Tag: life

Raw
The last year and a half has been rough on me. I haven’t wanted to fully admit it (even to myself) and I especially haven’t felt like discussing it. I don’t want to go into all the particulars that has caused this. Life is life and it isn’t always pleasant. For someone like myself, there is nothing harder than to watch bad things or bad times fall upon people I care about. I’m not saying this to prove I’m a good person, but I’d much rather have bad things happen to myself than to my peeps. That is the good and bad of the gift of mercy. I presume every gift has a weakness and Satan uses that weakness to try to tear us down.

Sometimes it is all the little instances that build rather than just one thing. A cousin commits suicide, an aunt overdoses and dies, an old friend dies, and the other instances I do not wish to share. My cousin left me hurting due to all the pain he endured and felt he couldn’t endure any longer. My aunt, where do I begin? I have fond memories of her wit and creativity. I also have painful memories of watching someone slowly destroy their life over many years. My old friend left me thinking of what more christians can and should do for those who live differently…those who have been dragged down, beaten, and have made poor choices because of this thing called life. Actually, everything from this past year and a half have left me thinking that.

My life has been rather “easy” compared to most. I know that and I am thankful. Maybe it has made it easier to have the faith I have. My struggles are insignificant compared to some and maybe that has made me “weaker”. I know some whom feel I haven’t truly lived. I must disagree. I believe we live through not just our own experiences, but through others as well. Our lives are connected and our lives have the power to alter the lives of others. Our lives are far from being isolated, that is a fact. Yes, I know no one else truly knows what it is like to live in thine own shoes, but that does not mean it doesn’t give insight and life to those around.

My somewhat easy life has left me raw and has left me stumbling. Last night, Matt and I had a conversation that I was yearning for and didn’t even realize I was. He thanked me for all the sacrifices I have made for our family and others. He told me he notices all I do. He said he doesn’t know how I do all I do. It made me weep uncontrollably. I did not know how much I needed to release. Those cleansing tears have left me feeling lighter today. Crazy what a few words from a loving husband can do for a person.
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August 18, 2017

christianity, Family, life, love, marriage, peace
What exactly is the good?
As I sat waiting for Luke’s game to begin, I played with blades of grass at my feet. My mind was as calm as a glassy lake; there was not a wave nor a ripple in sight. But then my phone rang. It was my dad. He never calls me on the weekend, I thought as I answered my phone.

In one second my frame of mind shifted. The pain of this world, oh the pain. I wasn’t surprised by the news, yet each word stung. Sometimes it is the unsurprising news that hurts the most. I always hope people will respond or do differently than what I see coming. I much rather the stories of people overcoming life. The bad in life, that is. I love when people prevail.

It is a strength and a weakness that I strive to find the good in all things. The problem arises when the pain of this world is deeper than the seemingly good it can bring. I hate to see people give up on life. They throw in the towel and don’t look back, and they don’t look forward either. They remain stuck unable to move. Maybe that is why I need Romans 8:28, we all need Romans 8:28.

Wait.

What exactly does that even mean? I just talked about pain and giving up on life. Now I am encouraging a bible verse that talks about “in all things God works for the good”? Yes, I just said that and that.

Yesterday, after I wrote my blog post about this verse, I walked into my kitchen and there on my table were mason jars full of carnations. They’ve been sitting there for almost a week, but I saw them as if they just magically appeared. I focused in on the pink ones. Romans 8:28 reminds me of my grandparents, it reminds me of my grandma’s death. Since the verse keeps popping up I have been thinking of her. Pink carnations were her favorite. They’ve been here in my house and yet it slipped my mind until that moment. As if that were not enough, I went to sit on my couch. My phone was in my hand because I was getting ready to clean and was going to put music on. (Who likes to clean without music?) I sat, thought about my grandma, pulled myself together, and then put Pandora on. I began to stand up when the song Homesick came on. It was the song they played at her funeral.

The tears flowed, I pictured my grandma’s face, and then peace came. My grandma was touched by the pain of this world, just like us all. Her pain is no more, though. She’s home. It got me thinking. That’s it, I’m homesick. We are all homesick. That is why it hurts so bad. We yearn for a world without sin.

We are touched by our bad choices, other people’s bad choices, unexpected news, disease, death, and etc. We must remember our hope and truth lie in the fact that sin or anything that happens as a result cannot ruin God’s plan. His mind is set on our eternal salvation. His mind is set on bringing us home. That is why He sent His son Jesus to die for our sins. Stop and brew on that for a minute. That is powerful stuff. Nothing can stop His plan and nothing can stop His purpose of eternity.

