I spent many years, my late teens through my early twenties, trying to find myself. I guess I always had (even before that) been looking and trying to find and be me. It is a part of who I am, my core, always trying to peel away the layers to expose what is inside…to expose who I am meant to be. I am most content when I am unapologetically me. I think many creative types can totally relate to this. I don’t like when people try to be like me, sometimes I get a bit territorial with myself. I think I am like this because I like others to be themselves, as well. We all have a unique beauty that lies within, just waiting to shine. When I see and feel others basking in their own beauty I am inspired to bask in my own. I feel a deep sadness when I see people struggling to accept themselves.
I reached a point in my life where I realized I wasn’t the most socially adept person. In fact, I could spend hours in my room by myself and be completely content. I would think. I still can do this. I love to think and relax inside my own head. That is the why I am so drawn to writing. Although I loved being around people, I was never good at the skimming the surface conversations that people start to blossom in once they hit middle school. I like depth. Not everyone does, so I found myself drawn to having a few close friends, rather than trying to be friends with everyone.
Now that I am older I have adapted and accepted the surface with most people. I actually have become more socially adept, as well. It has been a process and one I wished I could have seen the simplicity in sooner…but then there is always a reason for the journey.
I once took the path of the world. I think the world seems far too attractive for us thinking/philosophical types. When I tell this part of my story, I always feel the need to defend myself a bit. Like, I wasn’t a horrible person…I never did drugs and blahsy blah blah. I think it stems from guilt of walking away from the path God was trying to lead me. I guess, also, it proves my point even more. You can live with morals and be a good person and still not be living the life you are intended to. Anyhow, I always felt His pull every single day. The strength it took to fight it almost led me into complete darkness. But it was as though He kept relighting my candle just enough for me to see Him still.
Once I realized that He would not give up on me––I gave in. Because feeling His light…even if just a shimmer…was the only thing that gave me hope…it was the only thing that helped me see my true reflection. Nothing this world offered helped me to find myself. No, it was through Him. It was through trust and digging into the Word. The more rooted I became in Him, the more I saw myself and the person I was meant to be. I found my joy and I will never let it go again.