Through the Stillness

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  • It is never easy.

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    Luke has been asking to take piano lessons. We had a few things going on and said this spring/summer we would get him started. I decided to start looking a couple weeks ago. Oh, but wait. With his eye disorder he will require more energy than just picking up the phone and setting up a lesson.  So the search began to find someone with at least a little experience with someone with special needs. Especially at first to get him acquainted with the basics.

    Today, I finally found a piano instructor.  I spoke with her over the phone and it took all I had not to cry happy tears.  He has his first lesson next week.  She had so much excitement in her voice, true excitement, so I know it is a good fit. I cannot tell you how much weight is now off my shoulders.

    It is never easy when you have a kid with special needs.  I am not writing this looking for sympathy.  I just don’t think people are aware of how hard it is. Constant worry and researching. Making sure his IEP is being followed through.  Building his confidence. Loving him but trying not to baby him too much.  I know in many ways we have babied him too much and now we are trying to reverse that a bit. It is so hard.  I just want the best for him.  I just want him to have a good life.  Deep down I know he will.  He is a strong person with a sometimes too strong personality.

    My Luke has a limitless way of thinking and living.  He wants to try it all.  I want him to try it all. I don’t want any of his struggles to slow him down.  But, not everyone is able to accommodate him.  It doesn’t seem fair.  But then, it isn’t fair to expect others to step up and make extra effort for one kid.  But, I so want them to. But, not everyone is equipped for that.

    It always takes more effort, which of course I am willing to give. I have to worry about showing my youngest attention as well.  We do a lot more for Luke and I don’t ever want Oliver to feel left out. From what I have heard it is inevitable.  He will feel we do more for Luke because we will always have to do more for Luke. It is a sad reality we as a family have to deal with and make the best of.

    I know there are people who have children with greater needs than Luke. I know I am blessed in many ways. Still, it is never easy.

     

     

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    May 17, 2016
    Family, life, ocular albinism, parenting

  • Be Still

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    A few weeks ago someone I consider close said something hurtful to me.  I cannot stop thinking about it.  It was one of those things the more I think about it, the more it bothers me.

    Be still…

    My grandpa had a quintuple bypass surgery.  I’ve been so scared to lose him.  I am not ready for that.

    Be still…

    I feel our lives have been so busy.  We can’t get caught up on the little things.

    Be still…

    I am not sure why, maybe from busyness, there’s a loneliness creeping in.

    Be still…

    I know not everyone will agree, but there seems to be so many changes in the world and  I don’t like them.

    Be still…

    So many I know and love are hurting.

    Be Still…

    (The list goes on and on.)

    But then, I think of my kids and how much they mean to me.

    There’s the stillness…

    Their faces lit up when their dad, my husband pulled into the driveway.

    There’s the stillness…

    I hear my husband’s laugh.

    There’s the stillness…

    Our nighttime routine, our family prayers, our ever-growing traditions, our love.

    There’s the stillness

    I look and see my completely marked up (falling apart) bible.

    There’s the stillness…

    My knowing when I’m scared, or when someone is hurtful toward me, when life gets crazy, or when I worry about loved ones, when I miss loved ones, or when Satan tries pulling me down I know where to turn.  I know because He whispers to me…

    Be still and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10)

     

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    May 13, 2016
    christianity, faith, Family, Jesus, life, love, praying, trusting God

  • Fly

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    If…

    We want to instill a strong faith in our kids.  We want them to stand up for their faith and not be ashamed.  We want them to have eternal life.

    Then…

    Why do adults not live the faith we would want our kids to have?  Why are we ashamed to strongly stand up for our beliefs?  Why are we so quiet in our worship (daily lives)?

    I feel like I’ve been shoved in a cage.  Have faith but don’t fly.  Don’t share your faith too strongly or else you’ll be judged.  Water it down girl.  Just water it down.

    The thing is that I don’t want to water it down.  I believe that is what child-like faith is supposed to be like.  I feel a joy that hurts when I don’t let it out.  I feel the power of the Holy Spirit in my life.  I am grateful for all He does in my life. I want others, especially my kids, to see His love through me.

    That’s all.

     

     

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    May 12, 2016

  • Reminder

    This morning was one of those not so fun mornings all parents experience. I woke up realizing today was the day Luke needed his costume for a Spanish video. I thought I had another day to find the top. I felt horrible! (I did end up finding it.) Then, Oliver colored his entire body with marker to get into whatever character he was trying to be and of course we all needed to get ready and so on. Five minutes before Luke needed to be at the bus stop, he opened up his art kit. I told him he needed to get out the door and he wouldn’t listen. Anyway, he came over to me with a marker, grabbed my hand and did this. “Mommy, I think you need this reminder today.” He gave me a hug and left for school.

    Life will never be perfect and we will never be perfect. In those not so great moments we need to take a deep breath and remember His love and sacrifice on the cross. Thanks for the reminder, Luke!
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    May 4, 2016
    christianity, cross, faith, Family, God, Jesus, life, love

  • The Little One

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    He watched as his brother climbed up the tree with ease.  I snapped some pictures and then Luke ran off to find a bigger tree to climb. Oliver’s eyes stared up at me with a hint of sadness. He turned his eyes back to his big brother who was laughing and confidently climbing his next quest.

    “Come here.  I’ll lift you up,” I said to Oliver.

    His eyes lit up, “Really, Mommy?”

