Through the Stillness

I had too many thoughts running through my head and I couldn’t lie still anymore, so I got up. I sat covered in my warm blanket and drank my warm coffee while I simply got lost in my own mind. I felt comfortable. I was even thinking about how comfortable I felt. I began thinking about a comment someone said about a week ago. It struck me how comfortable my life really is and always has been.

I’m empathetic. I care about people, sometimes people say I care too much. I try to help those in need. I donate money. I give clothes to charity. I give time. My heart hurts for people. But I don’t give until it hurts. I don’t know if I know how, or if I can ever truly learn.

We always have extra money in the bank, too much food in the pantry, and many other luxuries. I’m looking down at my favorite t-shirt and know I wouldn’t give it away.  I like it too much.  Our house is not small and it is filled with stuff.  Most of the stuff just sits without any true purpose.  I type on my wireless keyboard and stare up at my Mac computer.  I get frustrated when the batteries run low on my wireless mouse.

I shop at Whole Foods without thinking twice. I just ordered a dress from J.Crew for an upcoming wedding, although I have a closet full of dresses. To defend myself, I don’t always buy a new dress…and I have dresses from Target that I have worn to a wedding. I guess in defending myself, I just reaffirmed how entitled I really am. Because, I always have a dress to wear.  I always have shoes on my feet, and I always have food to eat.

I’m a stay-at-home mom.  We don’t really sacrifice too much for me to be. If Matt lost his job, I could easily find one.  Maybe, we’d have to downgrade our house.  But, we’d never go hungry.  We’d never know what it meant to really struggle to survive.  Say, for some crazy reason I couldn’t work either. I’m fairly certain we’d still never go hungry. We have family who would help us get back on our feet.

As a kid, I wanted to be a missionary.  The idea fascinated me. I remember one of my old pastor’s sons who went on a long term mission trip with his wife.  He came back a changed man. I listened to his testimony and I was inspired. I wanted his life.  I still have never been on a mission, maybe one day I’ll go.  The thing is, it is a luxury to go on a mission. I’d come back and have a hard time adjusting.  I’d feel guilt. I’d listen to other people and get annoyed with how much they/we take for granted. Eventually, I would get comfortable again. I don’t think I’d ever forget. I would be a changed person. But, I’d still be comfortable.  I always will be.

I don’t even know if I have a point to all of this.  I am thankful for what I have. I feel blessed to be able to provide my kids a good life. I don’t want it taken away. I like being spoiled. I feel guilty, but never guilty enough. I know, I will always be a store trip away from a piece of chocolate. Does it make me a better person because I realize how spoiled I am? Probably not.