to unwrap my present is because I had these a little mixed up. And I didn’t fully realize it. You probably don’t fully realize it. You are doing the best you think you can, you are doing good things, and you are a good person. You are just doing things out of order.

Through the busyness of life, we get swept away and Satan loves it. It is his best attack against us faithful God-fearing ones. He knows we aren’t going to stop believing in God and trying to do His work, so he tries messing with the order in which we should follow. Next time you have that great idea and it seems to just sit there, try looking at the order in which you are following. Maybe all you need to do is move things around a bit and God will help unwrap your present when the time is right.
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January 14, 2017

christianity, faith, life, trusting God
Soon You’ll be Forty Years Old…
Matthew,

I cannot believe your fortieth birthday is next week. When I think of when we first met and then think of our life now it amazes me. I think of all the years in between…everything we’ve been through…wow. We really are doing this. We really are continuously building a life together, for better or worse. I think we have seen both. It is inevitable there will be good times and bad. Life. That is life.

I remember our early days of flirting by tossing pumpkin guts (Is that what you call it?) at each other. Who would’ve thought after all these years that we’d be married with two kids? I’ll never forget the summer we spent at the beach. We pretty much lived moment to moment. I won’t share all our memories on here, but those are just a couple that I go back to when life gets crazy.

All I know is that there is no one else on earth who knows me and loves me like you do. Anytime you ask me to write a blog or remind me I haven’t in a while, I am reminded how much you care about me. You are a good person, Matt. Don’t you ever forget that.

Time seems to speed up the older we get, it really does. It will seem as only a few moments have passed before I am thinking, soon I’ll be forty years old. I don’t like to think about myself as being forty, but as long as you are by my side I will be just fine.

Before we know it, our kids will be grown and forty will seem young. I cannot wait to see you as a grandfather. Heck, maybe we will even have a granddaughter. How weird would that be to have a girl in our life?

Oh my and then before we know it, we will retire. I’m seeing us as snowbirds for sure. A nice condo on a beach somewhere? We’ll be walking along the beach and I will turn to you and say, “My dear, soon you’ll be seventy years old. Where did the time go?” You will lean down, kiss my forehead and say, “I don’t know, babe. Did I take me medicine this morning?”

XOXO
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January 12, 2017

christianity, Family, life, love, marriage, parenting
STOP AND PUT YOUR SHOES ON!
I kept going. I felt a pulling in me to stop. Just stop and be still, Stacy. But, I didn’t. I just got frustrated. Frustration led to stagnation and self-doubt. I always strive for growth in life–I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t growing.

It was then, I called out to the One who I should have sought in the first place. It was as though I felt His hands on my shoulders forcing me to stop. I stopped. I breathed. I let go.

I began to pray more fervently. The sermon on the following Sunday was for me, it really was. God was telling me what I needed to hear. He never left me. He was there all along telling me to stop. I just refused to follow His lead. I was like a toddler running away from their parent who was only trying to get them to stop long enough to get their shoes on so they could get out the door.

I forgot the importance of getting ready before my next adventure. Duh. My feet need shoes if I am going to run the race marked out for me.
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January 11, 2017
Beauty
Once upon a time, there was a monster named Beauty. The other monsters in town laughed and made fun of her. Because, truly, who has ever met a monster with such a name? You see, Beauty’s mom held a secret that most monsters do not know, or even care to know. I’ll tell you this secret in just a minute.

I am certain by now you are wondering the obvious. What did Beauty look like? Was she the fairest of all the monsters? She certainly was not. She looked like a monster, of course. Her ears were made of leaves. Her teeth were gnarly and yellow. She belched a lot, was by no means graceful, and she always had dirt under her fingernails. The only thing pretty about her was a blue and white bow she wore on her head.

One day, on her way home from Gross Skills School, Beauty watched two monsters growling at a little human girl. Beauty felt something inside of her she could not quite understand. This something was surely something they never taught her at school. It grew the longer she watched and it grew to the point she could no longer remain crouched behind the stinky garbage can.

She stood up and ran over as quick as she could. The little human girl was trembling. The monsters were laughing. Tears streamed down Beauty’s cheeks. She didn’t know what made her do this, she didn’t even know what it was called. Her arms wrapped around the little human girl and she gently squeezed. She whispered, “It’s okay, don’t pay attention to them. I will protect you.”

The other monsters did not know what to make of any of this. They ran off yelling, “We’re telling Mr. Pimple on you. You’ll for sure get kicked out of Gross Skills School.”

“Thank you, monster. I never knew monsters could be so kind. What is your name?” The little human girl asked.