The challenge lies not in my knowing this. It lies in my sharing this. It lies in you sharing this. How can we show people the good in God’s purpose? How can we show them that the light shines in the darkness and the darkness will not prevail?
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April 28, 2017

christianity, death, faith, Family, God, hope, Jesus, life, peace, struggles
The Whisper From Within
I pulled my hair back into my usual low messy bun, removed my sunglasses, and peered into the opening of the cave. My hands tightly held my treasured designer sunglasses that hid tired eyes on my busiest days. I remembered the day I bought them and the false sense of accomplishment I felt wearing them. I wanted to rid myself of all of that and so I quickly tossed them into the tall grass behind me.

I stood staring into the never-ending darkness. I took a deep breath and stepped inside. A light sweeping breeze tickled my skin. I heard the whisper, the whisper from within, calling me to continue. It was the same whisper telling me to leave behind my fierce independent ways. It assured me perfection is a weak and fragile state. It reminded me real strength lies in the mess. It lies in being content with your mess and with your limitations.

I was frightened, yet determined. I thought of the steps that led me there. I was in my early twenties. The noise of busyness, the layers of self-made sludge, the wounds of days past had drowned out the whisper. I wanted nothing more than to listen and embrace it once again. I was never meant to live that life. I was meant to live my life. So, one day I stopped. I just stopped, pretty much dropped, and couldn’t move any further into the life I created. A life I worked so hard at maintaining the image of perfection and self-sufficiency. It was then I saw brave was not nonstop trying and doing and living the “good” life. Brave was standing where I was that moment. Brave was stepping inside my own cave.

I took another deep breath and didn’t look back. It felt like the first few moments after jumping into a pool. There was a shocking cold that quickly transformed into a refreshment for my weary soul. My eyes adapted and light appeared. The outside noises soon diminished. I began shoveling through the sludge. I came across my wounds, some I healed and some I simply acknowledged. There was nothing else between me and the whisper from within. It was like a long lost friend I hadn’t seen in years. We embraced and cried and fell right back into the old rhythm of things. I fell back inline and freed myself from the pressures of this world.

There are times, will always be times, I wander outside the bounds of my life. I find my way back to my cave, I do the work all over again. I know that life isn’t real, it isn’t sincere, it isn’t mine. It is built on pressure and duty and pushing past limitations I was never meant to push past. No one is made to do it all, to try it all, to go and go and go until you drown out the voice from within. So just stop and go inside your cave. You won’t regret it. I haven’t.
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April 8, 2017

being yourself, life, peace, struggles, sure
Finding the Joy in Parenting
Choices. As a parent you are always making choices. Sometimes your brain is dizzy with all the things you need to decide. You want what is best for your kids and many times it is hard to measure the results. You make a choice. You hope and pray it was the right one. You wait. You breathe a sigh of relief when you find you did the right thing. You feel ill when you find you did the wrong thing. Sometimes you wait years to see if it was the right choice. Sometimes you will never know.

You have information thrown at you from all directions. It is as though everyone knows how to be the perfect parent. Well, until it is your own child that you are parenting. Because, once you look your child in the eye and feel the overwhelming love, you just know there is too much at stake to even try to pretend you know what to do all the time. Once you see your child struggle or mess up, you know there is no cookie cutter way to parent your imperfect and unique child…

How do you ease your weary mind and embrace the joy of parenting? The answer is a little different for everyone. Again, there is no cookie cutter way.

I feel like I do a decent job (most days) at enjoying this sometimes arduous journey. Here are some tips I have picked up along the way:
1. If it isn’t broke, simply leave it alone. If something works for you and your family then screw what everyone else thinks.
2. Do listen to advice, though. Some people know more than you. But don’t forget, it is your choice on what advice you follow.
3. If you don’t follow someone’s advice, don’t feel guilty. Seriously, don’t. You know your child the best. You also know your own limits. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
4. Honor your limits. Honor your spouse’s limits. Honor your kids limits. Enough said.
5. Don’t judge other parents. You are not in their shoes. You do not know their child as they do.
6. Don’t compare and don’t ever compete. No one enjoys being around those who try to compete or get their kids involved in such nonsense.
7. Allow your child to be who they are, not who you think they should be. This may be hard, but, your kids know themselves better than you know them. (I have to thank my parents for doing a great job at this one.)
8. Forget the rules sometimes. Just have fun. Sing loud, dance, and get a little goofy with them.
9. Love them. Figure out how they feel loved. Give it to them unconditionally.
10. Let them love you. Accept the way they show love and appreciate it.
11. Most importantly, trust God and His will for your kids. God’s got this, guys. He really does.
Feel free to share any tips I may have missed.
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March 21, 2017

