Through the Stillness

Not intentional on my end, but I was yet again stuck in a slow line at the store. It was for different reasons. The lady in front of me didn’t think her coupons went through and the cashier couldn’t find that they had either. A manager was called over and found that the coupons had gone through. Once they are swiped, it just shows up higher on the screen. Anyhow, there was a man behind me that had just a couple items in his cart. He kept looking for a different line. I turned to him and said he could go in front of me.

He thanked me and said he just cannot bring himself to use the self-pay checkouts because he was a Luddite. He is resistant to too much technology. He shook his head as he spoke of the complications with technology and how he liked it when things were simple. I nodded my head and agreed. He has a point.

Technology has its place in this world, it surely does. But, why does it feel like it is becoming a stronger force than the human race at times? I know, I know, I sound dramatic. But am I really being that dramatic? People choose their smartphones and tablets over the people sitting right next to them all the time.

I’m going to stop right here…

I was pretty excited to find a line at the busy grocery store that had just one person checking out. You know that feeling, right? I bet you also know the feeling when you realize you picked the wrong line at the store. Like I said, I was pretty excited. I was able to immediately begin to unload my cart. I got about a quarter of the way unloaded when I had to wait for more room. I stood with a few things in hand waiting and watching. Everything moved soooooo slooooow. I kept my positive attitude, though. Maybe the cashier was having a hard time with something. I eventually saw the truth. She was just sloooow and I was stuck. Because, come on, I’m not going to reload my cart and find a new line. That would be mean. I would just stand there and wait––and complain in my head.

It finally was my turn. A lady behind me stood and waited and watched for a few minutes. She saw how sloooow the cashier was and decided to find a new line. Another lady came up and waited and watched. Same thing, she left for a new line. Man came. Same thing, he was out. I saw a supervisor or manager person walk past a few times watching her sloooowly do her job. So, instead of my eyes darting all over the store in boredom, I began watching her work. She never looked up, never stopped working, and wasn’t messing anything up.

Her small, shaky hands struggled to get the plastic bags apart. My impatience turned into understanding. “Those bags always seem to stick, don’t they?” She chuckled and said they do. She looked up, smiled, and continued working. It took her a very long time, but she finished. I swiped my card and it asked on the screen if I was satisfied with the check out time. No, was my first instinct. Then I changed my mind and pressed yes. I was satisfied because it made me stop and think.

We all need to slooow the you-know-what down. We expect too much from people. We want speed and we want perfection. I’m not just talking about wanting to find the fastest lines. We hurry with everything. We want the fast track. We want what we want when we want it. We want our kids to learn how to do this and that by a certain age. We worry and beat ourselves up when we see they don’t. We do the same for ourselves. Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why is there so much pressure?

We are so busy rushing that we are missing the small moments. To me, it is the small moments that make life meaningful. Your wedding day is just another wedding day without all the small moments throughout. I’ll never forget the night before my wedding when I found a card Matt had hidden under my pillow for me. I’ll never forget a sentence that the pastor said that made me forget all the people staring at me from behind…which made me nervous. It was just Matt, me, and the pastor after that point. All those small moments were what brought beauty into our special day.

Let me not forget about God in this moral of the story. In all our rushing we are at risk of drowning out the blessings that God has right in front of us. That cashier was a blessing to me and I almost missed it. Wow. I almost missed something that I needed reminded of very badly.

What blessings might you have missed?

Today is the day after the eclipse and I am sitting here on my couch reflecting on our amazing adventure. We decided a while back that we would travel down to the path of totality. We booked a room in a small town in Tennessee and figured we’d choose a place of viewing once we were down there. That is how we take trips. We never over plan the details and it always works out better than we could ever envision. If you think about it, it is a good way to take life on, as well. Plan the things you must and don’t worry about the little details. Right? Right!

I feel as though I have so much I can share and I don’t know where to begin. Can I even find words to describe the experience? When I close my eyes, I can still feel the overwhelming emotions of the two and a half minutes of totality. More though, when I think of the entirety of the trip itself I am reminded of how small we all are. There is nothing more in life I enjoy more than humbling moments. This one tops them all. I wonder if we were to see another total eclipse, could it conjure up the same feeling(s)? If so, I shall beg my husband to become eclipse chasers.

The people of the eclipse may have impacted me just as much as the eclipse itself. Even at the hotel we met a couple whose daughter lives in our area. As I was talking to them, a young lady overheard us talking and picked up her stuff and sat with us. She just graduated from the local high school. Another man overheard and approached us because he lives close as well. Talking with them, we all found more connections. Oh, how I love connections.