“My name is Beauty. What is your name?”

“Beauty is a perfect name for you. My name is Penelope. Maybe we can play someday.”

“Maybe we can,” Beauty said.

The two hugged again and then parted ways. Beauty went home feeling happy, but also sad and confused. She went straight to her room and sat on her bed made of stinky socks. She was afraid she’d be in big trouble when her mom found out what had happened. After a while, her mom came in and sat next to her.

“Beauty, what’s wrong? You never even ate your snack of sour milk and moldy grapes.”

“Mom, something happened today and I’m just so confused.”

Beauty told her mom everything. Her mom patted Beauty’s head and said, “Well, my dear, that is why I named you Beauty. I knew from the moment our eyes met that you were no ordinary monster. I saw your beauty, I felt your beauty. It was then I realized beauty is about the love you hold inside your heart for others. It is about embracing that love regardless of what everyone else is doing. Don’t ever let the monsters of this world tell you otherwise.”

The End

(This is dedicated to my beautiful niece who drew this picture and asked me to write a story about a monster.)
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January 1, 2017

kindness, life, love
Hiding Spots
I remember this time when I was a child. I was under my parent’s bed. I was just lying there feeling completely content in the confined area. I remember the wood frame and how I thought it needed to be sanded. I rubbed my fingers across it sure that I would catch a splinter. It was peaceful under there, away from the loudness of my family. I was in my own world, all alone with my imagination. I even remembered thinking how odd it was that I liked it there.

I used to find solitude whenever I could, wherever I could. I didn’t understand why I craved it so. I had hiding spots in my closet, in the basement, outside in the woods. Some I remember vividly, others not so much. What I do remember with all are the feelings of peace I felt. It wasn’t that I did not enjoy being around others. No, I had quite the carefree childhood, full of joy and laughter. My parents took us on little adventures and I loved to play with others. It was that I needed both even though I didn’t know I did. I was self-aware long before I could understand what self-aware was. I needed time to dream and to reflect. I guess I was an old soul, I guess I still am.

As a teen, I outgrew my hiding spots. I stopped dreaming and reflecting. I stopped hiding. I wandered through my days and ignored my inner voice telling me to find a place to hide and dream. It wasn’t cool to do so and so I didn’t. I dabbled with a dream a bit here and there. I wrote and obtained enough peace to get by. It wasn’t enough, though. But, hey at least I was cool.

And then, I grew up…at least I thought I did. I worked full-time and went to nursing school full-time. My first college English Composition class awakened me. My professor was like, “Hey, you’re an awesome writer. You really are.” My classmates said the same. I thought, yes I always have been. I was just in a slumber for a bit. I never wanted to share my real writing before unless I had to. So, I began to hide again. I hid wherever I pleased. All I had to do was grab a paper and pen and I was lost in my own world. My peace came back, my dreams came back, I came back.

Now, that I am really grown up I hide when I get a chance, when my husband and kids aren’t in need of me. I embrace my way of finding peace and so does my love. He even bought me a new laptop, aka hiding spot, for Christmas. We are sitting across from each other right now together, yet hiding. Gotta love two introverts together!
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December 28, 2016

introvert, life, writing
From a Manger to a Cross
I apologize to anyone who read my post last year…or other similar ones, but things lay heavy on me and what else am I to do? I feel there is more depth this year than last and am wondering next year if it is possible to transcend further into whatever it is you’d call it that I feel post-Christmas.

Life starts shifting back to normal. My kids are exhausted. My house is a disaster. I’m exhausted as well. I’m a bit of an introvert. I absolutely love people, I love to be around people. I also need and crave calm and quiet at times. I need both. I need time to reflect and get lost in my own mind. When there are many things I need to get done, like before Christmas, it sucks my energy. I become a bit recluse trying to do what needs to be done. Plus, this year I was sick and couldn’t rest trying to get it all done. I feel like I need to buy a t-shirt that says, “Sorry, I really do like you, but I’m peopled out.”

I am looking at the heaps of gifts scattered throughout our house and tell myself I’ll organize it later. I feel grateful for my family and for my husband’s family. We both have pretty low drama and intact families, at least compared to the norm. My kids are shown love and it is almost too normal for them to have the best of everything. I do my best to show them how blessed they are for all these things. We give back and I allow the boys to to be a part of choosing where and how we do so.

Obviously, I want to have my good life. Who wouldn’t? I feel blessed and I thank God for all we have. But, I feel a pulling inside me that just keeps growing. When did it start? I think it has always been there my entire life. It is just that sometimes I feel it to the point it physically hurts. I see what I have and I see what others don’t have and it makes me sad. The older I get the more I see and feel it.