christianity, Family, God, life, love, parenting
This Thing Called Grace
I think of the crushing weight that pressed on His beautiful soul. The beauty He held, I can never fully grasp. I try to comprehend. I close my eyes and picture the cross. I picture the events leading up. I skim over the hard parts. My body clenches at the very thought of trying to endure even one lashing. The driven nails are pulled out by my selfish need to fend off pain before it ever really begins.

The purpose of His dying was so I could be free from the yoke. Yet, there are times I forfeit the lightness that was so freely given to me. Why do I trample on my clean soul? Why do I worry, I fear, and I forget? I hold a beautiful opened gift and I sometimes wrap it back up and tuck it away for a rainy day. Maybe not always, maybe not as much as I used to, maybe not as much as others…but enough to feel the chains that bind.

Now, here’s the thing that gets me every time. I do not need to shed any blood or endure any of what He did. I do not need to earn His love or His approval. All I need is faith. He sees me as me. Not as the world portrays me to be…not what I portray me to be either. He…loves…me.

Whenever I tuck this thing called grace away, he gently helps me unwrap it. He reminds me of my worth. He places His finger under my chin and lifts my head. It is because of this I am led to never stop striving to love as He loves me.
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March 10, 2017

christianity, faith, God, hope, Jesus, life, love, peace
Unwrapped Present
Have you ever had an idea, a great idea, maybe even a brilliant idea that just sits there? You think about it and you may talk about it. It feels right. It feels straight from God. It lines up with scripture. You know you have the spiritual gifts and passion for it, but it sits there on your shelf in a neatly wrapped package, untouched. Well I have. I actually do right now. When I think about reaching out to unwrap and use it something stops me.

I used to daydream about it. Then I would get impatient and disappointed in myself for not doing something. I was almost convinced it was fear stopping me, but when I would reach out to grab it that something that stopped me felt right too. Makes sense, right? It was like I knew this was something I truly need to do, but also I knew it something I was not ready to do.

I prayed, prayed, and prayed some more. I was reminded of God’s timing. God does not live through the restraints of time like we do. A day, a month, a year doesn’t mean much as far as eternity goes. He is patient, he properly prepares us, he knows the plan we need to follow. Trust Him and His timing…know there is a time for urgency and there is a time to wait. Waiting is not a bad thing.

Someone once told me something I really need to remember every day of my life. It was something like this: God first, then your family, then your ministry (or God’s work), then everything else. When you get these out of order you will see it in every aspect of your life. So, maybe the reason why I haven’t been able to unwrap my present is because I had these a little mixed up. And I didn’t fully realize it. You probably don’t fully realize it. You are doing the best you think you can, you are doing good things, and you are a good person. You are just doing things out of order.

Through the busyness of life, we get swept away and Satan loves it. It is his best attack against us faithful God-fearing ones. He knows we aren’t going to stop believing in God and trying to do His work, so he tries messing with the order in which we should follow. Next time you have that great idea and it seems to just sit there, try looking at the order in which you are following. Maybe all you need to do is move things around a bit and God will help unwrap your present when the time is right.
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January 14, 2017

christianity, faith, life, trusting God
Soon You’ll be Forty Years Old…
Matthew,

I cannot believe your fortieth birthday is next week. When I think of when we first met and then think of our life now it amazes me. I think of all the years in between…everything we’ve been through…wow. We really are doing this. We really are continuously building a life together, for better or worse. I think we have seen both. It is inevitable there will be good times and bad. Life. That is life.

I remember our early days of flirting by tossing pumpkin guts (Is that what you call it?) at each other. Who would’ve thought after all these years that we’d be married with two kids? I’ll never forget the summer we spent at the beach. We pretty much lived moment to moment. I won’t share all our memories on here, but those are just a couple that I go back to when life gets crazy.

All I know is that there is no one else on earth who knows me and loves me like you do. Anytime you ask me to write a blog or remind me I haven’t in a while, I am reminded how much you care about me. You are a good person, Matt. Don’t you ever forget that.

