I pulled my hair back into my usual low messy bun, removed my sunglasses, and peered into the opening of the cave. My hands tightly held my treasured designer sunglasses that hid tired eyes on my busiest days. I remembered the day I bought them and the false sense of accomplishment I felt wearing them. I wanted to rid myself of all of that and so I quickly tossed them into the tall grass behind me.
I stood staring into the never-ending darkness. I took a deep breath and stepped inside. A light sweeping breeze tickled my skin. I heard the whisper, the whisper from within, calling me to continue. It was the same whisper telling me to leave behind my fierce independent ways. It assured me perfection is a weak and fragile state. It reminded me real strength lies in the mess. It lies in being content with your mess and with your limitations.
I was frightened, yet determined. I thought of the steps that led me there. I was in my early twenties. The noise of busyness, the layers of self-made sludge, the wounds of days past had drowned out the whisper. I wanted nothing more than to listen and embrace it once again. I was never meant to live that life. I was meant to live my life. So, one day I stopped. I just stopped, pretty much dropped, and couldn’t move any further into the life I created. A life I worked so hard at maintaining the image of perfection and self-sufficiency. It was then I saw brave was not nonstop trying and doing and living the “good” life. Brave was standing where I was that moment. Brave was stepping inside my own cave.
I took another deep breath and didn’t look back. It felt like the first few moments after jumping into a pool. There was a shocking cold that quickly transformed into a refreshment for my weary soul. My eyes adapted and light appeared. The outside noises soon diminished. I began shoveling through the sludge. I came across my wounds, some I healed and some I simply acknowledged. There was nothing else between me and the whisper from within. It was like a long lost friend I hadn’t seen in years. We embraced and cried and fell right back into the old rhythm of things. I fell back inline and freed myself from the pressures of this world.
There are times, will always be times, I wander outside the bounds of my life. I find my way back to my cave, I do the work all over again. I know that life isn’t real, it isn’t sincere, it isn’t mine. It is built on pressure and duty and pushing past limitations I was never meant to push past. No one is made to do it all, to try it all, to go and go and go until you drown out the voice from within. So just stop and go inside your cave. You won’t regret it. I haven’t.
The air doesn’t fill my lungs,
as it did in the past.
My body aches.
Every step I take is slower.
I hear a voice.
I reach out.
All I feel is empty space.
I close my eyes and pray.
His Word fills the emptiness.
I let out my last breath.
I am free.
New air fills my lungs.
The pain is gone.
My path is clear.
My steps are boundless.
This truth is where,
my peace is found.
I no longer live,
it is He who lives in me.
Through the power,
through His endless love.
I am brought back to life,
time and time again.
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
Have you ever had an idea, a great idea, maybe even a brilliant idea that just sits there? You think about it and you may talk about it. It feels right. It feels straight from God. It lines up with scripture. You know you have the spiritual gifts and passion for it, but it sits there on your shelf in a neatly wrapped package, untouched. Well I have. I actually do right now. When I think about reaching out to unwrap and use it something stops me.
I used to daydream about it. Then I would get impatient and disappointed in myself for not doing something. I was almost convinced it was fear stopping me, but when I would reach out to grab it that something that stopped me felt right too. Makes sense, right? It was like I knew this was something I truly need to do, but also I knew it something I was not ready to do.
I prayed, prayed, and prayed some more. I was reminded of God’s timing. God does not live through the restraints of time like we do. A day, a month, a year doesn’t mean much as far as eternity goes. He is patient, he properly prepares us, he knows the plan we need to follow. Trust Him and His timing…know there is a time for urgency and there is a time to wait. Waiting is not a bad thing.
Someone once told me something I really need to remember every day of my life. It was something like this: God first, then your family, then your ministry (or God’s work), then everything else. When you get these out of order you will see it in every aspect of your life. So, maybe the reason why I haven’t been able to unwrap my present is because I had these a little mixed up. And I didn’t fully realize it. You probably don’t fully realize it. You are doing the best you think you can, you are doing good things, and you are a good person. You are just doing things out of order.
Through the busyness of life, we get swept away and Satan loves it. It is his best attack against us faithful God-fearing ones. He knows we aren’t going to stop believing in God and trying to do His work, so he tries messing with the order in which we should follow. Next time you have that great idea and it seems to just sit there, try looking at the order in which you are following. Maybe all you need to do is move things around a bit and God will help unwrap your present when the time is right.
If you ask why I do certain things, then just look at these two faces. If you ask why I don’t do certain things, then just look at these two faces. Becoming a parent has made me more selfless than ever before. It has brought out a side of me I never knew existed. Parts of me that had lain dormant since my own childhood have reemerged. These two have brought me more life and joy than I can ever describe.
When either of them tell me I am the best mom ever, I know without a doubt they actually believe it. That is why I will never stop trying to live up to those words. Yes, I forgive myself when I mess up. I use those as teachable moments to let them know to forgive themselves as well when they mess up. I brush off my mistake and try try again. It is all a part of the deep love I have for them.