Lately, I don’t think it is enough to just recognize it. It isn’t enough to donate clothes and old toys. It isn’t enough to donate money, goats, and so on to the poor. It just doesn’t feel like I’m dong enough. No, I’m not going to give up all we have to go wander the streets with my family to make myself feel better. I truly don’t know what I feel like I should be doing. I’m in this praying, waiting, praying stage. I’m practicing what I preach to others. Give it to God and wait on His answer.

I sit here staring out my window and reflect on the life of Jesus. It began in manger, a feeding trough. It ended on a cross, Him literally nailed to it. Everything in between the two was not a life fit for a king. Yet He is the King of Kings. Through the world’s eyes, no one would ask for such a life. He was not rich or powerful. He lived a life full of sacrifice. I think about sin and how we easily can sin on a daily basis. There are sins we fight daily and it takes great sacrifice not to succumb to at times. Think of all the sacrifices He made to live a sinless life. We know He was tempted. Yet He chose a path we could never. We are too weak to live a life such as His.

We rely on grace and many times take it for granted. We chew on the bread and sip the wine. We know what a blessing and gift it is to partake in. Yet most times, at least to a certain extent, Monday morning comes around and we fall right back into worldly thinking. We may read the Word and try to teach our kids the best we can. We send our prayers. We serve in the church. But, we don’t love our neighbors as we should and we surely don’t spread the gospel as we should. We don’t step out of our comfort to live the life God is calling us to.

The crazy part is God loves us despite all of this!

We know this because He sent His son to live a life we could never live and to die a horrible death to save us from ourselves. We are saved because of our King who began His life in a manger and ended it on a cross. He lived that life and here I am living my easy peasy one…and it doesn’t quite seem right.
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December 27, 2016

christianity, Christmas, church, faith, Family, God, Jesus, life, peace
My Shield and Thorn
I love to help people. It is something deeply rooted, so deeply rooted, I believe it takes up the largest part of my personality. I care for people to the point it hurts. It’s the thing I cannot change. It’s the thing I look for in others and cannot understand when they could care less about helping others. How can you not want to help?

I get frustrated when I see people who refuse to help when it is needed. Those are the times I bite my tongue, those are the times I pray for understanding. Most times, I see the reason why. Sometimes all I see is a hardened (selfish) heart. Then I pray to understand the pain that caused their heart to harden. I pray and even when the understanding doesn’t follow, I tend to let go. It does eat away at me when I cannot see the cause. But, it eats away at me more when I have harsh feelings toward a person.

Does the inability to stay frustrated–the wanting to always see the why behind the negative make me weak? Maybe it does. Maybe I am too kind and too sensitive. I may be one who gets walked over my entire life. The thing is, I accept this “weakness” God has given to me. I know it is better than holding hate in my heart. It’s better than always being disappointed in people.

It is a struggle to stand firm in my kindness, knowing it as both a strength and weakness. I will always pray for understanding within myself and within others as well. I will always hold some doubt and over-think this part of me. Satan will continue to use this against me. He’s mean like that.

It isn’t always easy and I fail at times to place my trust in God. Despite my stubborn ways, He never fails to bring me back to the truth. My kindness is my shield and my thorn. It is more a beautiful shield, though, in this sometimes ugly world.

What is your shield and thorn?
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December 22, 2016

christianity, God, life, love, struggles
Whiny Moment
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

~John 1:5

2016 has not been the best year of my life. It may be the only year where I can say I have had more losses than gains. I had a cousin, who always felt more like an uncle to me, who killed himself. I have an Aunt who died in a disturbing way and it still makes me cry anytime I think of it. I lost a friend and I cannot even describe the pain associated with all of that. There are the things I choose to keep unmentionable as well.

I have experienced so much hurt this year and one positive thing I can say is my faith has not weakened.

I’m not sure what 2017 holds. Will it be better or worse? Who knows.

God recently reminded me that through it all He will not leave me or forsake me…which happens to be my confirmation verse. I feel a pull in me to embrace my kindness even more and not to allow the things of this world change who He made me to be. I feel I can continue on with a smile on my face.

It is okay to rely on Him and not look to the world for strength.

When someone refuses to see me for who I am it doesn’t change who I am. It never will… unless I allow it.

Sometimes those who you think are there for you, really aren’t. I have to love them regardless. God keeps reminding me it is them and their deep pains that life has thrown at them…it isn’t me.

Oh, I feel better after whining. Thanks, blog!
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December 21, 2016