Time seems to speed up the older we get, it really does. It will seem as only a few moments have passed before I am thinking, soon I’ll be forty years old. I don’t like to think about myself as being forty, but as long as you are by my side I will be just fine.

Before we know it, our kids will be grown and forty will seem young. I cannot wait to see you as a grandfather. Heck, maybe we will even have a granddaughter. How weird would that be to have a girl in our life?

Oh my and then before we know it, we will retire. I’m seeing us as snowbirds for sure. A nice condo on a beach somewhere? We’ll be walking along the beach and I will turn to you and say, “My dear, soon you’ll be seventy years old. Where did the time go?” You will lean down, kiss my forehead and say, “I don’t know, babe. Did I take me medicine this morning?”

XOXO
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January 12, 2017

christianity, Family, life, love, marriage, parenting
Beauty
Once upon a time, there was a monster named Beauty. The other monsters in town laughed and made fun of her. Because, truly, who has ever met a monster with such a name? You see, Beauty’s mom held a secret that most monsters do not know, or even care to know. I’ll tell you this secret in just a minute.

I am certain by now you are wondering the obvious. What did Beauty look like? Was she the fairest of all the monsters? She certainly was not. She looked like a monster, of course. Her ears were made of leaves. Her teeth were gnarly and yellow. She belched a lot, was by no means graceful, and she always had dirt under her fingernails. The only thing pretty about her was a blue and white bow she wore on her head.

One day, on her way home from Gross Skills School, Beauty watched two monsters growling at a little human girl. Beauty felt something inside of her she could not quite understand. This something was surely something they never taught her at school. It grew the longer she watched and it grew to the point she could no longer remain crouched behind the stinky garbage can.

She stood up and ran over as quick as she could. The little human girl was trembling. The monsters were laughing. Tears streamed down Beauty’s cheeks. She didn’t know what made her do this, she didn’t even know what it was called. Her arms wrapped around the little human girl and she gently squeezed. She whispered, “It’s okay, don’t pay attention to them. I will protect you.”

The other monsters did not know what to make of any of this. They ran off yelling, “We’re telling Mr. Pimple on you. You’ll for sure get kicked out of Gross Skills School.”

“Thank you, monster. I never knew monsters could be so kind. What is your name?” The little human girl asked.

“My name is Beauty. What is your name?”

“Beauty is a perfect name for you. My name is Penelope. Maybe we can play someday.”

“Maybe we can,” Beauty said.

The two hugged again and then parted ways. Beauty went home feeling happy, but also sad and confused. She went straight to her room and sat on her bed made of stinky socks. She was afraid she’d be in big trouble when her mom found out what had happened. After a while, her mom came in and sat next to her.

“Beauty, what’s wrong? You never even ate your snack of sour milk and moldy grapes.”

“Mom, something happened today and I’m just so confused.”

Beauty told her mom everything. Her mom patted Beauty’s head and said, “Well, my dear, that is why I named you Beauty. I knew from the moment our eyes met that you were no ordinary monster. I saw your beauty, I felt your beauty. It was then I realized beauty is about the love you hold inside your heart for others. It is about embracing that love regardless of what everyone else is doing. Don’t ever let the monsters of this world tell you otherwise.”

The End

(This is dedicated to my beautiful niece who drew this picture and asked me to write a story about a monster.)
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January 1, 2017

kindness, life, love
Hiding Spots
I remember this time when I was a child. I was under my parent’s bed. I was just lying there feeling completely content in the confined area. I remember the wood frame and how I thought it needed to be sanded. I rubbed my fingers across it sure that I would catch a splinter. It was peaceful under there, away from the loudness of my family. I was in my own world, all alone with my imagination. I even remembered thinking how odd it was that I liked it there.

I used to find solitude whenever I could, wherever I could. I didn’t understand why I craved it so. I had hiding spots in my closet, in the basement, outside in the woods. Some I remember vividly, others not so much. What I do remember with all are the feelings of peace I felt. It wasn’t that I did not enjoy being around others. No, I had quite the carefree childhood, full of joy and laughter. My parents took us on little adventures and I loved to play with others. It was that I needed both even though I didn’t know I did. I was self-aware long before I could understand what self-aware was. I needed time to dream and to reflect. I guess I was an old soul, I guess I still am.