    I picked him up and placed him in the tree.  He slowly stood up with my guidance and I snapped a picture.

    I don’t think there is anything else to add…the look on his face says it all.

     

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    April 30, 2016

  • Always With Me

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    All before my eyes and the ridge behind is the spot my husband picked out for us. One day we will bring our grandkids here, I thought. I stood still and the rest of the world seemed to fade away. There were five adults and my two boys preparing to plant trees on the ridge directly behind me, but even their voices turned to faint whispers…

    My husband is a patient man. He took his time picking and finding the spot on his uncle’s land. I was just ready and impatient and wanted to tell him to pick a spot to get it over with. Everyone else had been able to work on their spots and we helped…and it was nice but I wanted our own spot!  But that is not how Matt is with decisions.  I am so glad he is patient.  Because we would not have gotten this spot.  He wanted it to be the right spot, not just any spot.

    I realized, as I snapped this picture that Matt’s patience in these matters is so much of a Christ-like trait.  Matt would probably shake his head no if I said this to his face…but really it is.  Christ does not want us to just settle. He wants us to be patient in every aspect of our lives. Patience is a part of following God’s will. I am thankful my husband reminded me of this…although he did not intentionally do so.

    I had more than one moment this weekend where I felt His loving arms wrap around me. Truly,  nature has a way of forcing you to be still and feel His presence. I was walking in the woods, Oliver came running up to hold my hand. “I want to walk with you. Didn’t you hear me calling your name?”

    I didn’t hear him because I was distracted by my own thoughts. But as his little hand grasped mine, my worries went away.  We walked and talked…his eyes looked up to mine…I felt how safe he feels with me…and I felt God’s love through Oliver’s touch. In this world we will feel lonely…even in places we feel we should not. We need to remember God is always calling us closer.  He is always right there wanting to walk with us.  His hand is always there to be held––and He is always a safe place.

     

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    April 26, 2016

  • Quick Thought

    Do not allow your church to become your religion, instead your religion should become your church.

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    April 25, 2016

  • Overgrown Grass

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    One of my favorite things to do is look at pictures. My fondest memory consists of sitting on the floor at my great grandma’s house and going through photo albums. It was what I looked forward to the most when we went for a visit.  I loved the stories that went along with each picture. More though, I loved that the pictures themselves said more than what the spoken stories told.

    I happen to like taking pictures as well. I am no photographer, but, there is something that happens to me when I am behind the camera: I feel inspired and I feel as though I become part of something larger than ordinary life. Maybe I should take some courses to improve my skills, or maybe I should just continue not thinking and just snap away not worrying about the result.

    I do not remember where this particular photo was taken or why I even decided to take the shot. I see nothing except overgrown grass and darkness.  I wonder what my thoughts were at the time.  I wonder why I was standing in the midst of overgrown grass. Was I trying to take a picture of something that merely was hidden in the darkness past the power of my lens’ ability?

    Funny how often in life beyond the camera I do the same. I get caught up in trying to see into the darkness––instead of focusing on the overgrown grass I am in the midst of…

    Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

    ~Matthew 6:34

     

     

     

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    April 20, 2016
    christianity, faith, God, life, photography, trusting God

  • Fight the Fear

    As I look back at my last two posts, it may appear as though I am living in fear.  I am not. I mean, sometimes I think of the things of this world and am worried about raising kids in a world with such complex issues.  I get worked up over it all and threaten to pull my kids out of public schools if they institute co-ed bathrooms.  I am sure it will happen.  So yes, I do have some fear, but I fight it. I will continue to trust God. I will continue to remind myself it is better to think of these things as being wrong than to conform to the ways of this world.

    I was at a theological conference on Saturday and one of the speakers said something along the lines of this: “God has us here (the present state of the world) for a reason. It can be invigorating.”  God is in control of the situation.  Remember that. Another great quote, it was from Stonewall Jackson, was this: “Duty is ours, consequences are God’s.”

    So…God has us here for a reason.  He knows why we are here.  It is not our job to sit and try to figure out why.  It is our job (duty) to follow God’s will in our lives and not think of the consequences such as what people may think, how people may react, or what the outcome may be.

    The end.

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    April 19, 2016

  • Rambling. Unwinding my mind. Vacation

    Every so often my mind gets wound up so tight I almost cannot form a full thought.  I know the triggers and I know the cure.  Writing.  Writing is my therapy.  The problem arises when I simply do not have the time to do so. When life gets hectic, I need to do a better job at taking care of myself.  We were on vacation and I did not write once.  Then we got back I found myself busy trying to get my little peeps back in their normal routines.

    Maybe I need to start bringing a pad of paper and pen with me when I go on vacation. Sometimes all it takes is twenty minutes of writing.  Instead of being in my present state of mind where I feel as though it will take a couple days of writing sessions to unwind my mind.  I should know better by now.  It is all a huge part of being my introverted self. When I do not take care of myself I become more introverted.  I feel as though my introversion is a strength…until moments like this.  Which I guess we all have things that become weaknesses when not channeled properly.

    Enough of that nonsense.

    Vacation was nice.  My parents live out of state and we went to visit them.  We did just about all of my favorite things. Beach.  Pool time.  Horseback riding, which rekindled my love of horses. Hanging out and taking care of animals at the ranch.  Spending time with my parents.  Watching my parents spend time with my boys.  Here are some pictures…

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    April 12, 2016

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