If anything, I pray my kids will look back on their childhood and know I never gave up on them…
As of late, we have gotten swept up in the busyness of life. It shows it every detail of our family life. I think we all realized it last week, even my four-year-old. This past Friday, Matt took Oliver up to his family’s cabin for the night. I decided to have a date night with Luke. It seriously could not have come at a better time. We all needed it. It was a reminder of how much we need to do that more often.
So it is with life. We must stop and take breaks before life gets the best of us. I tell my kids that all the time. They don’t totally get it yet, but hopefully they will one day.
Anyway, these two faces are why I have more peace in life. God gave me them to open my eyes to what life is suppose to be about. Guess what? Life is not about me. It isn’t about you, either. It is not about winning an argument. It is not about outwitting someone. It is definitely not about competing or one-upping anyone.
Life is about loving God. It is about the love you hold for others. It is about what happens as a result of the love you hold. Ain’t nobody got time for anything else…at least I know I don’t. (Yes, I know ain’t is not a word.)
Every morning as I rise, I am reminded of the two roads. One road is vast. So vast, there are times I forget where it ends.
It is appealing. It is easy. It is whatever I want it to be. It is always changing. It is the road traveled on by most.
The other road is narrow. I know where it leads. It never changes. It is hard at times, as there is a pulling in all directions from the vast road trying to snatch me away.
The vast road is selfish and doesn’t really love me. It gives me not what I need, only what I think I want. And what I think is usually wrong.
Even though I stumble the narrow road never forsakes me. It never holds a grudge as the vast road does. It carries me when I am weak.
I know, oh how I know by grace alone, through faith alone the narrow road widens. It gives me all I need. It gives me the only real peace I will ever know.
It is the ultimate gift I truly don’t deserve. By His sacrifice, I get to walk along this narrow road because it leads me home. It is my blessed assurance.
I have just had a rough day today. I can’t or don’t even want to explain it. There is so much on my mind and just too much going on that has worn me down. (Insert crazy face.) I don’t even know. I hate complaining and I hate talking about these things. Sometimes I feel I don’t have the right person to talk to. I have people that I trust…but sometimes I don’t want to burden them.
I went to bible study this morning and usually that gives me peace. Not today. No, all I wanted to do is leave. I never feel that way.
Then, there’s the kid who is having a rough time adjusting to summer. I truly think I need to make a schedule for him. Maybe that would give him the sense of order he needs. He gets himself in trouble. He doesn’t act like himself when there is any change. I guess that is something I will always struggle with when it comes to him because I am the complete opposite. I can adapt to change like a champ. Maybe I need to start meeting him in the middle more.
I feel like lately I have been saying, “Ugh life!” way too often. You know, this happened to this person and that is happening to that person is all I keep hearing. I know it will all pass. It is just it feels like it all happens at the same time!
So, I ordered new shoe racks and they arrived today. Exciting isn’t it? The boys always love playing with boxes like all kids do. Today they played delivery man. First up was Luke hiding in the box, then Oliver, and then crayons. When they told me I had one last delivery, I figured it would be something like dirty socks or something. They assured me it would be the best delivery ever. It really was the best delivery ever––my bible. Needless to say, my mood changed instantly.
Life is going to be life. Things get rough, busy, overwhelming, sad, irritating, and so on. But then we get these little moments that remind us of the best delivery ever. We don’t even need to pay for this delivery, well maybe you do need to pay for a bible…it isn’t ok to steal. But what is free is his love. He is always there for us and His word is always there to turn to.
I’m a bit behind on laundry. Well, actually I am more than a bit behind. I’m more like four loads behind. But, we have clean towels. Matt has clean work clothes and the rest of our closets have plenty to choose from as well. Maybe it means we just have too many clothes. Or it means…and it means (?) I have better things to do.
Yesterday the boys and I picked up the house. It was clean, not super tidy, just clean. Then we went to the park. I watched them play at the playground and then we went exploring in the woods. Luke wanted to find something unusual. We ended up getting a little lost (because I’m me). On our adventure we found a creaky tree. Like literally it was creaky. I was waiting for it to fall over or something. We also heard another very unusual noise further down the trail. I still cannot figure out what it was. The boys got scared and clung to me and it took all I had to keep my giggles contained.
Today, Luke was a bit under the weather. I set Oliver up with a movie and I sat with Luke because he didn’t want to be alone. My house is clean, not super tidy, just clean. Maybe since I am a stay at home mom, I should keep things cleaner than I do. But then, I cannot. Tidiness makes me anxious.
I like balance, not perfection.
I like to go to bed at night knowing I chose to spend time with my family. I love to make memories. I believe you can raise responsible kids and show them there are more important things than having everything in order all the time. I don’t want my kids to get anxious when life is out of order. To me, that is no way to live.
My kids do chores. They see our house clean and they see our house not so clean. They help me make dinner and they have a dance party with me in the kitchen at the same time. Our neighbors may look through the windows thinking were nuts, but I don’t care. Because we also read, do homework, pray together, talk, clean, build, do yard work, run, make messes, and then clean up all over again. I know my way of life is not for everyone, but it’s definitely for me!