The traffic to the eclipse wasn’t too bad. We bypassed some of the heavy traffic, thanks to my husband’s navigational skills. Us being us, we didn’t even decide on a spot to see the eclipse until we were almost there. Matt was checking out the map as I drove. He found a small town with a county park that seemed to be a perfect spot. It was! It was absolutely perfect. It had a beach and a splash pad for the kids to stay busy prior to the event. The place was not packed and was relaxing. Matt took the boys to play while I set up our spot.

There were two older ladies next to us that I started talking with. They were complete opposites of each other, but were best friends. I was fascinated by them both. Maybe because they were both a good mix of myself. One was a talkative lady who so obviously loved learning about people’s lives just as I do. The other was an introverted retired Air Force nurse who rekindled my love for nursing by her amazing stories and mark she made in nursing. When it was time for us to leave after the eclipse, both ladies gave me a huge hug. As I opened my car door one of the ladies said in her sweet southern accent, “We sure do have a lot in common.” I nodded and said, “We sure do. How glad I am that we decided to park by you ladies!”

Without further ado, the total eclipse. It is hard to describe. As Oliver said with his hands up, “It was just awesome.” Yes it was. It was awesome in the way awesome is intended to be. Awesome has been overused to the point it has lost its awesomeness. Anyway, in the moments leading up, everyone and everything became quiet and still. Anticipation built and it was as though you could feel it bubble up and then release when the moon fully covered the sun. All you could hear around were oohs and aahs and words such as awesome and amazing. Everyone looked around at each other as if to wonder if it was really happening. Matt described it as feeling like he was in movie. It was surreal.

One moment it was light and the next it was dark. It wasn’t pitch black though, which was good. All around in the distance it was like a 360 sunset with the beautiful colors peeking through. In the sky we saw the mighty black moon and a slight majestic glowing around it. It was the fastest two minutes of my life. It was the most awe-inspiring as well. Everything else left my mind. No worries, no to-do list, nothing but what was around me. We only snapped a couple picture and Matt took a quick video. When you see it, you just know a picture or a video cannot do it justice. Just like my words cannot do it justice.

The thing that stuck with me the most is how the moon completely covered the sun and yet there was a light that still remained. Reminds me of the world we live in.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

-John 1:5

“Luke gets more attention than me,” Oliver said matter of factly. He wasn’t whining or yelling. I could tell it wasn’t an easy thing for him to say. He stood there, staring up at me with his beautiful brown eyes. I felt his pain more than he’ll ever know. I reached down and picked him up. I apologized. All I could do was say sorry, because his words were true. Most of the time Luke gets more attention.

Oliver is very much his own person. He’s creative, wise, and kind. He’s the little brother that is always looking out for his big brother. He’s been that way since he could walk and talk. He’s a giver. He gives without expecting anything in return. Luke needs a brother like Oliver. He really does…and I thank God for their relationship.

Part of being a giver, is losing yourself in the needs of others. Oliver quietly gives and gives. His needs build and build until they boil over. All that is left is a little guy yearning for some attention. It sneaks up on him. It sneaks up on us too because he shows no signs. He happily gives. He is all smiles and love and cuddles…until he’s not. Boy can I relate!

In many ways, Luke will always require a bit more attention than Oliver. It is a fact. It is something we all recognize and try to do our best to balance the best we can. Maybe the key is encouraging Oliver to tell us like he did yesterday. Maybe that will save him from some of the struggles I’ve faced in my life.

Being a giver is a wonderful quality to have. I never want Oliver to lose that. As a parent, especially as a parent who can relate, I need to do a better job letting Oliver know that he can and should get his needs met as well.

I love my little giver!

Every morning look in the mirror and say, “You’re beautiful. You’re smart. You can do anything.” I’ve heard many examples of personal affirmations and the reasons why they actually work. I cannot say I have consistently tried this in my life. I simply giggle anytime I have tried to talk myself in such a way. It is intriguing, nonetheless.

I was thinking, though. What if I did this in a spiritual sense? Like, take what should be a simple fact that I tend to overlook or brush past, engrain it in my thoughts, and (bam) I feel the truth more deeply.

Take the first part of Romans 8:11, “And if the same spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you…”. The same spirit who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in me. Wow, the same spirit. When I think of my life and the way I’d live my life if I made that a part of my mindset more often. I would have more peace, more joy, more love…more fruitful living. Powerful, isn’t it?

Yesterday was a day of peace. A day where I accepted the peace that only He provides. A day of being still and opening myself to His presence. I grabbed a book, blanket, and pillow. I stretched out on my hammock and closed my eyes. The slight rocking put my mind to rest. I opened my eyes and attempted to read my new book. My thought process was too lazy to comprehend the words. So, I set my book aside and just existed for a bit. My boys and their friend were playing twenty feet from me and even their voices seemed like distant whispers.