As a teen, I outgrew my hiding spots. I stopped dreaming and reflecting. I stopped hiding. I wandered through my days and ignored my inner voice telling me to find a place to hide and dream. It wasn’t cool to do so and so I didn’t. I dabbled with a dream a bit here and there. I wrote and obtained enough peace to get by. It wasn’t enough, though. But, hey at least I was cool.

And then, I grew up…at least I thought I did. I worked full-time and went to nursing school full-time. My first college English Composition class awakened me. My professor was like, “Hey, you’re an awesome writer. You really are.” My classmates said the same. I thought, yes I always have been. I was just in a slumber for a bit. I never wanted to share my real writing before unless I had to. So, I began to hide again. I hid wherever I pleased. All I had to do was grab a paper and pen and I was lost in my own world. My peace came back, my dreams came back, I came back.

Now, that I am really grown up I hide when I get a chance, when my husband and kids aren’t in need of me. I embrace my way of finding peace and so does my love. He even bought me a new laptop, aka hiding spot, for Christmas. We are sitting across from each other right now together, yet hiding. Gotta love two introverts together!
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December 28, 2016

introvert, life, writing
From a Manger to a Cross
I apologize to anyone who read my post last year…or other similar ones, but things lay heavy on me and what else am I to do? I feel there is more depth this year than last and am wondering next year if it is possible to transcend further into whatever it is you’d call it that I feel post-Christmas.

Life starts shifting back to normal. My kids are exhausted. My house is a disaster. I’m exhausted as well. I’m a bit of an introvert. I absolutely love people, I love to be around people. I also need and crave calm and quiet at times. I need both. I need time to reflect and get lost in my own mind. When there are many things I need to get done, like before Christmas, it sucks my energy. I become a bit recluse trying to do what needs to be done. Plus, this year I was sick and couldn’t rest trying to get it all done. I feel like I need to buy a t-shirt that says, “Sorry, I really do like you, but I’m peopled out.”

I am looking at the heaps of gifts scattered throughout our house and tell myself I’ll organize it later. I feel grateful for my family and for my husband’s family. We both have pretty low drama and intact families, at least compared to the norm. My kids are shown love and it is almost too normal for them to have the best of everything. I do my best to show them how blessed they are for all these things. We give back and I allow the boys to to be a part of choosing where and how we do so.

Obviously, I want to have my good life. Who wouldn’t? I feel blessed and I thank God for all we have. But, I feel a pulling inside me that just keeps growing. When did it start? I think it has always been there my entire life. It is just that sometimes I feel it to the point it physically hurts. I see what I have and I see what others don’t have and it makes me sad. The older I get the more I see and feel it.

Lately, I don’t think it is enough to just recognize it. It isn’t enough to donate clothes and old toys. It isn’t enough to donate money, goats, and so on to the poor. It just doesn’t feel like I’m dong enough. No, I’m not going to give up all we have to go wander the streets with my family to make myself feel better. I truly don’t know what I feel like I should be doing. I’m in this praying, waiting, praying stage. I’m practicing what I preach to others. Give it to God and wait on His answer.

I sit here staring out my window and reflect on the life of Jesus. It began in manger, a feeding trough. It ended on a cross, Him literally nailed to it. Everything in between the two was not a life fit for a king. Yet He is the King of Kings. Through the world’s eyes, no one would ask for such a life. He was not rich or powerful. He lived a life full of sacrifice. I think about sin and how we easily can sin on a daily basis. There are sins we fight daily and it takes great sacrifice not to succumb to at times. Think of all the sacrifices He made to live a sinless life. We know He was tempted. Yet He chose a path we could never. We are too weak to live a life such as His.

We rely on grace and many times take it for granted. We chew on the bread and sip the wine. We know what a blessing and gift it is to partake in. Yet most times, at least to a certain extent, Monday morning comes around and we fall right back into worldly thinking. We may read the Word and try to teach our kids the best we can. We send our prayers. We serve in the church. But, we don’t love our neighbors as we should and we surely don’t spread the gospel as we should. We don’t step out of our comfort to live the life God is calling us to.

The crazy part is God loves us despite all of this!

We know this because He sent His son to live a life we could never live and to die a horrible death to save us from ourselves. We are saved because of our King who began His life in a manger and ended it on a cross. He lived that life and here I am living my easy peasy one…and it doesn’t quite seem right.
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December 27, 2016

christianity, Christmas, church, faith, Family, God, Jesus, life, peace