In this life, faith is a never ending journey. I love that it is. I reflect on where I was and where I am going…and I am astounded by the power of the Holy Spirit. Lord knows I could never have done any of this on my own. I try to peek through the present to imagine where I will be five years from now. Will I be where I am now? Will I have taken a few steps back? Or will I be more mature than I could possibly imagine?
I feel as though I am currently in a lonely stage of my faith. Wait? Aren’t Christians supposed to walk alongside each other? Yes, I believe we are. I also believe sometimes He sets us apart to be alone in our own Garden of Gethsemane. Our puny sense of garden can never compare to Jesus’. Maybe, though, it goes to show our sufferings should bring us to our knees in thanksgiving and thus strengthen us for our own crosses we bear. Our crosses, in comparison to His, are like feathers gently tickling our backs.
This morning, I was driving to the gym. I was exhausted from yesterday, a horribly stressful day. Our dog had a medical emergency and almost died. Seriously, we skipped church to take him to the emergency vet. You know we do not take missing church lightly here in this household. But, like my sweet Oliver said, “It’s okay we missed to church. Ranger needed us to and that was more important this time.” Our dog is stable as of right now, but boy oh boy talk about wiped!
Rein it back in, Stace.
So, I was exhausted but forced myself to go workout. On my way, loose prayers were running through my head. I saw a group of three ladies running along the path together and thought how nice it would be to have that in my life. So, I started praying for a good friend to come along in my life. I feel as though I need someone close by. I am someone who loves people and friends, but more I love having that one friend. My introverted self needs that one friend to lean on. I especially miss that with my faith journey right now. I’ve missed that in my life for quite a while. I do have awesome friends and don’t feel lacking in love, it is just I sometimes need more closeness than a group can provide. Make sense?
I know, I’ll never be close to a true Garden of Gethsemane moment. Right now, though, I feel as close as I ever could or ever have in the past. I feel weight and it is making me tired. I see people asleep. Just like Jesus wanted the disciples to be awake, I want people to rise from their slumber. He urged them to pray so they would not enter into temptation. He wanted what was best for them. He wanted the will of God to be done. But, they couldn’t carry it through at the time and fell asleep. He was only a stones throw away, but yet alone. He had to be. I can feel His humanity in that moment, can’t you?
We aren’t all meant to be awake at the same times or in the same ways. Although, I do yearn for someone to connect with where I am in my journey, I realize it is okay to be alone sometimes. God knows why I must be.
The deity of Jesus separates me from ever relating to the full power of the garden. The cup he wanted taken from His hands, I can never feel the full weight of. What had to happen, no human could ever endure. It had to be the Son of God; it could only be the Son of God. I try to place myself in His journey, only a sliver I can feel.
By the grace of God, my garden is but a speck of dirt, my nails are merely annoying splinters, and my cross a feather. My garden is my time with God. It strengthens me for times in my journey I must go it alone. Well, not really alone because He is always wth me. Duh.