I felt only the sun, the wind, the rocking. I breathed in the air and exhaled all that has been weighing me down. It reminded me of when I was a kid. I’d find a spot on our anchored boat, usually on the bow, where no one else was. I’d lay down and soak up the peace…and the sun. No worries crossed my mind. I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. My brothers loud voices and splashing didn’t even bother me. All was easily pushed out of focus.

It is in those moments of overwhelming peace that I am reminded of why I do what I do. I remember why I feel the never ending pull to share God’s love with others. Why I know if I only touch one person’s life with my words, actions, and deeds it will all be worth it. All I need is to push the noise out of focus the best I can. So I can be who He wove me to be.

Sometimes, I look at my life and wonder if I am doing enough. Am I enough? I complete something that I put all I could possibly put into it and wonder, “Did I do a good enough job?” I think it is important to evaluate our efforts in life. We need to look at what we can improve. That is, as long as we are acknowledging our strengths as well.

Whatever I do, wherever I am in my life, I strive to make it my ministry. Meaning, I try to do it with all my heart and see my place in life as where He needs me to be. Whether or not I want to be placing a bandaid on my son’s knee I can choose to turn it into part of my mission. Or, I can try to control or change it into what or how I think it should be. That just turns me into a stressed out jumbled mess, though, because I am not using the opportunities given to me.

Peace exists in our present lives, not in our ideal lives. It is in our joys and in our ordinaries and even in our sorrows. Peace is in our letting go and giving it to God.

The sun is shining, my dog is sunbathing on our deck, and I am doing what I do best. I’m thinking, of course. I’m thinking about my life, mostly where I came from. From the outside, my life would appear quite ordinary. I grew up in a small midwest town with my parents, my two brothers, and myself. When I look back on it, I see it as anything but ordinary. My parents gave me what many people strive to give their families. Even through their imperfections they gave me hope and a vision of what life, marriage, and family should be.

I’ve been missing them more than usual lately. The other day, Oliver said he wished he could teleport us to Florida. Wouldn’t that be nice? Maybe that is what has sparked all this thinking. They deserve to be recognized and I just don’t do it often enough. So I’ll start off by saying thanks to them, but mostly to God for giving them to me.

Both my mom and dad were hard workers…do-it-yourselfers to the core. If it was broke, they’d fix it. If it was old, they’d make it new again. They used what they had before they went out and bought something new, even though they could have. Unless, it pertained to one of my dad’s hobbies. Then we’d have five. Five snakes, five guitars, five boats. You get the picture. He dove right in and was whatever it was he was passionate about.

In many ways, I am much like my dad in that aspect. I see this in my youngest son as well. We get lost in our worlds, whatever our world is at the moment. It is a strength to ourselves. To some, they see it is a weakness. It is misunderstood. It is something that needs to be changed. To us, though, it is ours. It is the only thing we have that makes our drums beat in rhythm.

I learned from my dad and my mom (in different ways) to be me. To be nothing else. I learned from watching them to love God and to trust God. They showed me to walk the walk He is leading, don’t look back, and definitely don’t look to others for approval.

Our closest friends were always drawn to our home.  I had a friend who practically lived with us when I was ten-eleven years old. There was never even a question whether our not she was welcome to stay the night at our house. Many times after school on Fridays we’d walk to her house, pack her clothes for the weekend, and then go home. Our home was her home while she was there. My oldest brother had a couple friends who actually lived with us at different times. One of them I didn’t get along with. I remember demanding for my parents to tell him that he couldn’t live there. My parents pretty much told me to suck it up because life is bigger than him annoying and picking at me. His life was harder than I’d ever imagine life could be. Boy, they always had a way of humbling me in simple ways. It showed me behaviors were so much deeper than the surface showed.

My parents were a team. They were a couple God would look at and say, “Yep, that’s the way it should be.” They were not perfect, no couple is. But they were one. They made a decision early on in their marriage to put themselves and us kids before others. They did things their way. They never tried to live up to anyone’s expectations. Only their own. It made them a force. A peaceful force. A safe haven for themselves and for me and my brothers. I can see my kids feel the same when they are around them. I have a hard time with that, only because they live so far away from us. I guess that I need to pull a page from their book more often to “read” to my kids. With mine and Matt’s own twist on it, though.

That is where I came from. That force was what I knew I wanted for my life and for my future spouse and kids life. After all these years, they are still all of those things. What a lucky girl I was. What a lucky woman I am. I pray my kids can pull some of these same things from Matt and I when they are older. I really do. I know Luke and Oliver deserve it.